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Relapse and recovery

milliemillie Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
I think I’m just going to monologue my thoughts.
I feel like relapse and recovery isn’t spoken about much. It’s hard, because it’s like admitting defeat. But it’s not, I guess it’s just part of recovery. Recovery is scary too, though... what even is recovery? Is it having no issues? Or is it being able to manage them? And manage them how??? It can be so hard to “recover” when you don’t know exactly what that means. i guess it’s different for each individual. sometimes illnesses will last a lifetime but you get to a point where you’re able to cope better with them, and live relatively normally (whatever normal is!).
I know myself that it can be overwhelming and look hopeless when a doctor tells you that something is likely to be lifelong. I first got diagnosed with anxiety when I was 7, and then depression when I was 11. It wasn’t until I was 16 that I got diagnosed with EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder, which is basically BPD so I usually just stick to saying that) and PTSD. And then 17/18 when I had my first experience with psychosis and got another diagnosis. I’ve obviously been in counselling and therapy for these, but also had a struggle with medications and finding a combination that didn’t make me feel like I was constantly ill. Ive has periods of feeling like that was it. The medication had worked and I was totally cured, got my hopes up, only to come crashing right back down after a few months. I guess for a while I was fixated on “getting better”, which I don’t even like to use the phrase anymore. I’m not going to get better, I’m going to get better at coping with everything. I would say right now, I’m not exactly at a high point in my life. But that ok because I’ve decided to come to this point so I can start to improve. I never opened up about my past until a couple weeks ago, and now I’m talking about it with my therapist. I know now that I have opened up about everything, I can genuinely start to improve how I cope because I’ve received that help. (We are definitely still in the midst of going through it all, but the hard part of opening up is done) If I hadn’t opened up, I think I would have been in the vicious recovery relapse cycle forever because there was a lot of unresolved things in my mind that I was suffering through alone. I understand now that I have opened up about it that it doesn’t necessarily mean I have a straight path to recovery but I know it’s going to make it a lot easier for me to be able to challenge my own thoughts and get through rough times. Medication will probably still have to be changed, I’ll still have relapses and I’ll still have times where I’m not this positive, and I’ll be swearing that my life is hopeless and it’s never going to get better.. but I am thankful that I can even reach the place that I’m in right now, and be able to see positivity and hope for the future. I guess I have to work on being able to reinforce this thought when I’m in a worse place and remind myself it’s going to be ok. But that’s just another part of recovery I guess.
anyway sorry for that massive rant/whatever that was. It was depressing and yet hopeful at the same time haha. Thanks if you read it all :) 

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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,497 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Heyy, 

    thank you for sharing this with us <3. I think its really great youre seeing some positives. I hope its helped to share

    i have my own definitions of recovery and resapse is a word i do not use since my training for peer support worker. It can def mean things for different people. Some people think its being "cured" and all sorts.  But i quite like the way i was trained and that was basically to see everyone in recovery, we are all trying and to think of it like a road trip - there are some bumps but you do not start where you was - right of the begining of the road. May even need to go a different way or be stuck at the bump for awhile but you dont restart your jounery - you still have everything you have learnt.  That is why i hate the word relapse because it sounds like oh im back to where i was. But from this post you sound like you have become really self aware of what you could try to have a bit more of a positive life. I also do not view recovery as being "cured". We can get futher in our recovery , we found out more about ourselves and see our progress and regain hope. We will always have bumps and to think you will have none is a unrealistic expectation because your journey will carry on forever and somethings get in the way and thats okay too :)
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Jade09Jade09 Moderator Posts: 660 Incredible Poster
    Hello Millie,

    Well done for sharing with us here, I know it isn't always easy to do!  <3

    Recovery is a difficult thing as it is never linear, and as you mentioned it can be hard to realise what recovery actually is which can make things even harder. It is good that you are looking at the positives though as that can help and your way of looking at it, in the sense that you will learn to manage everything more effectively is a good way to approach recovery.

    It is good that you was able to open up about your past, and are now talking with a therapist. How do you feel that is going?  :)

    You don't need to apologise for sharing with us here!  <3

    Jade x
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    DurhamjaideDurhamjaide Posts: 1,225 Wise Owl
    Hi Mili 
    i hope you are feeling better soon and I hope you or on a quiet road to recovery. Are you ok? Has the hospital , councillors and doctors are listening to your views? If there is anything your not happy don’t be afraid to speak up. 

    Hope to here from you soon
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