Confusion (possible TW)

Former Member

Is it self harm if you do something knowing it’ll make you feel lower, make you feel anxious, sad, vulnerable?

Doing something to see whether it is enough to push you (me) over the edge? or so you’ll be completely, stop thinking or searching for reasons to stay?

I’m struggling to understand me, I know why things happened, they were wrong (yes I still blame myself to an extent, that’ll never go), my whole life to now I’ve never understood myself but I don’t like to understand myself either.

I have flashbacks, I’m stage I know through feel, thoughts and surroundings when something bad is going to happen, I should by now be able to ground myself, but instead my body feels paralysed by them, I can’t move, I tense up, I’m lost in the memory but I do have feelings which don’t go, I know they’re present and different, I feel like vulnerable child, I feel things that I wanted then that I was too scared to ask for, to speak out. The difference now is it all feels too stupid, to late, and the fear of rejection is the most prominent, the fear of unknown it feels. 

I cant digest or cope, no will I ever comprehend the things that happened to me. A part of me needs to protect others from it by staying silent. 

Former Member

Hi NatalieMT,

thanks for sharing, it can’t have been easy.

Even if it doesn’t technically count as ‘self harm’ I can definitely relate to self-sabotaging behaviour. It can sometimes feel better to feel something no matter how horrible than to feel nothing at all.

have you tried the mix counselling services? They really helped me as I could never have talked about stuff face to face, you can even web chat if you’re under 18! 

Keep talking and and if the first person you try doesn’t help keep asking 

Siena

Hey, @NatalieMT

i can relate to self distructive behaviour and doing things to see if it would give me the courage to kill myself or see what would happen. I think its cause I did it cause a part of me didn't want to die so a part of me just wanted to be further convince that I should not keep living and that i should choose to die. I hope you can still find/see the reasons to stay alive. 

Trauma can really make us feel disconnected to ourselves -to make us not understand ourselves 

Its never too late to speak out about whatever, you don't have to deal with it alone , -& I can really understand the feeling of, feeling like it would be better if others didn't hear it. Something happened to me & it's always hard to say cause feel like I'd disgust them and should protect them from it. But people do want to hear it because people want to help you. 
Sorry if I mis understood anything you said. 
Take care