Revelations

Former Member

Just another internal monologue I thought I'd write here.

Today I feel odd. I feel numb and yet... twitchy. Twitchy because I can feel every inch of emptiness inside of me. It's like free falling but inside of me. Theres just nothing. Usually when I feel this empty I shut down mentally, it's easier to be asleep than it is to be awake and that's something I indulge in often because its my favourite form of escapism. But today, I feel very awake and I cant get comfortable. 

I guess it has given me time to think although I'm not really sure what to do with it. These are things I've realised; I used to (maybe still do) numb my emotions. Push everything way down deep to deal with another day. Except that day never came and it's become an unhealthy foundation for how I deal with my feelings. Something that I'm trying to do, but have no idea how, is to forgive myself. I'm tired of being angry at myself all the time. Its exhausting. So revelation number 1 is that I need to forgive myself. When I started numbing emotions about 10 years ago it was a survival instinct for me. I want to (need to for my own mental health) forgive myself and understand that I'm not a bad person for not wanting to be sad. Although ultimately that's all I ever seen to feel. 

Revelation number 2; I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed to feel emotion, to feel vulnerable, feel anything. I know a lot of people struggle with vulnerability but I've made my own little mental hell where I'm too embarrassed to get to know myself, acknowledge I'm human. I funnel so much hatred and perfectionism internally. 

I write all this in this empty moment of mine and yet I say these things almost in third person to myself? I don't know how to acknowledge myself and I definitely don't know how to stop numbing emotion. 

Past User

Hey @Past User, 

Thought I'd reciprocate the kindness you've shown me in my post. Read both of your posts now and I was taken aback by how well written and insightful they both are. They've helped me see my own problems in a different light and almost everything you said chimed with me.

Thank you for being so open with your revelations, that can't have been easy to think deeply about or write. 10 years is a long time for a pattern to become set, and the thought of breaking that pattern becomes terrifying. Yet when you finally do you often find it wasn't as bad as you had convinced yourself it would be, in your seemingly infinite time to think. For me it has been a case of very slowly challenging those mental blocks, and hoping that gives me the confidence to admit more and more, addressing the problems as I go. 

Thinking about it in third person and in metaphors is an intelligent way to rationalise your problems but avoid directly saying it, because would admitting these things so openly cause you more pain? The fact you have posted these thoughts on here is amazing, since it will allow others to challenge any sections of those thoughts that become irrational. You are allowed your comforts, and it's okay to be attatched to something that's helped you so much for such a long time. But if it ever feels like it's not enough, like it often does for me, there are people here to help and care about you.

Would love to talk some more about how the things you've said have resonated with me, it sounds like it could be a very engaging conversation. Hope you wake up feeling less of that numbness and agitation, and that you have a productive and enjoyable day.

Former Member

Hi @Spook98,

Thank you  I think there are a lot of similarities we mirror in how we feel and it would be interesting to talk more. I'm glad you think its insightful, I just think a lot of what I write is messy internal thoughts, its nice to find people who are understanding. 

I think in a strange way my sadness has become almost a comfort blanket. I do tend to think/ write in third person/ metaphors a lot, you're right, it makes it easier to disassociate my feelings. It's hard to acknowledge how I feel and even harder to accept that pain in a way? It's just a very... empty way if living. 

Past User

Its frightening how similar what you're saying is to things that I've also thought. Dissociation and numbness is an easy choice to make when the alternative is uncertainty, as you've said, it's the comfort of the known. But yet again you're right, it's an empty and unfulfilling way to live, and I for one would like more. I'm just unsure how to go about it and make the necessary changes.

On the note of my familiarity I was wondering if you had any insight. My understanding of what you called the white in your other post was lacking so I thought more on how it might apply to me. I thought about times I've tried to do new things, meet new people or even just try to socialize, only to find that despite my efforts I still feel empty and like i don't belong. Is it just not enough? Are my opinions of myself keeping me from enjoying things? Or am I just incapable of doing so?

Not looking for sympathy on your post or anything like that, those are just questions I've posed to myself and I was wondering if you have too. This is actually one of the first times I've felt comfortable writing this kind of stuff down so I thank you for that.

Besides all that, how are you recently? It would be nice to hear that you're not stuck in a section of the 3 part cycle you described. 

Former Member

I feel the same, it is the easy choice but I also feel like it's the safe choice sometimes. When I'm at my worst, its hard to even be in the moment it's as if I am fighting for survival and it's not possible to even contemplate figuring things out because I'm just trying to stay alive. On those days everything I've been trying to push down come to the surface and my body is at a stand off with itself trying to remove all feeling but also tell me I've been bottling up for too long and it cant cope? 

I understand when you say you've been trying to take steps to meet people but still end up feeling like it's not enough. The same is true for me and it ends up becoming more of a chore than living. For myself, I think its because I'm scared of letting people in, and by extension myself. I don't want people to see the 'real me' because its ugly. I don't know who I am but what I do know of myself, I don't like. Because of this I have a mask up all of the time and its exhausting. I don't know the real me and therefore neither does anyone else. Its makes it hard to have a real connection with anyone so when I do meet up with friends its more just going through the motions. Do you feel similar? 

As for the white, that's where I am now. Going through the motions but as if on autopilot. I feel like I fazed out and every now and again I "see" for short bursts of time. When you lack connection with people who know who you truly are, its lonely. I think vulnerability is what connects people but when you stop allowing yourself to be vulnerable you shut yourself off from the good as well. I find the boards help with that, offloading to people who don't know you to make you feel too uncomfortable but equally sharing the same pain and understanding to feel a connection with? Maybe this is why you also have found it more comfortable to write things down on here? 

I'm doing okay, thank you for asking. In the white not the darkness but each have their own comforts and pain I guess. 

Former Member

Hey!

Just wanted to say that I find these revelations helpful in feeling less alone, and knowing that others struggle in the same way as me  so thank you for that. The way you write is so raw and deep and its amazing!

I'm glad you are doing okay 

Butterfly x

Former Member

Hi @Past User,  I'm glad you feel less alone  reading these and thank you   its interesting because I'm actually terrible at trying to communicate things to people especially in every day life. I get tongue tied and talk too fast so finding the boards and feeling like people understand is a relief 

Former Member

Yeah it is, I hope you are okay