I need girly relationship advice! Should I stay or go?

Former Member

Hello everyone! 

I’m really hoping someone can help give me some advice or talk about their experiences. 

Sit comfortably...

I’m 26 and have been with my boyfriend (who is 34) for almost 9 years. He is my first boyfriend although I had slept with a couple of people before him. 

A couple of years into our relationship I caught him messaging other girls, and we almost split. But I was naive and in love so I forgave him. But have never forgotten it, though I have never brought it back up. I’ve been thinking whether I should have walked at that time. 

Since we’ve been together I’ve been sort of in a bubble of just me and him. I lost touch with my friends, but I have a good job and close family who we spend a lot of time with, and they love him. 

Our relationship is good (I think) as I have nothing to compare it too. However more recently I have started to make an effort to connect with a friend and this is going well. As I am getting out a lot more I’ve started to feel different at home (we live together and ave done for many years). I’ve also improved my health by losing weight and this has helped my confidence, but it’s annoying me that my boyfriend doesn’t take care of himself. I never laugh or have fun just the two of us, and therefore I suggest doing things with my family as well so I’m not on my own with him. But we do spend a lot of time alone together usually doing separate things. 

Ideally I wanted to start a family this year ( as I wanted to by the time I am
28) but now I am doubting if it’s the right thing to do at all. I am feeling like I’m missing out on things, and experiences. And have been noticing other men and wanting to experience dating again. I’ve gone through periods of feeling like this over the last few years. I don’t want to continue in this relationship and then want to have an affair! 

My boyfriend is kind and genuine, but I get the feeling he has some issues he needs to work on. (I.e.) I don’t think he has dealt with the death of mum when he was 16 etc). He has no life apart from me. He has a job and family, but doesn’t make any effort whatsoever to have any fun or see his family (who live 10 mins away). He has 1 friend but he never seems to bother with him, and frankly I don’t know why his friend still bothers with him. I see some strong resemblances between my boyfriend and his father. They are very alike. Neither have any motivation, ambition or plans. 

My boyfriend is more than happy working and then sitting at home in his free time. He never goes out unless I suggest it and nag. 

I have suffered previously with severe anxiety and OCD, and received CBT to help, which it did. However my boyfriend was not very supportive during this time which upset me. 

I now believe I suffer from ROCD (relationship OCD) and therefore I overthink everything, which may be why I am feeling this way, but I don’t want to ignore this in case I’m not
destined to be with him. 

We have sex still fairly regularly (once every 10
days probably) but I masturbate a lot on my own instead sometimes. When we do have sex, it’s quick and emotionless. I don’t like looking at him and sometimes think of other people in order to orgasm. 

He is not the most affectionate person and I need to have that reassurance. 

I’m wanting something to happen so that I can tell for sure that we should break up. I’m also aware that my mother wouldn’t approve of splitting with him, but I know that should not influence my decision. I am also terrified
of change, but mostly I’m  worried 
about making the wrong decision and then regretting it. However I don’t want to stay just because it’s convenient. 

I feel like I have not accomplished anything. I want to take more time to work on myself, improving my physical and mental Heath, increase my social circle and have some fun experiences. However I don’t want to lose him in case breaking up doesn’t make me any happier. 

Can ANYONE help me out at all?!! I’ve read lots of blogs but as you know I don’t have many close friends I can discuss this with. 

Siena

heyy! 

 Sounds difficult situation & def see why you wouldnt wanna make the wrong desicion ,life goes fast and we cant see into the future. I guess it is an issue if you wanna go out but he doesnt. Has he always been like that? Is there anywhere he likes to go ?

It sounds like you know what you want for yourself which is good start but not knowng if relationship is it aswell. Have you thought of writing out your desicions and the pros & cons to each like; staying would mean you could build life with him & could make things work out. Con; may never work out ect ect. Then leaving ; could both find someone more suitable & love more. Con: might not find someone you like as much as him. & add all ones you can think off & seem more apealing. 

Sometimes needa compromise in relationships and guess the question is if youd be okay if he likes to keep staying in & if not how about trying to meet up with more people to feel that need of wanting to go out?

Its always up to you and i think with these sort of situations - no matter what you do youd always think about the other desicion and think "what it i left" , "what if i stayed with him". Its always worth to have a talk with him about how youre feeling within the relationship to see where that goes - is that something youd do?

you said you spend a lot of time together usually doing seperate things - maybe you could suggest something that you could do together - like whatever you do serperatly do it with him if possible?

& welcome to the site

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Thank you so much for sharing

This is a really tricky situation and I don't want to influence your decision without knowing your relationship fully but if you're just with your boyfriend because you're worried about what it's going to be like on your own I'm not sure if that's enough of a reason to stick with him. Your partner should make you happy and feel the best version of yourself and so if he is not doing so, maybe it's time to part ways. It's never too late to walk away

Having said that all relationships go through rough patches and I agree with Shaunie that it's always worth talking to him about the issues you have and seeing if you can work through them?

I think it's really important to have your own lives as well as be a part of one anothers so it's good that you are close to your family, maybe you could also take up a hobby that's just for you where you can meet likeminded people and suggest that he do the same?

The Mix also has this article which might be able to help you work out what you want: https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/should-we-break-up-4514.html

Sending you hugs - your happiness and mental health is always the most important!

Former Member

Hi @Past User,
 
Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions, I can imagine that it's difficult to overcome by yourself especially if you don't really have anyone to share with.

Situation is complicated and 9 years together is kind of serious experience already especially considering the fact that it is your first relationship. I'd like to tell you first that it's really okay that you are so confused and stressed about it, cause it's really serious decision you are planning to take. Could you please specify also cause I didn't really get if you live together? Cause it's impacting situation strongly in case you do.

I absolutely agree with girls on the matter that it's worth to talk to your partner and try to discuss this issue with him. Men have absolutely another way of thinking so probably ha has no idea that there's something disturbing you. I don't know if you heard about book of Gary Chapman 5 languages of love. This book helped me personally and I guess it can help you too or at least give some ideas. The idea of book is that we all express love differently and we have our own impression how love should be expressed to us. In case if people have different love languages they can have really serious troubles in relationship unless they undestand that they just have different love perseption. I attach link for first cuple of pages of this book available for you to have a look. You told that he wasn't supportive while you were struggling mental problems...maybe he thought that the best way to help is not to disturb you?
https://www.parable.com/assets/pcom/files/Excerpt/9780802412713.pdf

I guess any decision you take will be difficult for you and you never be sure if you do it right, but in my opinion it's better not to take any if you are not ready for this. I understand your worries and all your thoughts the more it disturbs you the more you want to do something. If you think that you relationship still can work out, you probably need to give it a chance and talk to him openly and show your readiness to work on it.

In any case do not push yourself 

Hope it will get well soon and you feel better  Sending hugs