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Two steps back

knownaslonerknownasloner Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
I thought I was finally recovering but every time I take a step forward, it feels like I take double that backwards. I begin to feel more positive and that maybe I’m getting somewhere in life, then half an hour later I’m back to self-destructive thoughts.

I can’t maintain stable friendships and the relationship with my family can be dysfunctional. I was abused severely in my last friendship, and I know that’s where all my paranoia, anxiety and PTSD come from, but I wish I could be free from it.

Each time I find a connection with someone, which is rare, I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts of “what if they don’t actually like me” or “what if they turn on me”. I know sooner or later I’ll unintentionally ruin the friendship I’m trying to build now. I’m incapable of remaining sane; no one wants an emotional wreck for a friend. If I could change, I would.

I’ve always been pretty isolated, maybe I should stay that way.


  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    I read your other post too and wanted to say I'm really sorry you were in that friendship. It sounds like such a hard thing to go through. You mentioned in the last post part of you thinks you should be over it by now - it's okay and understandable to still be affected and there's no timeline for healing :heart:

    Do you feel as if you'll unintentionally ruin the friendship you're trying to build because of your lack of trust? Or is it something else? You haven't been here long and I already think you're a lovely person, I'd want you as a friend regardless of whether you were an emotional wreck.

    I hope you know you're really worthy and deserve love, not how your past friend treated you :heart:
  • knownaslonerknownasloner Posts: 48 Boards Initiate

    Thank you  <3 

    I guess I just expected to be over it by now. I thought I was getting there but when I’m in a new friendship, everything seems to remind me of the past. 

    I think part of the reason I believe I’ll ruin it is because of lack of trust but there are others things contributing. Minus the abusive behaviour from my old “friend”, the person I’ve connected to recently has some similar personality traits to them [not necessarily negative]. Sometimes it’s difficult for me to be around him but I really don’t want to give up on our building friendship. But I don’t know if I should end it to avoid opening an old wound if it goes wrong. My emotions get out of control easily and sometimes I overshare or “act out” which scares people away. 

    I hope that made sense..

  • Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hi @knownasloner

    I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

    I hope you know you're really worthy and deserve love, not how your past friend treated you

    I thought this advice from Kathleen was so important that it was worth repeating! It's totally understandable to feel worried when you have been through so much in the past.

    Do you think you could sit down and talk to your new friend about how you're feeling? Maybe by opening up to him, he can reassure you that his intentions are right and that you can trust him - perhaps that could make you feel a bit better?

    Have you had any counselling at all?

  • knownaslonerknownasloner Posts: 48 Boards Initiate
    Hey @Han93

    Thank you  <3

    It’s easy to say that I’m worthy of love and deserve it but it’s really hard to believe it. I’ve gotten into a bad habit of believing that I’ll only ever be treated like I was in the past and that I did something wrong to deserve it. 

    I’m working on trying to trust people again but even the littlest thing that someone says, my paranoia twists it into something it’s not and I’m back to the start. 

    It does sound like a good idea to talk to him about it but whenever I bring up my past to anyone, I get so worked up and emotional. And if I did open up to him and he decided he didn’t want to be friends anymore, I’d struggle to cope with that after being let down so many times already. So it could help me feel better or go completely wrong.

    I see a psychologist but it’s not personal because the main subject is about building a better relationship with my parents. I want to see a counsellor but my parents don’t think I need it though I’ve tried to explain what happened in the past.
  • Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    Hi @knownasloner

    I just wanted to check in and see how you're feeling about this now?

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