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Can you love without feelings ?

NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
Hello there,

This might seem like a very stupid question, and maybe it is.

To give some context, there is a girl I know from about 3 years back, but we really just started talking since about the end of the last school year. Oh yes, by the way, she is my ex's best friend, which doesn't help much. She is very (very) intelligent, the most intelligent person I have ever met, by pretty far. She plays multiple instruments, speaks 4 languages, learning a fifth, does plenty of activities (volunteering, the scouts, etc), has concerts, wins competitions, reads plenty of books and wants to be an neurosurgeon. But most iportantly, I have had the best and deepest conversations I have ever had. We have talked about so much, from space to time to our definition of madness, the origin of the universe, technology and how humans should function, we talked about so much. When I said this to my therapist, she said you mostly have these conversations in your 40s with close friends (I'm sure people have these younger, but still). She is 14, I'm 15. I hope she doesnt read this because she will definitely recognize herself and it would be embarassing.

We have a weird relationship, it's like we do everythign backwards. We don't talk much in real life, we do, but it's light and is only recent, but we send emails all the tie, and like pages of emails, that's our main way of communicating. We don't ask each other how it is going, or what we did today, we don't really do small talk, we just write, ask questions and answer them, but we're developping a little of small talk, not much but it's kind of growing with time, event hough it's usually the opposite. Now, do I love her ? I don't know, can you love without feelings ? I don't have the same feelings as when I was in love with my ex (I still am by the way), it's very different. I would say that what I feel is more like a desire for growth with her, like I love her intelect, I just don't feel any physical attraction, and not a significant amout of affection (just a little, but I would say it's growing too). I care for her, I care about her, but it's not love, or at least not the way I felt it, it's not passionate, like at all, it's just not that. Anyway I don't have any intentions of doing anything, I wouldn't want to, I'm just going to wait, a lot probably, and see how it goes, but I was wondering : 

Can you love soemone without feelings ?

I hope you all have an nice day ^-^
“You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
-Hayao Miyazaki


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    coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    Hi @Nekolovestea

    It sounds like you have really fascinating and fulfilling conversations with your friend which is so lovely to hear. Whatever the relationship, it's good to hear you have someone like that in your life :smile:

    It sounds like a good idea to wait and see how it goes. It can take some time to understand our feelings, and that's absolutely okay. There is no pressure for you to figure out how you are feeling - and along the way it can be a good idea to think and write about your feelings, so it's great that you posted here. 

    But in answer to your question, I think you can love someone without feelings! You can connect with people in so many different ways, and certainly on an intellectual/growth level. This sounds like a great type of love :smile:
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    Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Nekolovestea

    This is such an interesting thread and really had me thinking so thanks for bringing this up.

    It sounds like you have a brilliant relationship with this person and that you both really push each other positively to think more deeply which I think is amazing! 

    In my personal opinion (although it is just my opinion) it sounds like you love her deeply as a friend, I have friends that I love spending time with and I have so much time for but I'm not physically attracted to and it sounds kind of similar to this. So I think you can love someone without feelings but not necessarily love them as a partner.
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    NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Thank you both for your answers, both very interesting, and not as opposed as I thought when first reading them

    I think it would all come down to my feelings eventually, and obviously they are very, weird (?) well confused at the moment. Some times I see her and I think that she is the person I want to spend my life with, but she doesn't give me the traditional "sympotms" of love, like I am nervous around her but it has always been this way, but I don't get butterflies in the stomach, racing heartbeat etc, I just get nervous, and try to watch what I say, and she is on my mind quite a lot of the time, but it's more just me thinking of if I love her or not, it has kept me awake for 2 nights in a row actually lol.
    Anyway, even if it is not love, even though I am more and more thinking it is, I felt quite pleased by the fact that I might feel love again, that I am in this game of figuring out if I am or not, it's quite nostalgic and fun actually, even for quite the serious relationship we have.
    For the anecdote I met her parents this weekend, and her mother striked me, she is exactly like her, I said I thought y friend was the most inteligent person I have ever met, well now I think her mother is. They are basically the same but her mother has the experience of a very interestign and fulfilling life, which kind of fill the few flaws she has told me she has, which are a lack of confidence/arrogance in different situations and a lack of empathy, well her mother has the maturity to know how much feelings matter in life as well and how you have to be forgiving and not judgmental. She looked like my friend but older, like the image of what she would be, the woman she will be, the mother she will be, and it made me think about it so much. I felt like her mother was a motivational speech all by herself, her presence was very pleasing and interesting, an awesome woman I should say.
    Anyway I will see how it goes, how time helps or not the relationship, how my feelings develop, it the best thing to do anyways.

    Thank you again for your answers :)
    Have a nice day!
    “You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
    -Hayao Miyazaki
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    JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @Nekolovestea

    Really interesting thread and thank you for sharing your thoughts and (confused) feelings on this topic. 

    First off, however you want to label your relationship with this girl it sounds like a very meaningful dynamic which you should be grateful for finding as young as you are. 

    My question would be to ask you how you are doing with your feelings towards your ex? You mentioned them in your first post and said you were still in love with them... 

    There is that classic saying: "If you fall in love with 2 people then choose the second one because if you were fully in love with the first you would never have been open to falling in love with the second." Do you think the two relationships are comparable or are they quite different in your eyes? 

    I hope you are still enjoying this interesting dilemma of emotions and intellectual conversations :)
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    NekolovesteaNekolovestea Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Hey @JamJar ,

    Sorry for responding so late, got quite busy, and still am haha

    So yes, to come back on my ex, it has been actualyl a lot better lately, and honestly, I would've never thought it would happen you know, but it did !
    I wouldn't say all my love is gone, because I would be lying, but since she got back with somebody else, I qas a bit jealous, but now I am not anymore, like at all. I stil lcare about her, but she is not on my mind all the time, to the point I would hesitate a lot if she asked me to get beack together (not going to happen but still), I actually think I would say no now, we have become too different. This feeling is quite new though, but it's an improvement, and the origin of this post is quite probably linked with my lessenning feelings for my ex.

    So I wouldn't say my love for my ex wasn't true, But I must say that almost 3 years after the break up, I am more open to another relationship, yet not actively looking for one. However, I don't think these two relationships are comparable, my first one was very, let's say, passionate, yet not so fast to get going, it was less of these deep discussions, but it was more about daily interaction and the affection that follows. There is not really any affection between me and the person I talk in this post, but I believe the complicity is growing, at least from my point of view. And I have thought a little about my vision of love, and I concluded that I see love in a very practical way, and affection is probably just one of the elements needed, but not really the main one, but I believe it's still necessary for there to be love. So in conclusion I think it may not be love yet, but I will just have to see, it might just be some new kind of friendship I have not encountered before, or maybe some sort of affection will be developped, time will tell me. 

    “You must see with eyes unclouded by hate. See the good in that which is evil, and the evil in that which is good. Pledge yourself to neither side, but vow instead to preserve the balance that exists between the two.” 
    -Hayao Miyazaki
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