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[TW] Daily Obsession [TW]

KaiKai NoobPosts: 231 Trailblazer
Hello,

Im not really sure how to start this off.. It will probably be long, I will try add breakers.. Mods feel free to delete anything you need to.

I have been on a down episode for just over 2 months, it has never lasted this long, normally only a week top.  So some may know from support chat that I am struggling to get by day to day, the only thing on my mind is suicide.  I am struggling to look after myself, I have lost quite a lot of weight since the start of the year, I struggle to wash my clothes, shower regular, keep my flat tidy and communicate with people.. Its not laziness because I get upset over not doing it and feel bad because I haven't, I don't have the motivation.. I cant even sleep normally, I have up to 3 hours sleep a night hence why this is being written at 5:30am.

I can go days without verbally speaking to someone, all I do is stare at my walls or out my window because I feel that somebody is after me, I don't know who but I feel people are lurking around my flat, I even struggle with telling the difference between reality and non reality.. I think I have had conversations and can swear what was said to find out the conversation actually never took place.  Every single thing said to me I over think and can ruminate for hours over a few sentenced conversation.  I spend most of my time drinking because it is the only way I know how to cope without physically hurting myself.

Every single day all I think about is suicide, it is an obsession, I say obsession because I ruminate over it a lot, I research ways to do it, places around me where it could happen, what would happen if it went wrong and how to successfully do it without any complications.  The more I think about it the less scared I become to go through with it, to be honest Im not scared anymore I just want peace, I searched for years for "my purpose" and trying to find a place where I "fitted in" but I have realised it isn't going to happen.  I have a very close, short time window for this so I really need to decide. This world has really broken me.

I don't really experience any other emotion, I struggle even communicating now as it makes me really anxious, I really wish things could of been different, I really do.  Im going to try get some sleep.

Sorry for rambling on, again Mods, delete anything you need to.
Kai x
Jade09

Comments

  • BubblesGoesBooBubblesGoesBoo Sunny ScotlandPosts: 3,535 Community Veteran
    Hey kai :)

    First of all I'm sorry you're going through this, I really do understand how hard it is.
    Something that helped me with personal care and that was doing little bits at a time, I would sit up in bed for a few minutes, realize it wasn't that bad so I would stand, I would give myself little tasks to do, and if it got too much I would go back to bed for an hour, but then get up and try again. I find if there's a lot to do it feels overwhelming and puts you off before you do it, but breaking it down makes it more manageable :) 

    Have you spoken to anyone about the feeling someone is after you? I know medication isn't always the answer, but it's really helped me.. I know everyone is different, but I used to feel my attackers were after me, waiting round each corner and that, but medication really helped and cause of it I'm able to sleep through the night now which has improved my mood a lot, there's nothing worse than feeling low due to lack of sleep.

    I don't really have much else to add, just remember you are not alone, I suffer with suicidal ideation, so I know how hard this can be, with it constantly on your mind, but things will get better, I'm still not quite sure how they got better for me, I just know I'm not thinking about suicide during my every waking minute now :) 

    Also remember if you're ever in crisis the mix have the crisis messenger you can use :)  <3
    ' So I put a bullet where I shouda put a helmet, and I crash my car cause I wanna get carried away, that's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself 'hey, I wanna get better''  
  • ShaunieShaunie I’m alive but I’m ✨dead✨ England 🏠Posts: 10,975 An Original Mixlorian
    Heya,

    i can really hear how bad youre feeling cause i feel like i obsess on killing myself a lot too. And can feel awful. I just really want to say well done for being here and fighting every single day you feel like wanting to die. I know when people say that to me, it can feel annoying cause i shouldnt be alive and should just do it. But it does take a lot of strength to write these things when we feel so bad. 

    I hope you find some support soon and let us know how youre cause sounds really awful for you. 
    𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐝𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐒𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐩𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝. 💕💕
  • Jade09Jade09 EnglandPosts: 576 Moderator
    edited December 2019
    Hey @Kai

    Firstly, well done for reaching out here today, it shows you have a lot of strength  <3

    It sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment, and you talked about been on a down episode that is lasting longer than usual. You also mentioned experiencing strong feelings of suicide and it sounds really difficult having so many thoughts and feelings going on, but you are doing really well to talk about it.  <3

    I'm just going to pop some crisis resources in the spoiler below as they may be of use for you.  :)

    Crisis Messenger are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text 'THEMIX' to 85258 and talk to them about anything. 

    Samaritans are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. They also have some online services here. 

    Papyrus have a helpline that is open 9am – 10pm weekdays and 2pm – 10pm on weekends. You can call them on 0800 068 4141. 

    - If you have any concerns for your health or safety, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.  


    Sometimes when we are feeling low it can be difficult to keep up with looking after ourselves, and understandably small tasks can feel like massive ones when in that frame of mind.
    @BubblesGoesBoo made a brilliant suggestion about setting yourself small tasks and as said breaking it down can make it feel more manageable and approachable. How would you feel about trying this? 

    You mentioned that you are finding it hard to communicate with others at the moment which is completely okay to experience if your mental health isn't in a good place.  <3

    It sounds quite frightening to be feeling like someone is after you, and lurking around your flat and you said that you have previously had conversations that turned out to not be real. Also, that you use drinking as a way of coping, is that fair to say? 

    Have you ever felt able to talk to anyone about what's been going on for you before? 

    There's absolutely no need to apologise, it's really positive that you took the step of talking about what you are going through, its admirable. :)

    Let us know how you are! 
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