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Grief after rape

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 for 10 years I took/accepted my pain, your pleasure, accepting feeling scared, feeling numb to it, feeling empty and lost, is playing myself, being trapped. 

For 10 years I kept ‘what started as a game’ a secret. Is it remorse to inflict sexual acts, to then be rewarded with clothes, alcohol, other gifts. Does that mean he felt guilty? Or bad? There was some sexual acts I went along with out of my own confusion/naivety but the others I said no, I cried through it, on those times you rewarded that. I still don’t understand this internal confusion in my mind. 

My silence destroyed my mind, my body. I’m grieving for what was taken and what parts of me are now damaged. I had a child, created from my silent fears, I didn’t think possible because I was / am so damaged by it all.

I’ve grieved for my Grandad, but this I hate myself for, how can I grieve for the ‘things’ which have changed me, have killed me instead, I’m not and will never be the little girl I was then.

i haven’t known me since 


Comments

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,493 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Heyy,

    i wish i knew what to say. 

    I have felt like this. And Maybe not relevant to you. But i was watching casuality yesterday. The person said "there is no going back from it" and something about not being the same. I took this and related it to myself on abuse then Ian said "who wants to go back anyway, its going forward that matters". Sadly we can not fix whats already happened & how you feel is understandable. We can look forward. & it can be really hard to accept whats happened. & I know thats really a lot harder to do. We build ourselves everyday. Youre a lovely person and you are still there. No one can ever take that away from you <3  im sorry if that wasnt helpful. I tried to make in it context with myself incase you dont see the same <3
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    Thank you Shaunie, I wish I could follow those words at the moment, they do make sense 
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @NatalieMT

    'I haven't known me since' this really resonated with me. I've been changed by something, too, and it's been really hard to accept that I've become a different person due to it. Due to something that wasn't my fault. But that's part of growth, I think. Hopefully you will be kind to yourself and know how strong you are for getting through this.

    Sending you hugs and support, let us know if you want to talk more. <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • AbiAbi Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
    Hi @NatalieMT

    Its been a few days since you posted this. I just wanted to check in with you to see how your doing? 

    Crying is perfectly normal and healthy thing to do, does it help at all to cry? Its understandable to feel like unsure about how to feel. Have you spoken to anyone about this? Talking can really help ease thoughts on your mind. 

    You mentioned grieving of your Grandad, i'm sorry to read this. I just want to share with you a site which might help you. Cruse is a charity which supports people going through Grief. They have a helpline services 0808 808 1677 they are open Monday-Friday 9.30-5pm (excluding bank holidays), with extended hours on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings, when we’re open until 8pm.

    We are always here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. 

    <3
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