Strict parent issues affecting everyday life - unsure where to turn

Former Member

Hi, any opinions are sooo welcome i would like to see what people say - bit nervous aha

Main issues are to do with my mum, i'll bulletpoint a few

• freedom - not just going out with mates or boyfriend, with general stuff too -  have to ask before i can do anything and i'm 20. for example if on friday afternoon i get asked my my group to go for a drink at the village that evening which is 10 mins away from where i live, even though i know i'm not needed at home,i still have to ask,my dad would tell me to just go and that i don't need to ask 'because i'm 20' but i couldn't unless my mum said OK - it isn't just this but since i've been in a relationship i've been doing more with my life rather than just sitting at home and i think there's an element of not letting go, im not irresponsible so makes this much harder to understand

• opinion of my boyfriend - there's nothing wrong with him at all but she wants him to be less shy and get a different job, he's working on the shyness and when he's had a drink he's fine lol but his job is his business and i know he's not planning on staying there  forever - think the job thing is to do with if we were to start looking for our own place the money would be an issue, im no where near that stage yet so i feel we have plenty until we'd ever start thinking about it

• don't feel i can open up or chat about anything with her - often get shouted at or anything i say doesnt matter really, sick of crying myself to sleep at night just to let some emotion out - got bullied when i was 15 and that was the lowest i had ever felt, starting to feel low like that again it's better now tho as i've got more support from my boyf, sis and best mate and know i can talk to them if i need to and they keep me from being that low but it's just hard sometimes

• what do you lot think of not wanting to talk to parents about 'sex' and all of that? i have gone into the contraceptive conversation which is fine, uncomfortable for me but i don't like having that kind of talk i'd rather speak to a nurse if i have concerns, i understand this may hurt some mums' feelings but i think it's reasonable to want to speak to a professional about any concerns rather than a parent i just really don't feel comfortable doing that, do yous agree that that's reasonable?

Former Member

Hey @Past User

It sounds like you might be right, that your mum is struggling to let go. She's so used to you being her little girl and her making all the decisions for you that she's probably finding it really difficult now that you are old enough to make your own decisions and have your own social life that doesn't always involve her.

Have you ever thought about writing her a letter to explain how you feel? If you feel like you can't talk openly about your feelings without being shouted at, this may be a good approach. That way you can write everything you've written here without being interrupted and she can have time to read and reflect on what you've written before responding to you

Here are some other tips:

https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/how-to-live-with-your-parents-3296.html

https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/problematic-parents-3290.html

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Can understand your nerves but we are all here to support you and glad you reached out here. 

It sounds like you’re having a hard time with your mum understanding you and letting you be responsible for your own decisions. I agree with @Past User that it can be difficult for mothers to let go of their little girls, but it’s understandable from what you’ve said that it can be frustrating. 

I’m glad that you have some solid support from your boyfriend, sister and best mate. Does your sister have the same problems with your mother as you do? If so, have you tried talking to your mum about struggling to be open with her together and support each other? It might help to get some support from each other when talking to her. 

It’s reasonable to prefer to speak to a professional about sex and topics that you are not comfortable talking to your parents about. It’s important that you get the information you need about any concerns, especially with sex and contraception. 

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Seems like you thought really a lot about that staff and really upset with current situation

Look, about the first point I ‘d like to ask you how exactly you ask your mom about going out? I mean when I’m at home I always tell my mom where I go, I do not ask her permission I just tell her to notify for her not to worry. Can your mother prohibit you to go somewhere? If not, why not to change attitude to this situation and think of your mothers “okay” as of notifying her and nothing else?

 

About other issues it’s kind of common problem I guess..A lot of people can’t be open with their mom/dad, why exactly does this issue worry you? I ask cause a lot of people do not feel this need to share with mom and dad exactly, they share with friends and that’s enough for them. So I guess the problem is that you can’t find proper contact with your mom, am I right? You told that she is shouting, what’s exactly the reason? Do you have different views, or she just doesn’t want to talk?