Happiest I've ever been but also miserable

Former Member

I'm a 22 year old woman who has been with my boyfriend for roughly 6 months. Since the relationship began I've been happier than I ever thought it was possible to be - he treats me well; is loyal, funny, caring, and smart; and best of all, helps me be the best version of myself.

Yet despite all of this, I still have managed to cry myself to sleep and generally feel completely miserable way more than before I was in the relationship (the sadness is always directed towards the relationship, but never anything specific). I know this isn't a direct response to his words or actions, because he has never intentionally done anything to make me sad, and does everything he can to make me happy. So I'm at a loss for why I feel this way.

I first thought it was related to separation anxiety when I was away from him, until we lived together for a month and those dark little feelings still crept in. I've noticed I sometimes can't work out where I fit into his life or feel like I end up carrying the relationship, even though we both equally work on those things. I don't understand how I can be so happy and so miserable at the same time, and I don't feel like I can talk to him about it until I've worked it out.

I'm so in love with him and can't imagine life without him, and I'm scared because it's getting to the point where I want to distance myself from him or have to stop myself from being unnecessarily mean, without knowing the reason. Whilst I'm aware this is probably my own problem in my own head, I don't understand where to start searching for the cause or answers.

Former Member

Welcome to the boards Elsbeth

I'm sorry you feel this way. It sounds so hard and confusing to be happy and in love yet that down

Do you think it could be general feelings projected onto the relationship? Just an example, if you're struggling with feeling unlovable, that could be projected onto your boyfriend and you feel he doesn't want you?

Have you tried using a diary to explore your feelings and keep track of any thoughts or specific times you feel miserable? That can sometimes help people to get a better understanding of things.

If you didn't feel like you couldn't, do you think it would be of any help to tell him how you're feeling?

Sending my love, we're here if you need to talk

Former Member

Heyyy @Past User

Welcome to the Mix, you have been incredibly open and honest in your first post here and I hope you will see how honesty and openness is reciprocated in this community. 

You say you can't believe how you could feel so happy and so miserable at the same time. Are these emotions occurring simultaneously or are you swinging from one emotional extreme to the other? I ask, because similarly to what @Past User was asking about, I am curious as to whether the beginning of your relationship may have just coincidentally timed itself with potential changes in your mental health?

I have included an article that you may find interesting to read below. I do not know how much of the article will resonate with you - that is for you to know - but I thought it might be useful so wanted to share just in case. https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/depression-mental-health/bipolar-disorder-6633.html

How have you felt over the past 2 weeks and how has the relationship been?

Hope things are relatively OK

Former Member

Thank you @Past User and @JamJar for your insightful responses ❤️ 

The beginning of the relationship was in a calm period of the academic year, and was understabley exciting because it was the whole honeymoon "getting to know eachother stage". A few months in I started having extremely dramatic mood swings, but my doctor and I rectified that by changing the birth control I was on, and they went away.

Now that I have nothing to blame, it's like the emotions exist simultaneously together. The surface level is incredibly happy and in love, but underneath this there's this bitter taste of misery and hurt. The emotions coexisting, is a bizarre feeling unlike anything I've experienced before.

In recent weeks, the relationship has been what I would call normal. When we don't see eachother, we talk everyday and then spend whatever time we have together. I did talk to my boyfriend about how I was feeling, and he made it something for us to deal with together, which is amazing. But I still can't shake to feeling of being distant. However, I have been wondering if this is maybe a defence mechanism for some reason?

I am seeing my GP this coming week, and might mention these feelings to see if he has any advice. I just want be able to understand if these feelings are a fault with myself (e.g. mental health) or are justifiable to something.

Former Member

You're more than welcome

It does sound bizarre for you to have a surface of happiness yet underneath that so miserable. I understand wanting to be able to tell if the feelings are a fault with you or something more external.

It's great that you told your boyfriend about it and that he reacted well. It could be a defense mechanism and that makes sense - are you thinking a defense mechanism in the sense of making yourself feel distant because you're scared of losing him, for example, or do you have something else in mind?

Telling your GP about your feelings sounds like a good idea, let us know how that goes

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Thank you for being so open. I understand how hard this can be as I have been through something similar, although not the same. I have previously suffered from anxiety which was projected onto my relationship. Even though I felt happy with how it was going, I was pushing him away which I thought, like you, may have been a defence mechanism. I can understand how confusing this is. 

I was wondering if you have anyone else you are able to talk to? Discussing how I was feeling with my parter, family and friends really helped. Have you considered talking to others about it? Or maybe consider counselling? This is something else which has helped me in the past. 

Of course, we are here to chat whenever you need