VO5 Summer of Love Series: Cheating in relationships?

coc0mac

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Hello!

I hope you are all enjoying our “Summer of Love” series in partnership with VO5. There have been some really excellent discussions so far and I am really looking forward for what’s to come! This weeks theme is “Relationships and Sex & Consent”. Relationships can be really positive and exciting things but it’s also important to talk about some of the hurdles that may come up - for example, cheating. 

There are lots of reasons people may cheat in a relationship; however if you find yourself cheating on your partner, it is always really important to sit and reflect on how you really feel about this relationship. This thought provoking article "I've cheated on them" shares some really useful advice around some of the reasons you may have cheated, and also what to do next. It can feel difficult knowing what to do in this situation - but it doesn’t always have to be negative and you never have to go through it alone. 

In my opinion, communication and honesty is key to any relationship. But I would love to know what you think: what advice would you give to anybody dealing with cheating in their relationship? 

SophiA

Hey @coc0mac love this thread!

i would definitely have to agree with you, on the communication and honesty, these are key especially when discussing cheating.
I feel like when you tell your partner about the cheating its always best to tell the whole truth right at the start because the truth always comes out and you could end up hurting them even more if they hear things from someone else or you end up telling them a couple months down the line, becayse then they would feel lied too as well. 

I think its also important to remember that yes you have done a bad thing but you’re only human and people make mistakes. And you should take you time to question why did that as there is usually a reason, eg feeling neglected by your partner or you have simply fallen out of love, in which case its time to have a discussion about the relationship with your partner. 

coc0mac

Hi @SophiA, 
Thank you so much! I completely agree that the whole truth is so so important. I agree it could definitely hurt them even more if you didn't - and also I feel like it takes courage so it might be that your partner respects you for that. 

And yes, that is so so true as well! Cheating may have hurt them, but it's likely something is hurting you as well. A really good time to sit and think and have a big discussion

Really great points, thank you so much for sharing!

chubbydumpling

Great thread @coc0mac

This is a really difficult subject for me to talk about because I have a lot of baggage when it comes to cheating. Last year, I ended a 3 year relationship after I found out that my partner cheated on me. I was going through a really difficult time and was just diagnosed with severe mental health problems.

He went to some pretty ridiculous lengths to keep the truth from me, including gaslighting me. For those who aren't familiar with the term, gaslighting is the act of manipulating a person, psychologically, into doubting their own sanity. Since I was vulnerable mentally already, this was considerably easier for him to do. 

This was very different from the standard cheating scenario; he kept up his lies for months and months and my mental state deteriorated to a point where I attempted suicide. I don't say any of this to demonize him or even people who cheat but rather to draw attention to the damage communicating poorly or attempting to manipulate the situation to your advantage can have. 

My advice for people who have cheated on their partner is simple: tell them as soon as it happens. Kneejerk reaction or not, your partner deserves to have that information. They deserve to decide if the relationship is salvageable. Keeping it from them or, even worse, trying to cover it up, is, in a word, selfish. Tell them and air it out. They might be very forgiving, they may end the relationship on the spot. But a relationship involves two people and when one of them breaks trust, the other needs to know. 

JustV

SophiA said:

I think its also important to remember that yes you have done a bad thing but you’re only human and people make mistakes. And you should take you time to question why did that as there is usually a reason, eg feeling neglected by your partner or you have simply fallen out of love, in which case its time to have a discussion about the relationship with your partner. 

This is a really interesting point from @SophiA. Cheating tends to be a symptom of a wider relationship problem rather than something inherently malicious or selfish. In that respect, when thinking about these situations as an outsider, I tend not to be very hard on or critical of the person who cheated because, usually, that's come from a bigger problem.

Issue is, when it's you and when you're in that situation, it is personal and it hurts. And as @chubbydumpling touched on, the damage it can do to someone to be lied to and manipulated in that way can be severe and last a very long time. So I guess it's one thing to have that principle and another to actually live it and not feel a lot more strongly about what's happened.

Circling back to the main question... agree with what's already been said about communication: tell someone early. This could be a good general life rule - if you know you're going to upset someone or make them mad, do it quickly and then you can focus on how to move forward.

I would also say, if you're getting the urge to cheat, stop and think about why that is. Have you lost interest in your partner? Is there something special about this person, or is it just a way to escape your current relationship which might have problems? Is monogamy even for you?

Talk about it. Communication. Honesty. All that good stuff.

coc0mac

Thank you so much for your open and honest contribution @chubbydumpling. You shared some really great advice to really highlight the importance of just being honest with your partner, straight away. Sending you lots of hugs for what you have been through - you sound so strong

And @Mike, I absolutely love your reply - such a great round up of the advice! I completely agree about questioning any urges to cheat. Sometimes the reason isn't clear straight away - so stopping to think can really help both you and your partner in the long run