Living at home

Former Member

I really hate living at home with my parents even though ye they r good sometimes. I want more independence. 
I mean I like the fact they are there to support me and take me to places. 
But I can't just go out when I want to. Join a club or involved in something. Visit someone without them worrying. Date someone but it not work out well without them asking questions. Cook something or make something. Back when I was at university private accommodation it was much easier to do what I wanted. While still having support from parents. Now its like i dont really have any privacy. 
I don't think I can take it anymore. Back when I was younger I didnt go out a lot so I am asked so many questions now. And also i am the only child so they r over protective of me.
I even have a job with my own money so I don't understand why I can't have more genuine independence other than the fact house prices are stupidly high.
I don't feel like getting my parents presents because what do I get back really if I don't have the one thing I really want. I can't visit people far unless I talk about it. I don't know what to do and im bad at talking about things, i hate arguments. I just kinda wanna walk out but id have no where to go and I need to stay her because of my job (and i hardly have any holiday anyway) I am super unhappy. 

Former Member

Hi @tkdog

I can really hear that you are wanting some more independence and it's good that you are talking about it. Firstly, I wanted to say that you are not alone in feeling this way. I hear lots of young people talking about this all the time, and that's very normal as we are all at the age where we are growing and seeking more independence. So hopefully people here can give some advice from their personal experience  

I understand it can be hard to talk about this, and that you'd rather avoid arguments, but sometimes the best thing in this situation really is to talk about it. You deserve to feel independent and you deserve to feel heard and most of all, happy. You did really well explaining your feelings to us, so I'm wondering if you can maybe work on feeling confident to speak to them about this? You could even write it in a text or letter if it's easier than speaking face to face. How would you feel about this?

Good luck! and take good care

Former Member

Hey @tkdog
I understand your frustration, I feel like this is a situation a lot of young people go through as they seek more independence and their 'own life'. I think the best thing to do here would be to discuss this with your parents, they only want the best for you and if they care about you as much as it appears they do, they will listen to you. I understand that you don't want to cause any arguments, but if this is something that is really bothering you, you should still try to speak with them about this, as you will only become more frustrated and even resentful of your parents. You never know, they may not even react the way you think they will! They may actually listen to your wishes and work towards making this a better situation for you. 

You say that you're bad at talking about things, but this may be because you would rather keep everything bottled up instead of talking, because you anticipate the worst - so you just don't. Try to get out of this habit, start talking about what's on your mind more, they will take you more seriously and the situation may get better for you. 

All the best ) 

Former Member

Yeah I just don't know what to say. I don't want to be accusing to my parents I guess.
I heard my Aunt tut tuting my dad when I moved back in with them. She wouldn't be much help to me though and family relations are strained. I do wonder though

I did consider talking about purchasing or renting a property, very expensive though.
Realistically i dont have yet enough money saved? And ive only had this job a short while so it doesnt feel stable yet. My dad said something about investing in property so maybe.
But maybe I should say a little more, generally about independence and how im feeling. I dont want to tbh and rather say the minimum i can it makes me uncomfortable. My parents are old and they kinda dont want me to go, i wouldnt move that far though just maybe up to an hour away at most, especially since i need to stay within a certain area. As a family we never really talk about this kind of stuff so its very awkward. And my dad is super protective over me.

Former Member

@tkdog I think moving out would be kind of extreme right now, and you should definitely consider talking to them first. Everyone's family is different and all has different values and customs, but if this was me and my parents, I would start the conversation by just simply saying that i needed more independence, but that this doesn't mean I'm just going to start doing whatever I liked whenever I wanted to, I would still respect that they are my parents and that they are just looking out for me, but its started to make me feel like im being restricted of my privacy. Talk to them about your job and how you're earning your own money, how this shows that you're capable of having your own responsibilities and that you're adult enough to fend for yourself. I think just being really honest but still respectful towards them would go a long way. It probably won't change overnight, and will most likely be more of a gradual change, but just starting the conversation will help eventually. I know you say this makes you feel uncomfortable but sometimes conversations will be uncomfortable and awkward! 

Your parents just care about you a lot, and so they worry often about what you do and who you're with etc - letting them know that you understand this would also help. 

Former Member

Hey @tkdog

I agree with the others that conversation is key!

I'm in a similar position to you - it is so tough from having your independence to living back at your parents. I would say that if you can spare a bit of money maybe you could start putting some money aside into an account that you could eventually put towards renting/buying a house. I think once you realise how much money you're able to save living at home and that there is an end result of getting a property, it might not seem as bad (that's what I've found anyway)!

We have some articles about saving money which could be useful if you decide to go down this route: https://www.themix.org.uk/money/money-management-tips/should-i-be-saving-money-9019.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/your-voices/submissions/getting-your-finances-in-line
https://www.themix.org.uk/money/money-management-tips/manage-your-money-well-8280.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/money/living-on-a-budget/making-a-budget-8279.html

Former Member

Hi @tkdog

I understand you really well. When you reach a certain level of maturity, you start to seek independence and when you begin to be questioned by your parents, you can sometimes feel like you are being controlled. It is very normal  to feel this way because including myself a lot of young people go through the same experiences. 

Firstly I would like to say that you did a great thing by sharing your thoughts and feelings here with us because being able to share things that make you unhappy is always a great start to solving your problems. Therefore, do you think it would also be correct to speak to your parents about your feelings too? I understand you don't want to cause any inconvenience but it's important that you are able to share your feelings to be able to find a solution. 

Look at the link below because I believe it really does some up the steps to gain that independence while living with parents! 

https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Independent-While-Living-in-Your-Parent's-House 


Parents are all the same  They just care about us a lot  and I am sure they are not in realisation that their worry is not making you very happy. 

Former Member

There is problem with the whole saving money and getting a house thing.
My dad wants to control everything like saving my money, getting a house etc. He wants me to get a flat but in the same area im already living like 3 mins away walking and have it as a rented property so i wouldnt use it.
I guess like its alright as a investment i said but im worries its more a part of a plan of keeping me here and never letting me really move out. I would rather a property somewhere else even if its only 25 minutes further, because i think staying in the same area forever is unhealthy.  I have savings and while they belong to me i dont understand enough about how it works to manage it and im having diffulting figuring what to do and basically my dad manages all of that. I probably should of gone to this financial talk thing but i was uncertain what it was about now looking back it would have been helpful to me.

I also want to go visit people much further away then my local area with ppl i met through internet and ye i met them b4 locally so they r safe but my parents dunno that. So i cant travel like to places or on holiday with them and i dont know how to bring it up to them. The people who i known from like from university were not really that great.
Apart from one person i screwed up our relationship with because i didnt visit him 1 hour away by car because i was too scared to ask my parents. They always make me feel fearful to say anything. Unsafe and uncomfortable and unable to do anything like order packages or bring anyone home.

I generally feel ignored when i ask a question and ive been asking for years (most of my life) to decorate my room for example ever since i was young and they still havent because its too hard blah. Even when it was easier in the past they didnt let me redo the walls literally just painting them. Perhaps i could do them myself but the whole shouting about it and trying to get permission to do them and get the materials to do it without any support is very tiring. And i keep getting promises to do so in the summer but nothing happens. I dont really like my room and the carpet isnt nice either i didnt even really choose it. And it makes me sad how so many ppl much poorer than me get to do what they like or go out a lot or get stuff they want, change their rooms every six months whereas for me hardly ever anything. It's not a money or time issue. And its frustrating that i have enough money but cant do anything i actually want to do. Some one (supposedly my friend but not really) said something saracastic at me for being priviledged when i just feel sheltered and unable to pursue what i want. (Though that person said a bunch of other horrible things that day like i dont have many hobbies which is not true.
When i tried to pay for them or in part at least they refused and paid for me as well even though they complained we were getting the expensive popcorn.)
And its harder because i dont feel like i have many friends to lean on to help me though luckily i have some ppl online and i meet in person too.

I realise this is mostly ranting but jus kinda needed to.

Im scared how to be independent when im not allowed to be by my parents who try to do stuff. What i want is more privacy tbh. I couldnt go fully independent but i rather be allowed to do more stuff go out more without people asking so many questions of my safety. I dont get why they dont trust me to manage myself and apparently the streets are too dangerous.

Past User said:

@tkdog I think moving out would be kind of extreme right now, and you should definitely consider talking to them first. Everyone's family is different and all has different values and customs, but if this was me and my parents, I would start the conversation by just simply saying that i needed more independence, but that this doesn't mean I'm just going to start doing whatever I liked whenever I wanted to, I would still respect that they are my parents and that they are just looking out for me, but its started to make me feel like im being restricted of my privacy. Talk to them about your job and how you're earning your own money, how this shows that you're capable of having your own responsibilities and that you're adult enough to fend for yourself. I think just being really honest but still respectful towards them would go a long way. It probably won't change overnight, and will most likely be more of a gradual change, but just starting the conversation will help eventually. I know you say this makes you feel uncomfortable but sometimes conversations will be uncomfortable and awkward! 

Your parents just care about you a lot, and so they worry often about what you do and who you're with etc - letting them know that you understand this would also help. 

I probably will try and tell them more about how my job and money makes me more independent.
I mean im asked about my job alot but i still feel treated as a child. I want to prove somehow that im capable and apparently that having a job isnt enough to them i gotta say something more that i did this and that but idk
My dad just said today im still like a child which isnot fair i come so far in trying to learn and deal with myself. At school the teachers used to say im very independent and capable of managing myself. This was years back and im far better. K managed myself back at university too, cooking etc. Immature sometimes yes but that doesnt mean not independent. I manage my health and my mood and self learning. But every time i talk im never taken seriously. So i kinda feel like why try when im only treated like what i say isnt important.

Siena

Heyy!

that sounds realy hard for you. And frustrating. Having hardly any indepenance from your family can feel really suffocating. If youre old enough for a job then youre def old enough to start being indendant and doing things for yourself. 

I guess trying to even explain this to parents are really hard cause some parents dont like seeing their child grow up cause means they could less be in your life and less control. It sounds like they care about you, maybe too much so they should care on how this makes you feel , if you spoke to them in the right way. I can understand of not wanting to cause an arguement but doesnt have to be an arguement can be a gentel discussion.   I can relate in not being allowed to decorate your own room. My parents wouldnt let me. But when they wasnt at home i had all the paint i needed and just started and when they came in, i was just like yeah i am painting my room. And they couldnt stop me by then cause would of looked pretty shit lol and was actually not that bad about it. I know may ve hard tho cause their property and stuff. 

Youre right in terms of your enviroment can really affect how you feel so wanting to live somewhere else or change of scenery of your room can do you good

It can help to ask your parents on how they was when youre age and doing the things they wanted without playing 21 questions. And if you cant do it now - when will you ever be cause youre already old enough to. 

Sorry if that wasnt too helpful. Hope youre okay