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Recovery

BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
I don't think this whole recovery thing is for me. It feels like in walking on a thin thread, thousands of feet above the ground trying not to fall and hit rock bottom. But my balance is just not taking it right now and I'm just waiting to slip and fall. 

I've been trying so hard but I'm so tired. I feel so old and exhausted. I'm trying to tread water but I'm in too deep. 

It isn't that death appeals to me that much, but more the fact I find life really fucking painful. I can't catch a break. 
' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
AidanJade09

Comments

  • GemmaGemma Posts: 58 Moderator
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to maintain balance at the moment trying to not hit rock bottom. It's even worse when life keeps throwing too much at you and you feel you can't catch a break. 

    Do you feel you can share what's been happening that's made you feel this way recently?

    BubblesGoesBoo
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    I just feel like everyone is against me, my team are expecting me to fail, work is stressful, I'm never seeing my friends cause my manager changes my rota last minute when I have plans, and sometimes doesn't even tell me 🙄 I'm barely sleeping which isn't helping my mood. 

    I had an appointment with a different service and they said they can't help me til I deal with my trauma, which could take years, has taken years, hell I might never get over it. 

    I just feel like no one is willing to help me, which logically I know is wrong, my psychiatrist has bent over backwards to help me, I'm finally on a combo of meds that work, but my gp keeps trying to change the main one that works cause of the sheer cost of it, so that's looming over me, they've spent 10 years trying to get me on the right meds, now that they have they want to take it away?

    There's a pile of other stuff I need to say but can't cause of triggering and guidelines 🙃
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • RileyRiley Posts: 378 Super Moderator
    Hey there @BubblesGoesBoo thanks so much for opening up about what's bothering you, it really sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment!

    It's a real shame that your appointment didn't pan out that sounds like it was quite frustrating. Do you know if they recommended you for a different service that might be better suited for you? Trying to find the right support can be a real challenge so I hope you can get that sorted out soon.

    If there's more you want to talk about but you're worried about breaking guidlines or triggering others you can always feel free to use The Mix's 1-2-1 Chat or one of the similar services available online. Either way I hope you keep us on the boards up to date with how you're doing. <3
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Nah, I live on an island so there really isn't much support for me, it was with the Ed side of cmht.. They think my eating is due to the trauma, but if they actually read my history they would see I was struggling before then 🙃

    Also walked in the. Staff room for my break today and the colleague who wishes I was dead walked out when she saw me so that's fun 

    I'm just really worried they're gonna change my meds, and I'll be back to the 'revolving door patient' which one nurse actually called me🙄 I really don't want that, he also mentioned about emdr again, he said I would do it when I was 6 months stable (I'm 3 monrhs stable) which I'm dreading and it kinda makes me not want to be 'stable' in a sense, I just really don't want to do it, but my team think it's going to be the miracle treatment for me, and I feel guilty cause they're sending me private for it which costs a bomb 🤷‍♀️


    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Is it bad I'm tempted to pull a sicky cause I can't face work today? Or any day since the bust up with a colleague 😥
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Aidan
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Is it bad I'm tempted to pull a sicky cause I can't face work today? Or any day since the bust up with a colleague 😥
    Scratch that, just found out the police are coming to do a welfare check, I would rather be at work 🙄
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Aidan
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Bubbles, hugs to you  <3 and especially sorry that someone at work would actually wish you were dead, that's such an awful thing to put you through!

    Is there anything work is doing to try and help?

    If you do go for that emdr in the future, I hope it does work for you. I know that I've felt guilty about having to have a treatment private before (for me I had a little bit of CBT private after CAHMS discharged me before I reached the end of the waiting list for CBT) and for me a big part of recovery was letting go of that guilt and just letting myself feel free to do what I needed to do to get better. 

    And besides I think you deserve help considering the way the ED people at CMHT didn't read your full history and a nurse called you a 'revolving door patient'.

    Take care!
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Hey @Aidan
    Honestly works solution was just to avoid each other, not see or speak, like we're at work shouldn't we at least be civil?
    Yeahh it's not just the guilt though, like I actually feel like I'm in a good place (bar some blips)  and don't want emdr to send me into a downward spiral again, I don't think I could cope with another year like 2019.. 
    It's tough, like really fucking tough, and it's hard not to give in and go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Aidan
  • Millie2787Millie2787 Carer/Craft Lover Posts: 2,449 Mega Poster
    Hey Bubbles ,

    Just wanted to say your doing so so well to Jeep from using those unhealthy coping Strategies..... and you know what it’s okay that you’ve had some blips because I’m sure that you all ready know recovery isn’t as plain sailing as it’s made out to be there twist and turns and the occasional de tour or re route but eventually we get to where we need to be 💕

    sounds like being civil with that specific colluege is the only way to get on ... my advice when you see her is just smile and say Hi that way she’s will have nothing against you as all you have done is smiled and said hi and you know what they say “kill them with kindness  :p
    “ I believe that you have the power to achieve whatever you put your mind too, You are living a life’s most people won’t  ever understand but that’s what will Be the root of all your determination and success. You have a soul full of love and kindness and I just know that despite all the hardship, a life’s of happiness awaits you and I’m very proud of you, just keep holding on” 
    AidanBubblesGoesBoo
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    I'm really glad you think you're in a good place now. Even if there is a downwards spiral or unhealthy coping mechanisms, there's lots of support out there and we're here for you too.

    Everytime we go through something hard and come out of it again we get a little stronger and wiser. And I think there's lots of strong and wise people here and you're one of them! 😊
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 304 Moderator
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo

    It sounds like things have been a bit difficult over the past few days, but I just wanted to remind you that you are doing really well! and its positive that you now feel like you are in a good place.  <3

    How are you feeling today?  :)
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Thanks guys, this is the toughest thing I've had to do, and without destructive things I'm left to feel the entirety of my emotions and sometimes it get the better of me.

    It makes it harder that whenever I look in the mirror, I don't recognise the person staring back at me, all I see is a walking talking crime scene, does this ever go away?

    Feeling a bit better today, dreading going into work and having to explain why I was off yesterday cause I know it's going in my file.. Also dreading seeing that colleague 🙈 

    And is it bad I'm thinking of deleting my friend off fb? It's nothing she's done, it's just when when she posts a pic of her bf it triggers me to fuck, he's the policeman that put me on the vulnerable persons database and took me to hospital on a few occasions, and he's a dick 🤷‍♀️😂 don't want to delete her though, is there anyway I can just stop seeing her posts does anyone know? 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    Hey Bubbles,

    When you're looking in the mirror and not recognising yourself, do you think you're disassociating? 

    It's really positive going without destructive things, even if it's really tough. What sort of healthy coping mechanisms and techniques do you have?

    I haven't had Facebook for a while but I think you can just unfollow someone and you'll stop seeing their posts in your feed while staying their friend and not having to block them or anything.

    Glad you're feeling better today and I hope work doesn't go too badly 😊
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    I don't know @Aidan I do suffer with disassociation but normally l I can't remember a thing when it happens , when I look in the mirror I remember 🤷‍♀️

    My main semi healthy coping strategies are having depression naps, doing a sequin art, paint by numbers and just generally talking. 

    I'll try unfollow them and see if that works

    My gp thinks I might be deficient in b12 so got a blood test today to see, kinda hoping it is that instead of my mental health taking a slide, it would explain my mood and why I'm so tired all the time 🤞
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    They're checking my liver cause it might be fucking up 😭 May need to go into hospital for a few days for treatment.. Really hoping it's not needed 😭😭


    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Aidan
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    I hope it turns out okay, hugs ♥️
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • StephanieStephanie Posts: 485 Super Moderator
    Hey @BubblesGoesBoo&nbsp;

    sending hugs, hope your okay, we are all here for you :heart: 

    keep us posted if you want too :smile::heart: 
                                   "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light" 

    - Albus Dumbledore 
    BubblesGoesBoo
  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 2,839 Mega Poster
    Hospital isn't required 😁

    They still don't know what's making me feel this way though, more blood tests tomorrow.

    Booked a trip away next month and hoping I can manage it but by the looks of it I won't even be able to afford rent 🙈 had to cut ylmy hours cause u wasn't coping and just too exhausted 🙃

    What if there is no physical reason and it's just my depression? How do I get out of this. I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I was doing so well and now everything is collapsing around me. 
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
    Aidan
  • AidanAidan Potato Posts: 1,358 Fanatical Poster
    It's good to hear you don't need to visit hospital, I hope the blood tests go (or went) okay today ♥️

    What if there is no physical reason and it's just my depression? How do I get out of this. I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I was doing so well and now everything is collapsing around me. 
    If it is your depression- remember it doesn't make your feelings any less valid or make anything your fault or anything like that, depression is a physical reason and I hope you find good ways to help you beat it. You can overcome it and we're here for you.
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