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My struggle

milliemillie Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
edited September 2019 in Health & Wellbeing
so this is my first post in the discussion boards. I’m like an old person worth technology and I have literally no idea what I’m doing or if this is even in the right section?? Anyway I’m gonna go ahead and just hope it doesn’t get deleted? I read the guidelines either way so I hope it’s ok. 
I guess I want to share like a bit of my story, briefly, so that people can better understand me in the group discussions (I feel like a bit of an outsider since everyone seems to hang out in the discussion boards the rest of the time).
I went through 10 years of abuse from my father, mostly physical and emotional. He and my mother divorced when I was 4, and my mother is mentally ill. So i lived with him, and through the age of 4-10 he sold me to a group of men (his friends) who sexually abused me each weekend. When I was 11 I went and moved in with my mother which, whilst she isn’t abusive, isn’t easy either because I had to care for her. I never told her any of the things that had gone on until I was 16, when I told a youth worker who had to tell her for safeguarding reasons. I refused to talk to the police, and therefore nothing was done (I didn’t tell them the full extent of the abuse).
I’d struggled with self harm from the age of about 7, and was a selective mute until I was 12. I first went into hospital when I was 16, but I wasn’t sectioned. That’s when I first started getting proper help for what I’d been through, though. I’ve had CBT and a small amount of EMDR. I moved out when I was 16 to go to college, and I’ve been very distant to my family since then. I went into university, did those 2 years and worked for a bit, then decided I wanted to do something else so I’m technically still in university, but it has been put on hold until I’m better able to cope. I have been admitted to hospital (a psychiatric unit/mental health hospital) 3 times, and in total, spent 12 months in hospital (with few month to half a year breaks between the 3 sections)I was first admitted when I was 17. It is difficult, I feel extremely alone in my situation as I don’t have any family that I speak to and due to my mental illnesses, I distance myself from making any true/close friends. I do have some, but they have no idea what I am going through.
the group chat here does really help as it provides somewhere I can go that is 1. Supportive and understanding
and 2. Is filled with people who I assume are around my age and not professionals, so it’s a friendly and laid back place. 
I’ve been through a lot and I am struggling, and that’s ok. I have had issues with validation, so when someone makes me feel like I’m invalid or what I’ve been through is invalid, it’s extremely triggering. I’ve had a lot of time in therapy accepting that what I have been through wasn’t ok, and it wasn’t my fault. And it isn’t something that I can dismiss and say “other people have it worse”. It’s ok that I’m struggling, it’s ok that I’m in hospital, what I’m going through is valid and it is difficult, it’s ok that I am getting help

[edited by moderator] 
Post edited by TheMix on


  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    edited September 2019
    Hi @millie welcome to the boards! You have posted in the right place, don't worry :)

    Your childhood and teenage years sound like they were very difficult with sexual abuse and being a full-time carer for your mother, and keeping it to yourself until you were 16 must have been really hard for you. You are very strong to have made it to where you are now and I'm proud of you for reaching out on the boards today <3

    You mentioned that you had CBT and EMDR therapy, did you find those helpful? 

    I can see from your post that you are finding it quite lonely being in hospital without having anyone to speak to - how would you feel about reaching out to one of your friends?

    It's really positive to see that you have been using the group chats. If you need any support for the sexual abuse you experienced, you can call Rape Crisis on 0808 802 9999 (between 12-2:30pm and 7-9:30pm) or use The Mix helpline at 0808 808 4994.
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • milliemillie Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    CBT has been really helpful. i was never able to be positive like i am now and i do find myself correcting my own thoughts and stuff. EMDR wasn't so good, I did no stabilisation work beforehand and i wasn't ready to go into the trauma. I am doing some trauma work in hospital now and its been really hard. stabilisation has helped a lot though and im able to keep more safe now. hopefully ill be out soon and able to go back to uni.
  • PoppyBPoppyB Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    @millie That's fantastic to hear that CBT has worked well for you and that you are able to notice unhelpful thought patterns. It's so positive that you have set a goal to work towards to go back to uni :) What are you studying out of interest?  

    Feel free to look around the other forums if you want to get involved in any other discussions :)
  • milliemillie Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    i was doing a type of animal management (i dont want to be more specific, it would be easy to identify where i was studying) but i changed my mind and want to do paramedicine now. i think when i was at the age of leaving college and starting uni i was clueless as to what i wanted to do and i lacked confidence to be able to just go with that i wanted so instead i went with something that i thought was easy enough and i would enjoy. and i do love it, working with animals is therapeutic (most of the time....) but its not what i want to do with my life. 
  • Evelyn360Evelyn360 Posts: 82 Budding Regular
    Hi @millie and welcome to the boards, I'm glad you have found us  :) Thank you for sharing that with us, I know how difficult it can be. 

    It sounds like you have had some really challenging years and I just want to reaffirm how well you are doing with CBT and therapy and I'm really glad that you've found CBT helpful. 

    You mentioned that you moved out for uni/ college and I was wondering how you are finding your living situation now? 

    We're all here to listen and lend a supporting ear  <3

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,493 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2019
    Hey @millie

    glad you've found your way onto the boards! Your strength to go through all that and doing your best is really inspiring <3 it sounds like a really hard few years to cope by yourself. No one should be able to handle all that by themselves and shows lot of strength that you do & we are here for you <3. It always good to explore what you wanna do so I'm hoping uni will be okay for when you're more well to return

    It's okay to talk about being in hospital and what you're struggling. Everything and how everyone feels is valid and all worthy of support and it's okay to seek that. 

    Look after yourself <3 we care and this is a safe place to vent 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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