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Recovery
Former Member
Posts: 3,590 Community Veteran
I don't think this whole recovery thing is for me. It feels like in walking on a thin thread, thousands of feet above the ground trying not to fall and hit rock bottom. But my balance is just not taking it right now and I'm just waiting to slip and fall.
I've been trying so hard but I'm so tired. I feel so old and exhausted. I'm trying to tread water but I'm in too deep.
It isn't that death appeals to me that much, but more the fact I find life really fucking painful. I can't catch a break.
I've been trying so hard but I'm so tired. I feel so old and exhausted. I'm trying to tread water but I'm in too deep.
It isn't that death appeals to me that much, but more the fact I find life really fucking painful. I can't catch a break.
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling to maintain balance at the moment trying to not hit rock bottom. It's even worse when life keeps throwing too much at you and you feel you can't catch a break.
Do you feel you can share what's been happening that's made you feel this way recently?
I had an appointment with a different service and they said they can't help me til I deal with my trauma, which could take years, has taken years, hell I might never get over it.
I just feel like no one is willing to help me, which logically I know is wrong, my psychiatrist has bent over backwards to help me, I'm finally on a combo of meds that work, but my gp keeps trying to change the main one that works cause of the sheer cost of it, so that's looming over me, they've spent 10 years trying to get me on the right meds, now that they have they want to take it away?
There's a pile of other stuff I need to say but can't cause of triggering and guidelines 🙃
Also walked in the. Staff room for my break today and the colleague who wishes I was dead walked out when she saw me so that's fun
I'm just really worried they're gonna change my meds, and I'll be back to the 'revolving door patient' which one nurse actually called me🙄 I really don't want that, he also mentioned about emdr again, he said I would do it when I was 6 months stable (I'm 3 monrhs stable) which I'm dreading and it kinda makes me not want to be 'stable' in a sense, I just really don't want to do it, but my team think it's going to be the miracle treatment for me, and I feel guilty cause they're sending me private for it which costs a bomb 🤷♀️
Honestly works solution was just to avoid each other, not see or speak, like we're at work shouldn't we at least be civil?
Yeahh it's not just the guilt though, like I actually feel like I'm in a good place (bar some blips) and don't want emdr to send me into a downward spiral again, I don't think I could cope with another year like 2019..
It's tough, like really fucking tough, and it's hard not to give in and go back to unhealthy coping mechanisms
Just wanted to say your doing so so well to Jeep from using those unhealthy coping Strategies..... and you know what it’s okay that you’ve had some blips because I’m sure that you all ready know recovery isn’t as plain sailing as it’s made out to be there twist and turns and the occasional de tour or re route but eventually we get to where we need to be 💕
sounds like being civil with that specific colluege is the only way to get on ... my advice when you see her is just smile and say Hi that way she’s will have nothing against you as all you have done is smiled and said hi and you know what they say “kill them with kindness
It sounds like things have been a bit difficult over the past few days, but I just wanted to remind you that you are doing really well! and its positive that you now feel like you are in a good place.
How are you feeling today?
It makes it harder that whenever I look in the mirror, I don't recognise the person staring back at me, all I see is a walking talking crime scene, does this ever go away?
Feeling a bit better today, dreading going into work and having to explain why I was off yesterday cause I know it's going in my file.. Also dreading seeing that colleague 🙈
And is it bad I'm thinking of deleting my friend off fb? It's nothing she's done, it's just when when she posts a pic of her bf it triggers me to fuck, he's the policeman that put me on the vulnerable persons database and took me to hospital on a few occasions, and he's a dick 🤷♀️😂 don't want to delete her though, is there anyway I can just stop seeing her posts does anyone know?
My main semi healthy coping strategies are having depression naps, doing a sequin art, paint by numbers and just generally talking.
I'll try unfollow them and see if that works
My gp thinks I might be deficient in b12 so got a blood test today to see, kinda hoping it is that instead of my mental health taking a slide, it would explain my mood and why I'm so tired all the time 🤞
sending hugs, hope your okay, we are all here for you
keep us posted if you want too
They still don't know what's making me feel this way though, more blood tests tomorrow.
Booked a trip away next month and hoping I can manage it but by the looks of it I won't even be able to afford rent 🙈 had to cut ylmy hours cause u wasn't coping and just too exhausted 🙃
What if there is no physical reason and it's just my depression? How do I get out of this. I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I was doing so well and now everything is collapsing around me.