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never ending feeling of nothing :( (trigger warning)

thumperbearthumperbear Posts: 44 Boards Initiate
hey guys 

I know ive not been active recently and that's is because since summer I have been struggling massively with intrusive thoughts and sometimes they have won and sometimes they have lost and ive been able to work through them and stay safe. i have done this on my own as i have been to scared to ask for help or tell anyone i was struggling and needed help. 

things started to get better so i decided to go back to college and than apply for uni to better myself i didn't relise i wasn't ready and it would make me struggle and crumble even more going back to college has made me become a shell i feel empty , tierd and exhausted because all i ever do is put a fake smile on and pretend everything is okay when in reality its not. i have to sit there and listen to lessons about rape , abuse and abortions and miscarriges , i sit there holding back the tears and the hate i have for myself the flashbacks happening feeling like everyone is staring and talking about me , i have found recently that i have not been noticing my tutor has been speaking to me its like my body is in the class but the rest is somewhere else is so scary and i hate myself for this.

i decided that i would give up harmful behaviours and i was S/H free for around a month and a half i know that dosnt sound a long time but it was to me , i am now again struggling every day with these thoughts oi don't know what to do i have now found myself sat at college thinking about ways of doing it , wanting to get rid of the hurt , upset , anger and emptieness i feel everyday.

i just want to scream alllll the time and get it all out in the open.
ShaunieElizabeth

Comments

  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,589 Community Veteran
    Hey @thumperbear
    I'm sorry you're struggling just now, have you spoken to anyone else about this? It sounds like a trip to your gp could be beneficial. It might seem scary but mental health affects 1 in 4 of us, it's more common than you think so gps are used to dealing with this, you are not alone 😊💖
    Sounds like it could also help to let your college know you're struggling, I know it's not the same but telling my manager I was struggling was the best thing, they've really helped me 

    Do you have any distraction techniques that help with the urges to sh.. You done well being a month and a half clean! And you can get there again 😊

    Hope things start to look up for you soon, and well done for reaching out on here 😊💖
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • GemmaGemma Posts: 118 Moderator
    Hey @thumperbear
    I'm sorry to hear that things haven't been great for you right now. I agree with @BubblesGoesBoo
    that it might be beneficial for you to speak to your GP or maybe someone at the college you could talk to and let out how you've been feeling. Especially if the content of your classes has been the cause of some flashbacks for you.

    Also really glad that you reached out here, we're always here to support you and listen. 
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