Met this guy who is desperate for friends now he won't leave me alone

Former Member

I met this guy through some dodgy app. He lied by saying he was a girl and to meet up. He told me he was a guy at the last moment by text while he sounded guilty and said he might not even come. I met him anyway said it is ok blah I mean I came all this way and he didn't seem dangerous. In a busy public place like this it was safe enough.

I just went with him in the end to some chicken burger place. He seemed very sad I was leaving after. He then later asked over text if meet again and i said no i dont think so. He said ok tell me if u change ur mind. But then 2 days later he ask again. I already said no before and it felt so soon and eh.

He said he understands but he has cancer and only five years to live. And he was an orphan from 12 and living alone in the UK without friends so it would mean everything to him. Idk if this is true and its hard to trust someone who already lied. And i dont like all the guilt trip involved here. Really wish I didnt get involved. I didn't reply yet.

I had a feeling I might hang out with him sometime but i was leaving it as non important right now. But he is being pushy when I don't know i dun wanna atm. Maybe i could have said later. But it doesnt feel quite right with him. As a casual thing its cool but everyweek even every month feels too much to me and its forceful kinda. I like hanging out with people but there is the other issue that I lie to my parents if im meeting random ppl or internet friends. I dont do it a lot tbh. Its just they wanna have a vague idea what im doing. Even though at this age I should be allowed to make my own decisions. 

He also lives a little distance away not super far but its a little while still so its not easy. His messages always had a desperate tone to it so i dun like it. I dun wanna hang out for his sake only. Its my time and although i usually waste it doing nothing i dun wanna force myself out and do stuff all the time when it is super exausting. And i dun even know him or have much reason to other than being bored or feeling sorry. He seemed very nice but just desperate not for love as such just friendship it seemed. He wanted to watch a movie and he really wanted me to go for some reason which im not 100 per cent keen on since i had a few bad movie experiences with guys. And im not a big fan of them honestly. I would still consider tho just for fun but when i feel like this force on me it doesnt feel good. 

Former Member

Hey, this sounds really hard on you. It's understandable you don't like the desperation and guilt-trip

Although it's obviously sad if he's lonely or if those things he told you are true, you definitely don't have to force yourself to do things you don't want to. You don't have an obligation to hang out with him. Have you got any ideas on where you want to go next? If he keeps acting like this, would you feel comfortable bringing it up to him?

I hope you can manage the situation okay, I know it's uncomfortable when someone's behaving like that

Former Member

I did discuss it with him.
he is genuine about being lonely I know that and possibly the other stuff too based on other things he said when I met him.

I think though he needs much more than just me to talk to like a group of friends or just even some kind of meetup that goes to the pub etc.
I can't fill his needs and stuff. I have my own things.
He said he would be happy to meet one last time, but there is a danger it will lead to more. I did agree to meet him but on that condition of not making it a regular thing. He lives a little while away though and doesnt like seem to want to travel to midpoint so yeah. I guess i will see how it goes but i didnt choose a exact date just a weekend sometime soon so yeah it will just be when it is. I wish that he does get what he needs in life and it is really sad if its true he has limited time to live but i hope he will be okay. I will have to lie to my parents again though and its like how many times can I do this and that. I somewhat feel like I have to save my lies to meet other friends that my parents would question as I met online rather than through work, university, school or family etc.
Id consider maybe telling them a bit about it some of the less dodgy online ppl but idk really.

JustV

Hey @tkdog, I just wanted to reply and acknowledge how rough that journey is that you described. You think you know someone and you're into them, then you find out they're not who you thought they were and a different gender, then they drop a bomb on you about a cancer diagnosis and their life expectancy... jeez! That's intense and it's very reasonable not to be okay with how that unfolded.

Reading your posts (particularly the first one), it sounds like you're not keen on continuing your relationship with this person and, if that's the case, that is more than okay. Just because you've been talking to them and you've met them, doesn't mean you're under any obligation to stick it out for any longer than you want to. It's important to put yourself first and, as you mentioned, it can be hard to trust someone who's said these things, even if that deception comes from a place of vulnerability.

It's also really clear that you care about this person and you want the best for them, despite the situation you're in, which is super considerate of you. Sometimes, in these situations the kindest thing can be to be honest with them and not hold up a relationship you're not invested in, so they can find something more genuine with someone else.

Out of curiosity, what app did you meet this person on? You don't need to answer that if you'd rather not.

I will have to lie to my parents again though and its like how many times can I do this and that. I somewhat feel like I have to save my lies to meet other friends that my parents would question as I met online rather than through work, university, school or family etc.
Id consider maybe telling them a bit about it some of the less dodgy online ppl but idk really.

Reading this, it sounds like you meet quite a few people online in a similar way? How come you feel you have to lie to your parents about it? Sounds like a difficult spot to be in if you're just trying to make friends and meet people.

Former Member

Ohh yeah its super weird and intense.. ;(

Haha sorry nope i'm not gonna share app here if only to avoid awkwardness.

Its hard to say no. Its also like i kinda wanted to meet and go to cinema but i didnt at the same time. And i actually said i would do two days that week possibly but that was over text before i met them. I didnt say i would however.
Its kinda conflicted in me whether I want to or not. But rest assured i wont and cant continue this as a thing. 

No the other online people I met were not in the same way at least not using a app. More legitimate through a shared hobby you could say first through a forum different to this sort of thing and then through chat groups which felt safe and exclusive as it was through introducing people who already knew each other.  But its a weird hobby and its hard to talk about. I mean my parents know my interests I guess idk maybe i could explain it in a way that makes sense it not to my dad maybe my mum. I feel I have to lie because my dad is a lot more strict and protective. He gets very worried and stressed easily and that makes it very hard to talk about it.

And you know they are not used to the idea of meeting people online being of the older gen. Its really hard for me to talk about that. Maybe my mum will understand as she has a lot of random ppl added to fb.. tho she doesnt go and meet them irl. Its something for me to think about but i dont feel i have a stable relationship with her mostly miscommunication. Like back at school she would ask questions like oh what year were u in at school again.. that type of thing. 

Like people for dating.. I actually have another related issue (probably will end up making another thread ahhh) which is that there is someone I like and I say i would love to meet them. But there is no way to lie about it because they live too far for me to make up some story about it. Its not too far thats its impossible to travel and i have money for it. But i will have to tell them everything or at least half the story if nothing else. 
They would probably in fact want me to date but with people of the opposite sex and this is same sex. But regardless id feel pressured to do relationship even if i came out and was accepted and thats why I havent said anything so far. 
Idk if this is serious and i want room to experiment but i cant do anything with my parents watching every move. I wanna be free to make mistakes, try new things and drop them immediately if i hate them. But with your parents they are always asking so much it makes me uncomfortable. 

Yeah it sucks but i cant live home anytime soon. And i got used to living away from parents as i did uni elsewhere and moved back in to do another degree.. and cos nearer to jobs. But i cant go in honestly because it doesnt feel right talking to them at all. Too distant and strange.

I add my parents probably want me to make friends but are also overly worried. I rather take care of myself and i feel i dont get a chance to as much. I have too much desire to be independent, but idk if im being avoidant about it. Sometimes i rather ignore a problem and make it bigger. Its just very hard when u never had communication with ur parents.