Would you put up with this from your 'dad'?

Former Member

So my biological dad who I met a few years ago as he wasn't around all my life has been acting really weird. He shows his jealousy if he you don't let him help you with anything and thinks it my stepdad who was around. He says things to cause trouble and rings up drunk accusing me of not calling him dad or ringing him as much as he does. 
One time I was  texting him for a while even sending pics of me and my friends together having fun then a week later he randomly texts me saying are you ok I haven't heard from you in a while? 
What the hell.
And now I've just had enough. Don't want to speak to him because a while ago he just out of the blue said I don't have any money to get you anything. Even though I never asked for anything! 
So I ignored him for a while cause he kept saying he wants me to buy him dinner! But I can't afford to. So because he hasn't heard from me he asks me to go out for tea somewhere on his treat but I say no I don't want anything for free I don't want to think I'm after free stuff.
Then he says " when did I call you a money grabber?" 
!!! I never said that. 
I'm so annoyed. And have been for over a year. Am I right to block him out my life? 
I only like my stepdad 

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Sounds really tough. Do you want to talk a little more about how you came about meeting him, it sounds like he feels guilty and sad about not being around when you were growing up? If he is jealous of your stepdad?

It also sounds like he's just not sure how to be a dad...! If he's unsure on how often he should be talking to you and if he should be getting you gifts. Has he got any other kids or is this a totally new experience for him?

If you feel like you want to/need to block him out of your life or give it a break for a bit, then do, only you can make that decision and whatever feels right for you is right

- Lucy

Former Member

I think its fine as he is not the dominating parent for you to not need to speak to him. Do you think he was drunk in all these occasions? In that case you could tell him to text you once he's stopped drinking.
This is what I can give from reading over your main post quickly- sorry if I missed the point 

Former Member

Hi @Past User, 

I'm sorry you're going through a rocky time with your dad  families can be difficult sometimes and it must be strange that hes suddenly come into your life? You mentioned you were messaging him and sending him pictures, do you enjoy having him to talk to?

It could be helpful to write down the kind of relationship you'd like with him and figure out what aspect you'd like him to have in your life (or not at all if that's what you decide). Maybe just the odd text or phone call to get to know each other and catch up without there being too much pressure?

Its sound like he can be quite full on sometimes, asking for you to buy things. One way of looking at it could be that he feels guilty that he cant afford to take you out and wants to spend time with you. It could be as strange for him as it is for you, not that it makes it okay for him to be asking you to spend money that you dont have.

If you feel that not having him in your life at all is the right choice for you, then only you can make that decision and what you're comfortable with  but I would also consider other ways he could he in your life that work for both of you and not feel too overbearing. Is there anyone in your family that you could talk to about this?

I hope things get better between you and your biological dad, we're always here to listen 

Former Member

Hi @Past User 

We have a few things on The Mix about dealing with parents - they're not 100% exactly matching your issues but you might find some of these "parent problems and solutions" are helpful to you:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/when-parents-wont-let-go-3291.html

Lucy307 said:

If you feel like you want to/need to block him out of your life or give it a break for a bit, then do, only you can make that decision and whatever feels right for you is right

I totally agree with Lucy here, you have to do what is best for you. If you do want to build a relationship with your dad there is a thing called Family Therapy that you could suggest to him:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/family-therapy-7961.html

Hope this helps a bit x

Former Member

Hey @Past User,

Sorry to hear that you faced some troubles lately.
Did I got it right that he didn't bring you up and were missing all your childhood? If it is so, I guess you have really all the rights to block him out. Maybe somebody will condemn me here, but I think being biological parent doesn't make you real parent. If he brings you so much worries and interfere your life so strongly you have all rights to stop it.

Of cause it doesn't mean to be rude or so, you just can explain him politely that you need some time to get used to the fact he appeared in your life and you're not ready to share everything at  once, you need private space.
Don't be annoyed, nobody can make you do anything, so if you don't feel like doing smth, just dont

Former Member

Thank you. I've taken everybody's reply into consideration and although he only has me and my sibling who is still talking to him despite how he's been with her too....
I do feel like he is interfering too much and making my life a misery. 

But now I'm a bit paranoid because me and my sibling usually talk about this sort of thing in detail but we haven't and I know he called her after I blocked him but didn't know what about. So I'm thinking are they thinking I've just gone off in a mood? Or will calm down.

I am very calm. I was angry the last I ignored him but not blocked him before. Last time he kept ringing me drunk so I ignored it and he text saying he was outside my house around 11pm but he wasn't....I would usually find this funny but I know how he is so it just annoyed me a lot. 
I have been so tired, and down in the dumps. I've started eating more than normal : (

Former Member

hey @Past User,
  Understand your worries and being tired from this situation (( 

what if you text him that you need some time off and so you'll block your phone. You can not specify that it's him who is going to be blocked, but just notify him in general that you won't be avaliable for certain period of time?

Former Member

I've put something saying about needing a break for mental health and only being around those who bring your spirits up but not directly to him. Hopefully he'll see it. 
I did feel myself feeling better today. 

Former Member

@Past User it's good to hear that you've taken some steps towards looking after yourself and are feeling a bit better today. It all sounds like a really difficult situation but just try and take care of yourself as best you can and feel free to keep us updated here on the boards, we'll try to help however we can.

Former Member

Thank you Riley. 
He turned up out the blue today. He didn't stay long but a thing he does is say love you and hug me. I still feel resentful. I couldn't  wait for him to go. I must still be annoyed?
He still expects me to say 'love you' back but I've told him in a calm way I don't ever say that because I wasn't brought up to be loving like that. Even though I was treated well growing up. I would never call him dad either which he is also still waiting for. 
But that most certainly won't happen. 
I must sound so cold. But I don't see how he could change how I feel. I respect the man who brought me up too much to ever do that. 

Former Member

hey @Past User,

I understand you pretty much. I know this feeling when you don't want to do something but at the same time feel a lot of pressure cause you know that someone really expects something from you. You blame yourself that you're cold and you're upset because of the fact that you're annoyed..

Look, if youI don't want to talk to person it doesn't mean that you are bad one. It means only that you have your reasons not to want to and it's absolutely normal. If someone hugs you or tell you about love it doesn't mean that you have to tell/do the same back and if you don't you're cold or whatever. It just means that you don't want to do it now/not ready/have  bad mood etc.

In general if you tell someone that you love him/her you do it to express your feelings or to let him/her know about it in a clear way and not to make this person to tell the same  Feel relaxed, he tells that he loves so okay 

I hope you'll feel  better 

Former Member

So since he last turned up, I have been to see a gp and put on anti depressants. It's been 2 weeks or so and I'm starting to feel much better.
 I started to wonder if I'm being silly about the dad thing but I still feel the same especially when he text last weekend.....
He text me to ask me what I want for my birthday.
 Not if I'm ok or anything. I said "I don't feel like talking or seeing certain people right now as I'm going through some stuff and want to get better. So I don't don't want want anything or expect anything from you.
 So he said ok let me know as i just want your company. Then I found out from my sibling that his wife had gone away for the whole weekend so I don't think he can handle being alone. But using me for someone to hang with and saying behind my back he doesn't know what he's done. When he should know I tried to tell him last month.
I know now I am happy to distance myself from him. 
I have more respect for my stepdad and real mum and family. 
One time I cancelled plans with my biological dad and his wife because the family I grew up with offered me to go out for tea with them and I felt I didn't wanna miss out spending time with them.