Anxiety Overload

Former Member

I've been suffering with immense anxiety the last few weeks and I've been finding it really hard to cope. My mind literally feels fragmented trying to keep my thoughts on anything other than the anxiety otherwise I fear the kind of hole I'll fall into or the breakdown I'll have. 

It's hard because I know that it's my job that gives me anxiety and I know the things I should be doing to help combat it but I dont want to do those things. It makes it difficult to talk about because I dont want to be told to do the things I know I should be doing but I choose not to and not helping myself. I mean how are you supposed to help someone who wont help themselves.. 

I work in finance and I find it really overwhelming because any little mistake I make has big consequences. I've worked there for just over a year now and I cant stop constantly thinking I should know more than what I know and be better at my job. I constantly tell myself how useless I am and get really frustrated with myself. I know lots of people will say to find another job, its not worth it but I dont want to. The hours are really good, the money is semi-decent and I get sick pay and overtime if I have to stay late. I also don't feel comfortable talking to my manager about it because I've never been able to open up about my mental health to anyone before. 

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember and I've always been able to hide it and just get on. I know how that feels and when things are getting bad, in some ways it's like a comfort blanket. Its just part of who I am. This however, is only something I've only really noticed within the last year and a half/ 2 years and I feel like I'm literally at my wits end. 

I feel like I've built this carefully cultivated facade of who I am and how people see me but this anxiety...I just dont know what to do with it. Its exhausting in a completely different way than depression and they're so conflicting together. 

There are only many ways your mind can break itself before you're just left completely broken.

JustV

It's good to see you posting @Past User.

This part of your post stood out to me:

Past User said:

I know lots of people will say to find another job, its not worth it but I dont want to. The hours are really good, the money is semi-decent and I get sick pay and overtime if I have to stay late.

Hours, money and benefits to a job are really important and it's good you're thinking about the practicalities of what you do.

That said, what's arguably more important is the impact it has on your health. No job is worth doing if it's pushing your mental or physical health to breaking point - your wellbeing is paramount and you'll probably find you hit a wall at some point if you're taking on too much (if that hasn't happened already!). Most people spend a third of their time at work, so it's really worth trying to find a job that makes you happy and enriches your life, or at least a job that doesn't actively hurt you.

Obviously you have the agency to make your own decisions around that and you know your life better than anyone, but I thought I'd share my perspective on that.

Past User said:

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember and I've always been able to hide it and just get on. I know how that feels and when things are getting bad, in some ways it's like a comfort blanket. Its just part of who I am. This however, is only something I've only really noticed within the last year and a half/ 2 years and I feel like I'm literally at my wits end. 

I feel like I've built this carefully cultivated facade of who I am and how people see me but this anxiety...I just dont know what to do with it. Its exhausting in a completely different way than depression and they're so conflicting together.

This was quite a powerful read and I can hear how integral to you depression feels. You talk about being 'able to hide it and just get on', but it doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. There is help out there and, particularly when it comes to therapy, there are types of support that can help you uncouple yourself from a burden you've learned to live with.

You mentioned that you haven't been able to open up to anyone about your mental health before, and that's okay. These things take time and, if you did want to start exploring something like therapy, there are ways to build yourself up to that. Telling us randomers online is a good first step.

On a serious note, would you be interested in getting professional help? You said you know the things you should be doing to help combat your anxiety - can I ask what they are?

Past User said:

I also don't feel comfortable talking to my manager about it because I've never been able to open up about my mental health to anyone before.

Finally, I wanted to say that you can take time off work and your employer doesn't need to know why. If you need a day or two here and there for your mental health, you can tell your work you're unwell and you don't have to give them any more information than that.

Sorry, I know this is a long reply but there were a few things I wanted to share - I hope that's okay! No pressure to respond to everything (or anything) I've said, but it's really brave of you to reach out. You're not on your own with this.

Former Member

Aww, hey Evelyn, I'm really sorry you're going through this Anxiety of any kind is horrid and it does sound exhausting for you.

I understand not wanting to change your job and that's definitely okay. It sounds really difficult to have it be making you feel like this but also wanting to stay at it. If you could find another job that had the same pros but wasn't so stressful, would you like to take it, or would you still want to stay at your current one?

Similar to what Mike said - is there anything in particular that makes you not want to do the things to help combat it? There's no pressure on you to do things to help yourself. I just thought I'd share a small little coping technique I use to help calm down: breathe in for 4 seconds and then do the same for breathing out x

If it's worth anything, I'm sure you're good at your job and not useless at all.

Do you want to talk any more about the depression? Thank you for posting about things, especially when you've had trouble opening up to people

Former Member

Hi @Mike / @Past User, 

Thank you for taking the time to read this. 

M - This was quite a powerful read and I can hear how integral to you depression feels. You talk about being 'able to hide it and just get on', but it doesn't have to be that way if you don't want it to be. There is help out there and, particularly when it comes to therapy, there are types of support that can help you uncouple yourself from a burden you've learned to live with. 

You mentioned that you haven't been able to open up to anyone about your mental health before, and that's okay. These things take time and, if you did want to start exploring something like therapy, there are ways to build yourself up to that. Telling us randomers online is a good first step. 

On a serious note, would you be interested in getting professional help?

My feelings surrounding depression are quite complicated. It's a love hate relationship I've created - which I know is completely irrational and unhealthy. Its almost like it's part of my identity now, albeit a part I've only ever shared on the Mix but it's still a part of who I am. I know when it's at its worst its unbearable but I dont know if I'm ready to let it go? Although some part of me does wonder if that's just because I'm too scared to open pandora's box and actually come to terms with that side or myself...?

About going to therapy, I'm not sure if I could do that. I ping pong back and forth all the time about reaching out but i always end up just pushing it away. It just feels like this messy, complicated mix of the unknown. I'm scared of letting the facade go and saying how I actually feel but equally scared that I'll feel invalidated if I cant find the right words. 

M - You said you know the things you should be doing to help combat your anxiety - can I ask what they are?

K - Is there anything in particular that makes you not want to do the things to help combat it? There's no pressure on you to do things to help yourself.

I know I should go to the doctors and try and work through everything. I should tell my manager and get help from work. I should probably look for a different job. I should just generally be more proactive with my mental health but its exhausting and terrifying just thinking about. 

K - If you could find another job that had the same pros but wasn't so stressful, would you like to take it, or would you still want to stay at your current one?

I probably would leave my job if there was somewhere with the same benefits that's less stressful. I feel wholly inadequate where I am but giving up feels like the easy option. I think I'm actually quite good at hiding it as well because my manager tells me in our meetings that I come across as calm. That being said, I'm pretty sure both my manager and supervisor are starting to lose patience with my inability to retain information. -  And I've literally just realised this is a typical example of how my own perfectionism manifests itself in creating unobtainable standards to be who I think someone wants me to be. Interesting...

Thanks again, I know it's probably quite an intense read.

Past User

Hey Evelyn, really proud of you for writing this. You understand yourself really well, and have a good idea where your the worst of your problems are coming from, which is amazing in it's own right.

You say the anxiety is stemming from your job at the moment, though I'd just like to ask if these kinds of moods come on in waves? I ask because I'm curious if the low mood is triggering the feelings of inadequacy, and that in turn is causing you to become more and more anxious. Do you enjoy the work you do there? Do you find it challenging or engaging at all? I cant speak to what you're going through fully, but whenever I've had serious anxiety about work (in the uni sense) it's all stemmed from me no longer enjoying it and becoming depressed about it. 

I completely empathise with how you're feeling about not wanting to do the things you know you should. It's very perceptive of you to notice that just being depressed and anxious is the easier option, such that you've called it a comfort blanket in the past (a sentiment I agree with). The problem is in order to push for things to be better, you have to make yourself incredibly vulnerable, which is an absolutely terrifying notion.

I would argue that you are helping yourself by the way. I feel like theres pressure to jump into things with two feet, just hoping that things will work out in the end, but anxiety just makes that an inconceivable idea. I'm sure there was a time when just mentioning your thoughts to others, even online, was a crazy idea yet here you are. 

Obviously given that, you're free to do everything at your own pace, but try to keep posting your thoughts here if you're able. Over time your anxieties and misgivings will fade away I promise you that, and it gives you an opportunity to feel more like yourself if that makes any sense. Keeping a mask up for people is exhausting yes, and you shouldn't have to do it constantly.  

If theres anything you need I'm always around.

Former Member

Hey @Spook98, 

Hey Evelyn, really proud of you for writing this. You understand yourself really well, and have a good idea where your the worst of your problems are coming from, which is amazing in it's own right. 

I would argue that you are helping yourself by the way. I'm sure there was a time when just mentioning your thoughts to others, even online, was a crazy idea yet here you are. 

Thank you, it means a lot.

You're right, it's probably why it's taken me until this year to even look online and find the Mix. Although it still does take me a while summon up the courage to write a post. I wonder if that ever goes away..

You say the anxiety is stemming from your job at the moment, though I'd just like to ask if these kinds of moods come on in waves? I ask because I'm curious if the low mood is triggering the feelings of inadequacy, and that in turn is causing you to become more and more anxious. 

It's interesting to see it this way, if I think about it I think it might be the reverse to an extent? The depression is always there to some degree and probably some form of social anxiety (I imagine that's linked to the depression in that I dont like to feel "noticed" and constantly worry people are looking/ talking about me and would therefore see past my mask). The anxiety I get from work I guess is because where I work with money, I'm completely accountable for my work. Which is fine and so I should be. But when I'm trying to drift through life unnoticed and suddenly I feel like there are eyes all over me and my mistakes it's difficult. That probably spikes my depression and I end up cutting myself off from people even more because it's so hard to act okay when you just want to fall apart. I guess when I then have to go back to work when all I want to do is hide, my anxiety goes into override analysing everything I do and i question my every move. Which is actually a horrible cycle when I write it down and look at it. 

Do you enjoy the work you do there? Do you find it challenging or engaging at all? I cant speak to what you're going through fully, but whenever I've had serious anxiety about work (in the uni sense) it's all stemmed from me no longer enjoying it and becoming depressed about it.

On the days where I can flit through work and its busy and i can just get on and do what I need to do, I do enjoy it. I'm a bit of a go between in the sense that I have to interact with a lot of different people to make sure things work how they're supposed to in order to do my job. Even when things go wrong, as long as I know what I need to do to fix it, the pressure doesn't really phase me. I like finishing the day and feeling like I've done a days work and I've helped out other people, helped make their jobs go smoother. 

The problem would be it is quite challenging. It's not a career I ever saw myself doing, which isn't a bad thing but I find it difficult to wrap my head around all the processes and I get anxious that I'm doing something wrong. Its frustrating because I feel like I can never just do anything in any aspect of my life. I'm always second guessing myself, running through all the possible outcomes, telling myself I can't do something and worried about how it will effect other people. 

I think you said it quite perfectly "I feel like theres pressure to jump into things with two feet, just hoping that things will work out in the end, but anxiety just makes that an inconceivable idea."

Past User

I dont think it goes away. It hasn't yet for me. But you find that those anxieties shift somewhat, in the sense that each time you overcome the challenge of talking about something you couldn't previously, the smaller things become easier and easier to talk about. After that it's on to the next thing you're struggling with. It's not perfect but at least it progress.

I understand now, and yeah it certainly sounds stressful for a perfectionist such as yourself. I imagine the fact that the same pressure is on others too doesn't do much to help you feel better? It's a shame that mistakes have such tangible consequences, given the fact that mistakes are the main catalyst for learning and getting better. 

Given that perfectionism though, I imagine you're better at your job than you give yourself credit for. As I said there will be pressure on everyone to make as few mistakes as possible, but making mistakes is kind of just human nature. It's how you react to and learn from them that will define how all the people looking at you (probably fewer than you think), will think of you.

I find it quite difficult to be so positive, and id never claim to have the presence of mind myself to be able to keep all of this in mind when I was seriously anxious and depressed. I guess it's just good to consider the counters to all the negative thoughts you're having, even if you dont believe them at the time. And if you're not able to, you can always see if a friend can. Living entirely in your own head is awful and allows your thoughts to fester into something worse than it should be. :S

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Its really good to read you found us, it okay to take your time there is no pressure to ever feel you need to post the first day you join us. I hope you are settling in well here and find it useful being here. Its been a few days since you started this thread and I just wanted to check in to see how you are?

In you original post you mentioned work and not feeling comfortable talking to the your manager about your mental health, has it helped opening up here and talking to us here about it? Sometimes using experiences like this have helped young people to go and be able to talk openly about there mental health. Its okay not to be okay and its okay not to know the right words to say as well. If you ever do feel ready to talk to your manager about it remember we are always here to help you and give you advice if you would like it. I just want to echo what @Mike said, you sound like a very strong person to be able to go in and keep fighting and everything Mike said at the end of his comment I want to re share with you. 

Finally, I wanted to say that you can take time off work and your employer doesn't need to know why. If you need a day or two here and there for your mental health, you can tell your work you're unwell and you don't have to give them any more information than that. 

Employers don't need to know why your off every single time. Mental health isn't like a bug or an infection you can see so if you ever feel you need the time off, taking it and I really hope it helps. 

I've dealt with depression for as long as I can remember and I've always been able to hide it and just get on. I know how that feels and when things are getting bad, in some ways it's like a comfort blanket. Its just part of who I am. This however, is only something I've only really noticed within the last year and a half/ 2 years and I feel like I'm literally at my wits end. 

I'm wondering if you have ever spoken to anyone about this such as your GP? It can really help to talk about these feeling and ask for help as and when you need it from someone who can help. You mentioned you feel at 'wits end' has something happened to course this feeling? 

We are always here if you feel you would like to talk to us.

Former Member

Hi @Abi, thank you.

I've been pretty much more or less the same since I posted. I do find the boards helpful as half the time I'm not even sure what I'm feeling until I write it down. It's really useful to see other peoples views on things as well, I would definitely say I'm more.. "enlightened" about myself since I've found the Mix if that makes any sense at all. 

I'm wondering if you have ever spoken to anyone about this such as your GP? It can really help to talk about these feeling and ask for help as and when you need it from someone who can help.

I've never been to my GP about mental health before, I'm not actually registered at a doctors at the moment and haven't been for about 3 years... I dont really like going. To be honest I've never spoken to anyone about my mental health before outside of the Mix.

You mentioned you feel at 'wits end' has something happened to course this feeling? 

I think it's just the cycle I've always had. Push everything down for as long as you can and then eventually when it feels like it's all coming apart I'm back to being at my wits end until I can shove it all away again... and then rinse and repeat.

Former Member

It can be really beneficial to be registered at your local GP surgery for many reasons mainly as you will never know when you need help for a physical illness. Its understandable to be nervous about going as its something new and change. Sometimes it can really help to know that someone is there when you need it later in time. 

You mentioned a cycle where you push everything down for as long as possible, has anything ever helped to not to bottle up these emotions? Some people like to write down what they want to bottle up and either rip it up and put it in the bin or keep it in a jar so when the emotions do finally empty out the jar out. Close to the top the jar is to being full, sometimes can help a young person know that they need to off load and seek support. I will also link some other distractions and ways to help you relax which might also be help you. 

nshn list of distractions This has a list of self care and distraction which have helped some young people. 

Anna Freud This page has over 80 different types of tips on which a lot of people don't think about. 

Playing your favourite playlist can really help.

I hope things start to improve soon, do keep us updated and if you feel we can help you do keep coming back we are here for you.