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Should I end the relationship for the sake of others?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1 Just got here
in Sex & Relationships
Hi so me and boyfriend got together about a week ago, no one is accepting of our relationship in particular my mother who's very protective and has to know everything. I'm 20 years old (female), I live away from home, I have my own flat, I have two jobs I pay my bills etc. I have my own life essentially, but she just constantly needs to know everything that's going on. Asks about anything and everything she sees on social media etc. My boyfriend is 18 and he lives in America and loads of people are joking and laughing and bullying me over our relationship. We met over Xbox live nearly a year ago and we instantly clicked, then started video chatting etc. And we developed feelings for each other, we both did. He asked me out last week and I told him how I felt and then we decided to be in a relationship. Now it's difficult as it's long distance but we just love each others company and humour personality etc. But no one approves and things it's an abuse thing and it's wrong for me and him to be together. Should I end it for the sake of it and for the benefit of other people? My mother has been asking questions about him ever since she found out, asking what he looks like, where he lives etc.ringing me all the time. It's none of her business quite frankly but she just doesn't give up. I get she's protective but at the end of the day I'm old enough to make my own choices. 
Any help would be much appreciated
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  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User,

    It sounds like you recognise that your mother is asking questions because she is protective, but you know that you are independent enough that you feel this is overstepping.

    Ultimately, what you do about this relationship is up to you.  Although, it might be helpful to consider why people are asking questions or saying it is wrong. When your mum asks you questions, is she doing it out of spite? Or is she more likely doing it because she cares?

    If it's the second option, it could be worth having a talk with her, taking the time to explain your thoughts and feelings might help her understand why you want this relationship. When people don't approve, it could help to find out why and their reasoning behind their disapproval, figure out why your mum is concerned. This will help you understand where they are coming from, and if what they are saying actually makes sense if you look at it from their perspective.

    Hope this is of some help, let us know how it goes :)
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,054 Wise Owl
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User

    I really understand where you are coming from with this. You seem like a really independent person so just as @Jordan mentioned, it may feel like your mother is overstepping. 

    This situation actually really reminded me of my brother - he is 22 and lives in the UK, and he is in a relationship with somebody who lives in the US who he also met online. Our mum reacted in a similar way to yours, and honestly his best way through this was to communicate as much as possible. 

    Relationships can make the people who care about us feel all sorts of ways - and just as you recognised, this is usually a protective reaction. It may be that due to restrictions in introducing your boyfriend to your mother, she might need just that little bit more reassurance. Having a little chat could be a really good way to reassure her and to let her know the ways she could best support you; but also for you to understand her concerns and to make sure you are feeling comfortable too. How would you feel about this?

    I also wanted to say that nobody has the right to bully you because of your relationship. You deserve to feel happy and supported - so if you would ever like to talk a little bit more about this then we will always be here for you.

    Take good care! :heart:
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 87 Budding Regular
    Sorry to hear the problem you faced with :/ 

                     Totally agree with others that your relationship is only your business. Can imagine how difficult it can be when everybody is against, so seems like the only thing that is possible for you to do is to discuss it with anyone as less as possible...
                   I know that it's difficult cause when you are in love you want to share your feelings with everybody, but seems like in your situation it's better to keep it inside. All the people around you have different reasons to be against and to bully you (like your mom is overprotective, friends can be just jealous or smth else) but it has nothing to do with your feelings to this guy if you truly enjoy the thing between you two. So why are you thinking about breaking up for the sake of others?
                    That's only your life and your choice if you were your mom or your friends you'd behave differently but you are who you are and you know what you want and it's perfect!

                     Take care, I hope you feel better about this situation very soon ;)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User

    It can be difficult to balance your love for your family with your relationship - they both obviously want the best for you but it sounds as though your mother in particular is really putting pressure on you to go against your own judgement. I totally understand where you're coming from in being annoyed. You're right that you're old enough to make your own decisions. Your mother has minimal to no say in how you conduct yourself at your age. 

    I think @coc0mac gave some really valuable insight into why she might be acting this way. But I also just wanted to zero in on something that got a little lost in your post. 

    But no one approves and things it's an abuse thing and it's wrong for me and him to be together. 

    Has anyone given any justification for this? Accusations of abuse are serious, and I just wondered if they had any reason to think this way. 

    It sounds to me that you're confident and independent, and certainly capable of knowing what you want. You absolutely deserve to feel happy and supported by your family. I'd encourage you to sit down with them and give them a chance to articulate their concerns. If you do it all together then this will give you a chance to address everyone just the once and hopefully put it behind you. 

    Take care <3
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Heyy,

    i dont have much to add from what others have already said cause agree with everyone. 

    Sounds like a really frustating situation. 
    Its good youre aware of the reasons behind it (overprotective) but it still not right for anyone to bully you over the relationship and like others have said about maybe have conversation about her point of view - it may also be helpful in telling her how its made you feel. And may not even realise? She sounds like she cares. 

    You seem like you have thought about it and you have control over your relationship and to do whatever to make you feel comfortable and happy. So im you will make choice that you feel you want

    all the best
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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