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Dad wants to get to know me after 18 years
Former Member
Obnoxiously Large AnchorPosts: 1,201 Wise Owl
I've never had a father figure in my life and all of a sudden he wants to be in my life.
Him and my mum split up when I was just over a year old so I don't remember living with him. My mum never got a long term partner and didn't bring people home so I've never had a father figure. Majority of my male coaches I've become attached to, not in a looking for a father way but more a father role model if that makes sense.
I feel very conflicted with everything and he's just made it worse. He used to always come on my birthday and Christmas until suddenly he stopped. I'm not sure why. He never stopped paying for me though. He used to call me every week and we'd talk for ages, or it felt like it at the time.
Then he got married and didn't tell me or invite me. He had another kid who's 10/11 years younger than me.
I want to be involved with the kids life, he's always let me do that. I've seen them maybe 5 or 6 times since they were born. I've always said I want to see them more but it's when he wants to come see me that dictates everything.
He only sees me on special occasions and even then it's rarely. I know I should he thankful he comes at all but he's just screwing me over time and time again.
The last birthday he saw me on (not my last one, because he openly apologised for forgetting my birthday after not acknowledging me on that day) he showed up over an hour late and stayed for maybe 5 minutes.
The first time I met my younger sibling, my dad's mum came into the house, saw me and left. That's the only time I've ever seen her and I've never seen my dad's dad.
They've never really paid much attention to me and it feels like I'm just an added extra here and there.
I got a message from my dad the other day telling me about his "daddy child day" and wanted to make it "daddy children day" if I wanted to do something. I said sure and met up with him today to go for a skate and a burger.
He didn't actually come on the ice. I just taught my sibling how to skate. I had fun with that though.
His side of the family has tried to be more involved with me ever since it was apparent I was good at my sports. I've made the GB team for 3 of my sports and I'm currently competing for a GB junior and senior level for two of my sports and GB University for the other. I'm also at a Russell group uni even though I wouldn't class myself as smart.
Honestly though I feel like everything is just a wreck.
Let's add to this by throwing in the fact my mum became mentally ill, couldn't look after me and neglected and abused me growing up. Not on purpose but it happened. I got removed from my mum when I was 13/14 and moved to live with my grandparents. This has been a rough time too as even though social work gave my mum the option of foster care or kinship care, they never made the kinship care agreement official. They said it was a family arrangement even though we had no choice. It was essentially dealing with a situation without having to pay. My uni classes me as care experienced and I've since moved into student accommodation (even though I'm within the distance where it's too close to be offered to us). I stay with my grandparents from time to time and my boyfriend regularly. My dad knows nothing that happened to me in my childhood and I plan to keep it that way.
Today he threw the ultimate bomb into everything by saying that he didn't know how I'd feel about it but his parents are getting old and it'd be nice if I got to know them.
His parents are apparently the reason my mum and dad split up. His parents were given the option to meet me my whole life but would rather be on the golf course. His mum walked out of the house when she SAW me. I'm not sure how he expects me to respond to it but his mum does reach out on Facebook but it's since I've succeeded in my sports and it's been to congratulate me on my sports. I'm not sure what they're after but it's weird.
My dad told me today that he's "proud of everything I've achieved" and that he'd "like to get to know me".
I honestly don't know what they want. I want a relationship with my sibling but I can't help but feel thrown off by how the adults are acting. I've lived 18 years of my life without him and every time I see him it's just awkward. The only reason I go to see him is to see my sibling. I don't need another set of grandparents, I don't want my dad. It's hard because if I had the choice of having a dad or not, I'd choose having one but I don't want one now. It's too late and too much has happened that would've been prevented if he was around. I went through a childhood of abuse because my mother couldn't cope. I know for sure that with two parents it would've been different.
This isn't a post to blame him for all my struggles in life but I genuinely can't help but question why he's trying to get to know me now after 18 years.
I can't sleep on a nightly basis because of past shit but tonight all I can think about is how overwhelming everything is and I really need some help.
Him and my mum split up when I was just over a year old so I don't remember living with him. My mum never got a long term partner and didn't bring people home so I've never had a father figure. Majority of my male coaches I've become attached to, not in a looking for a father way but more a father role model if that makes sense.
I feel very conflicted with everything and he's just made it worse. He used to always come on my birthday and Christmas until suddenly he stopped. I'm not sure why. He never stopped paying for me though. He used to call me every week and we'd talk for ages, or it felt like it at the time.
Then he got married and didn't tell me or invite me. He had another kid who's 10/11 years younger than me.
I want to be involved with the kids life, he's always let me do that. I've seen them maybe 5 or 6 times since they were born. I've always said I want to see them more but it's when he wants to come see me that dictates everything.
He only sees me on special occasions and even then it's rarely. I know I should he thankful he comes at all but he's just screwing me over time and time again.
The last birthday he saw me on (not my last one, because he openly apologised for forgetting my birthday after not acknowledging me on that day) he showed up over an hour late and stayed for maybe 5 minutes.
The first time I met my younger sibling, my dad's mum came into the house, saw me and left. That's the only time I've ever seen her and I've never seen my dad's dad.
They've never really paid much attention to me and it feels like I'm just an added extra here and there.
I got a message from my dad the other day telling me about his "daddy child day" and wanted to make it "daddy children day" if I wanted to do something. I said sure and met up with him today to go for a skate and a burger.
He didn't actually come on the ice. I just taught my sibling how to skate. I had fun with that though.
His side of the family has tried to be more involved with me ever since it was apparent I was good at my sports. I've made the GB team for 3 of my sports and I'm currently competing for a GB junior and senior level for two of my sports and GB University for the other. I'm also at a Russell group uni even though I wouldn't class myself as smart.
Honestly though I feel like everything is just a wreck.
Let's add to this by throwing in the fact my mum became mentally ill, couldn't look after me and neglected and abused me growing up. Not on purpose but it happened. I got removed from my mum when I was 13/14 and moved to live with my grandparents. This has been a rough time too as even though social work gave my mum the option of foster care or kinship care, they never made the kinship care agreement official. They said it was a family arrangement even though we had no choice. It was essentially dealing with a situation without having to pay. My uni classes me as care experienced and I've since moved into student accommodation (even though I'm within the distance where it's too close to be offered to us). I stay with my grandparents from time to time and my boyfriend regularly. My dad knows nothing that happened to me in my childhood and I plan to keep it that way.
Today he threw the ultimate bomb into everything by saying that he didn't know how I'd feel about it but his parents are getting old and it'd be nice if I got to know them.
His parents are apparently the reason my mum and dad split up. His parents were given the option to meet me my whole life but would rather be on the golf course. His mum walked out of the house when she SAW me. I'm not sure how he expects me to respond to it but his mum does reach out on Facebook but it's since I've succeeded in my sports and it's been to congratulate me on my sports. I'm not sure what they're after but it's weird.
My dad told me today that he's "proud of everything I've achieved" and that he'd "like to get to know me".
I honestly don't know what they want. I want a relationship with my sibling but I can't help but feel thrown off by how the adults are acting. I've lived 18 years of my life without him and every time I see him it's just awkward. The only reason I go to see him is to see my sibling. I don't need another set of grandparents, I don't want my dad. It's hard because if I had the choice of having a dad or not, I'd choose having one but I don't want one now. It's too late and too much has happened that would've been prevented if he was around. I went through a childhood of abuse because my mother couldn't cope. I know for sure that with two parents it would've been different.
This isn't a post to blame him for all my struggles in life but I genuinely can't help but question why he's trying to get to know me now after 18 years.
I can't sleep on a nightly basis because of past shit but tonight all I can think about is how overwhelming everything is and I really need some help.
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Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling conflicted and recent events have made it worse, it’s a really positive step you’ve been able to reach out and be so open about how you’re feeling. Congratulations on your fantastic sporting achievements though, they sounds amazing!
It sounds like your conflict is a product of many years and many confusing events, from my experience families are complicated, nothing is simple and everything has many reasons behind it. The older I get the more complicated things seem to be and it's tough to get to the bottom somtimes! Have you thought about asking your Dad that question or talking to him about it?
It's really important to do what you want to do, what feels right for you and to look after yourself
Have a happy New Years!
Sending you hugs
I just firstly want to say how incredible you have done having had such a tough time growing up - to be doing so well in your sport and uni is just brilliant and you should be so proud of yourself.
I think @Skylights advice is really useful - you do what is best for you, not just what is best for your dad or grandparents, you deserve to be happy! If you feel confident enough, maybe you could sit down with your dad and tell him how you're feeling (or maybe you could write it down if you don't want to say it out loud), would you find that helpful?
I also don't want to get to know people that I really would get attached to and end up losing pretty quickly. They didn't want anything to do with me my whole life and now they do? It's just confusing and seems illogical. I'd just be inviting more loss into my life all for them to feel good about themselves.
So I can see both ways and knowing me I'll end up seeing them but I just don't know how I feel.
I'm not at the stage where I can ask my dad how he's feeling. Imagine sitting in a room with a stranger and asking deep questions. It's awkward and uncomfortable for me. Even the letter idea is difficult. I'll see what I can come up with though.
Thank you both so much again
It's awkward though because I still want nothing to do with my dad. I don't feel any love towards him or anything towards him.
Now I'm getting a flat with a spare bedroom, I'm gonna invite my sister round to stay, have my dad's parents in and even the cousins over but I don't want my dad coming and spending lots of time with me.
He's awkward, it's awkward. Everything's just awkward and tbh I don't wanna know him.
I haven't called his parents anything other than their name. They call themselves grandma and grandpa though. I want to try and address them like that, but it's hard.
I guess we'll see where it goes, but it's actually nice finally knowing them. I wish they'd contacted me first, but they were apparently giving me the space to decide. Erm well you could've got to know me as a wee mini hooman but I guess not.
A lot of me really hates them for not trying to reach out to me but I'm glad I decided to reach out to them.
I want nothing to do with my dad though.
I just needed a wee ranty space and figured I'd resurface this fun wee post.
Yeah I'm taking it slow. It's nice to finally meet my only first cousins though. It was a bit weird on boxing Day I went to my dad's parents house to meet my aunt and cousins and my cousin's were calling them grandma and grandpa. I was just awkwardly sitting there like 👁️👄👁️
I wrote them a card addressed to their name and now I'm like omg that's so awkward.
Idk tbh I like them but ugh I just don't know.