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VO5 Summer of Love Series: How to spot unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom

SophiASophiA Posts: 59 Boards Initiate

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This week the theme for the VO5 series involves Sex, Consent and Jealousy and in particular I want to look at unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom.

Whether you are in a long term relationship or just having a casual fling with someone, it is always important that you enjoy and feel comfortable with what happens in the bedroom. 


What do you think when you hear the term unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom?... initially I think violence.


However there are a whole range of different acts that constitute as ‘unhealthy’ and can be as damaging and uncomfortable, making your sexual experiences negative/ unpleasant. 


The article ‘How to spot unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom’ lists some of these behaviours, such as: taking photos/videos without your consent, pressuring you to have sex even after you have said no and criticising and putting you down (plus many more). 


If you believe your sexual relationship is unhealthy, it’s recommended that it doesn’t continue but these things can be hard to stop. So what advice would you give someone who’s stuck in a relationship with a person who demonstrates these behaviours?


  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    What do you think when you hear the term unhealthy behaviour in the bedroom?

    Mostly, I just think of someone violating my boundaries. For example, I expressed to one of my previous partners that I did not want to have sex without a condom but he went ahead anyway. I immediately put a stop to sex and told him how not okay that was, and actually ended the relationship over it. 

    I've always had a very clear perception of what is and isn't okay behaviour in the bedroom so it was easier for me to stop it. My advice to someone who thinks that their sexual relationship is unhealthy is, first, to talk to their partner (if it's safe to do so). It could be that they are oblivious to their behaviour and immediately correct it once they know it's causing you unhappiness. 

    On the flip side, if the relationship is abusive and sex is used as another means of coercion or control, it can be really difficult to reach out. If you don't want to talk to a professional, try speaking to a friend in confidence. Develop an action plan, have someone or somewhere to go to if you feel ready to leave the relationship. 
  • alice123alice123 Posts: 88 Budding Regular
    I completely agree with you @chubbydumpling!

    Something I would add is that not everyone knows their boundaries right away. It can often be beneficial to sit down with yourself and properly think about what you would/ would not be okay doing with a given person at a given time. This can help you establish whether behaviour in the bedroom is healthy or not as it should align with what you are happy and comfortable with. 

    I found this to be the case - as I'd never really PROPERLY thought about it, I didn't really know what I was happy with going into my first sexual experience. This left me feeling a bit frazzled so as a result I sat down with myself and considered it which lead to much happier experiences following it!

    Of course, if you discover that your boundaries are being broken, then it is important to seek support. Remember, sex should be fun for everyone - this means having full consent, communication and respect from all parties involved <3
  • coc0maccoc0mac Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    I think of so many things when you say unhealthy behaviour, but overall its a lack of respect. Both people need to have their wishes respected ALWAYS. And no one should feel pressured to do anything they don't want to do. If they do, that's what I see as unhealthy. 

    In terms of advice, @chubbydumpling couldn't have put it better themselves. Completely agree! 
  • Han93Han93 Posts: 309 The Mix Regular

    I think all your points are great - don't be afraid to say no if you're not comfortable!

    If your partner reacts to you saying no badly then he really doesn't deserve you <3

  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,289 Skive's The Limit
    edited July 2019
    So what advice would you give someone who’s stuck in a relationship with a person who demonstrates these behaviours?

    I would remind them of their worth and how they deserve a relationships that makes them feel comfortable and loved. Not uncomfortable. And to let them realise things that are uncomfortable for them

    And would listen to them about how they feel about the relationship while asking them questioning to help them think for themselves without trying to tell them what to but give my perspective in hope that they can make their own chioce and how to go about it - that feels best for them. Giving suggestions on what to do rather then telling them what to do, cause that could just make them more defensive about the relationship and not feel heard. Cause I just Think any with any situation is best to help them to make their choice and have control but still have other perspective and can still suggestions/advice & think how go about it is important rather than saying "leave that relationship" they may feel controlled already let alone someone else trying to tell them what to do.
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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