Why can’t I enjoy sexual pleasure!

Former Member

Hi! I’m a 24 year old female (very nearly 25) and have been sexually active since the age of 15/16. I’ve had about 13 sexual partners in my life and I’ve never enjoyed/experienced pleasure with any of them.. this includes foreplay and intercourse! I feel like I’m so abnormal and It has driven me insane. It has had a huge effect on my mindset in the last 3/4 years. Masturbation is the only way I can enjoy pleasure which is extremely unfulfilling, is there something physically wrong with me?! I can get aroused when it comes to kissing but once it goes any further it’s like my body just switches off.. i am sure it could well be a mind block as I do get very nervous and I am always concerned about not being good enough/not delivering in bed. I am also awful at communicating and can’t seem to be honest with a partner when I am just not enjoying the sex! Which makes me feel very silly as I know communication is key. I feel seriously alone and have never told anyone this as I find it really embarrassing. The older I get the less hope I have and the more insecure I feel. When I go out drinking I can start to feel low really easily as I feel like no boys looks at me/would be interested. I am so desperate to change this and would truly appreciate any advice from anyone!! X

Former Member

Hey, @Past User,

Thanks for being open and sharing your worries with us.

You know, it seems to me that there sould be the right time for everything. If nothing goes on, probably that it's not a right time for it to happen (or not the right person). I understand your worries and your wishes it's clear and I feel sorry that you're going through  it. I do not know if you find it suitable for you but I'd offer just to wait for a right person for a while. I understood that you're stressed but do not let your stress  make youto do mistakes you're going to regret in future. We are not animals so sex it's not only about phisical action, so probably you just didn't really had feelings to any of your guys? Can you tell that you loved any of them?
At your age it's kind of obvious being active cause hormones level is high etc., but probably you're not ready to this kind experience from psycological point of view and so you're kind of stuck with your problem now. Didn't you think maybe to talk to sexologist about it? Do not push yourself, your body is part of you and it hints you that something goes wrong, relax and think about it.

I hope it'll be better soon 

Former Member

Hi @Past User 

Thanks so much for opening up to us and I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

The Mix has written some good articles about sex, and some things to try to help you enjoy sex more:
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/making-sex-better-13823.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/sensual-sex-3919.html
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/expert-chat-lets-talk-about-sex-13946.html

There is also an organisation called Relate that provides relationship advice, and as part of that they have a section with lots of articles about sex - maybe you could have a look at that:
https://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-sex

Let me know if any of these help! 

JustV

Welcome to the community @Past User. Don't feel embarassed - these sorts of issues are way more common than you might think, and The Mix is here to help with anything, including the awkward stuff.

It's no secret that (as a general rule) women have more trouble working out what works for them sexually than men, and you're definitely not alone in the frustration you talked about. I want to highlight this part of your post:

Masturbation is the only way I can enjoy pleasure which is extremely unfulfilling, is there something physically wrong with me?! I can get aroused when it comes to kissing but once it goes any further it’s like my body just switches off.. i am sure it could well be a mind block as I do get very nervous and I am always concerned about not being good enough/not delivering in bed.

One of the easiest and fastest ways to turn yourself off is becoming preoccupied - that might be with anxiety, paranoia, being very self-conscious, etc. If you're not mentally comfortable in a situation, you're probably going to struggle to get the physical stuff working. This is true for guys, too, and it might explain why you're only finding pleasure through masturbation - you're alone and not worrying about what someone else thinks or anxious about pleasing whoever you're with, meaning you're more relaxed and present in the moment.

It might even be worth thinking about what makes the pleasure work when you're on your own. What environment are you in? Do you feel relaxed? What are you thinking about? What makes that experience physically pleasurable (even if it's ultimately unfulfilling)? These are good things to consider for when you're with someone else - you could try replicating some of those to find a good starting point for exploring things further.

I am also awful at communicating and can’t seem to be honest with a partner when I am just not enjoying the sex! Which makes me feel very silly as I know communication is key.

This is suuuper true. It's not always easy to talk about sex, but it should be.

Someone once explained this to me in a way that stuck with me - when you're with someone new, you're learning them. You're learning what makes them feel good, what relaxes them, what makes them feel special. Knowing and using all of that can make for a really good sexual experience but it takes time to fully understand that what works for someone, and that's okay. Sometimes you both might both need a bit of help getting there too, so explaining or showing each other what works for you can really help. Being super honest and open might even help your partner feel comfortable doing the same.

I'm not sure whether any of this rings true for you and I made a few assumptions in this reply, but I hope that helps in some way. Remember you're definitely not alone, even though it might feel like it (likely because nobody talks about it!). Glad you decided to post about it.