Too long in the closet

Former Member

Hi, 

So I first realised I was bi when I was 14, when the number of 'girl crushes' I had on people on TV and in my year group were gradually increasing to the point where I wasn't sure 'girl crush' really encompassed my feelings anymore. I came out to my (gay male) best friend, and spent the rest of school making 'ha ha yes girls are cute' comments that vaguely hinted at my bisexuality in a way that meant I didn't really have to confront it. 

Anyway, fast forward ten years and I'm still mostly in the closet. More importantly, I've actually never kissed (or done anything more with) a girl, so from some of the friends I do tell, I get the classic 'sure but...you're probably not really right?' response. I've also never told anyone in my family. So now I'm stuck in this limbo stage where I'm still making casual comments about 'liking girls' but have no idea how to actually be with a girl or even work out if someone of the same gender is interested! I also feel like I shouldn't 'have' to come out, but I'm feeling so low and repressing my sexuality so much that I need to do something. 

Any advice welcome! Ie how can I ever meet a girl who might want to kiss me?! How/should I tell my parents?? How do I stop my 'friends' making casually homophobic comments about how being gay is fine but they don't want to see it on EastEnders (yes, this actually happened, and I'm still hurt and haven't said anything because I'm cursed with being quiet and trying not to make any trouble...). 
Thanks
xxx

Former Member

Hey @Past User

As an gay male who had been questioning for 6 years, and only since April 2018 and August 2018 when I came out to my friends and close family,

You mentioned that you haven't came out to your family, is anyone in your family homophobic? It's kind of like playing cards, you don't reveal your hand unless your confidence that your be better off (ok that's an bad example 🤣🤣)

You mentioned as well you sayed about wanting am relationship, just so I get an idea on how to ask this, how old are you? I go to an lgbtq+ group in Oxford called topaz, and that's how I made friends in the community and its turned out to an male asking me out with was an surprised me, 

You mentioned that your friends are making homophobic comments, to me thoughts people won't be friends to me,

If you would like to talk this through more or have any questions, just reply to this thread or dm me, I'm always on my phone, 

Stay safe 
davcr0ck 

Former Member

Hi @Confusedandlost95

Well done for posting here! I know it's a big step to even share these things you've kept inside anonymously, so I commend your bravery. I also realised that I was bisexual at around the same age as you. I've been out to everyone I know since then, with the exception of my dad. It sounds as though you never really had a chance to come to terms with it, and instead just pushed on. It's totally understandable that you'd be wary of identifying as bi, especially given the insidious nature of biphobia - both internalized and from other people.

It can be really hard to figure out your identity when you have people telling you your identity isn't valid, or that you're attention seeking etc. I've experienced a lot of biphobia from people I called my friends, and even my family. A lot of the time, they don't realise that they're even being biphobic because the stereotypes about us are so pervasive in society, even amongst allies and the LGBTQ+ community. 

I promise you, if you identify as bisexual, you are 110% valid. You mention never having had an intimate relationship with a member of the same gender and how that makes your friends question your orientation. I'm sorry that they're being so ignorant and making you question yourself further. There's a lot to unpack there but I think you're absolutely right about not having to come out if you don't want to. 

As a bisexual woman who uses dating apps, I'd say enter at your own caution if that's something you want to pursue. Otherwise, @Past User's suggestion about LGBTQ+ community groups is a great idea! Getting to know other people with similar experiences might help you come to terms with everything and answer any lingering questions. Depending on your area, there are a wide variety of meetups, workshops, LGBTQ+ friendly bars and clubs that you can try. Immerse yourself in the culture and focus on building meaningful connections with people. 

As for your parents, you know best. Are they likely to be accepting of you? Will you be safe if you tell them? 

I'd say the only way to stop your friends from making homophobic comments is to confront them directly. Lay out all the ways it makes you uncomfortable. Educate them if necessary. After that, it's up to them to not be so ridiculous. If they continue, they weren't worth having as friends in the first place. 

Please feel free to come back with any questions, no matter how silly you think they are. There are a lot of people here who would be happy to give advice and talk things through with you.

Good luck

Former Member

hi,
as someone who is in a similar situation, i find that online communities like this one can make it more bearable if you're not feeling safe enough to be out.
and as for dating, you're still valid if you haven't done anything romantic with the same sex, that doesn't negate your identity. what matters is your internal feelings on how you identify.