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Should i let go
tkdog
Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
Ok this is just another rant from me lol xP
I forgot about it for a while. But from time to time I remember about a friend i kinda just let go of just like that, because one day they dropped out of uni without saying. After that i never messaged them and i graduated but i didnt ever like try to contact them at all. And i was busy with end of year stuff too which didnt help. There are some people of the past that i regret i didnt talk to properly however most of that doesnt really bother me so much only in small doses cos i either messaged or in one case bumped into someone. This though, isnt bothersome until i remember how much i felt like something good if u know what i mean.
It makes me feel real sad, i dunno if guilt or just loneliness but i kinda miss them.
I wanna put it to rest but i dunno how. I dont really have any real way of contact my last point of contact was fb which i deleted long ago and even then i was too anxious to message anyway. I always felt like i dunno like they didnt really actually care? Except when i judge logically think they did care compared to some "friends" of mine. Also there were some things that i didnt quite like have "in common" or agree with or whatever but i guess that is normal.
Also i wasnt like their closest friend and we were like only recently getting close. They had anxiety issues themselves that made me even more anxious. But i still kinda just miss them.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Also note so its complicated lol i actually had somewhat of a crush on this person not that i wanted relationship or anything at the time i was already in one and so where they (i doubt they would be interested to begin with though they were interested as friends ofc), nor do i have those feelings anymore, it wasnt very serious to begin with.
Yeah there is probably nothing i can do but it's on my mind so i wanted to write stuff and idk really, tbh its better for me to move on or maybe im just reminsing. Not sure that i have a lot of happy memories though since i also went through a lot of bad stuff at the time. Maybe also scared that i will keep screwing up with people, and i feel embarassed that ive hardly been able to keep many friends in my life(i always let go of the people that mean the most to me), while others have loads.
I forgot about it for a while. But from time to time I remember about a friend i kinda just let go of just like that, because one day they dropped out of uni without saying. After that i never messaged them and i graduated but i didnt ever like try to contact them at all. And i was busy with end of year stuff too which didnt help. There are some people of the past that i regret i didnt talk to properly however most of that doesnt really bother me so much only in small doses cos i either messaged or in one case bumped into someone. This though, isnt bothersome until i remember how much i felt like something good if u know what i mean.
It makes me feel real sad, i dunno if guilt or just loneliness but i kinda miss them.
I wanna put it to rest but i dunno how. I dont really have any real way of contact my last point of contact was fb which i deleted long ago and even then i was too anxious to message anyway. I always felt like i dunno like they didnt really actually care? Except when i judge logically think they did care compared to some "friends" of mine. Also there were some things that i didnt quite like have "in common" or agree with or whatever but i guess that is normal.
Also i wasnt like their closest friend and we were like only recently getting close. They had anxiety issues themselves that made me even more anxious. But i still kinda just miss them.
Is it normal to feel this way?
Also note so its complicated lol i actually had somewhat of a crush on this person not that i wanted relationship or anything at the time i was already in one and so where they (i doubt they would be interested to begin with though they were interested as friends ofc), nor do i have those feelings anymore, it wasnt very serious to begin with.
Yeah there is probably nothing i can do but it's on my mind so i wanted to write stuff and idk really, tbh its better for me to move on or maybe im just reminsing. Not sure that i have a lot of happy memories though since i also went through a lot of bad stuff at the time. Maybe also scared that i will keep screwing up with people, and i feel embarassed that ive hardly been able to keep many friends in my life(i always let go of the people that mean the most to me), while others have loads.
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You did really well putting into words how you are feeling so I just wanted to say well done for that - as I know from personal experience this can be quite a confusing time
The way I have dealt with this in my experience is by letting myself think about old memories but also focusing most of my time in the "now". What I mean by this is it's good to think back to your friendship, but also focus on finding ways to bring this good feeling into your life again. Perhaps that will be by rekindling this friendship or by meeting new people that can also be a friendship like this.
I understand you felt anxious when you tried messaging before and have deleted facebook, but perhaps you could have a think about whether you would rather rebuild this friendship, or build new friendships, and then we could support you with either of those. How does that sound?
You also mentioned you just wanted to put this into words so I am just wondering how you are feeling now that you have spoken about it? Speaking about our problems can be a really good way to help us make sense of how we are feeling, so you did the right thing. However you feel and however you choose to cope with it is absolutely normal - there is no wrong or right way, it is whatever helps you the most
Take good care! x
Thank you so much for sharing this with us!
I think it's really important to remember that it's natural for people to drift away from each other so you shouldn't feel guilty about this.
I do think if you're thinking of them it could be useful to get in touch with them - it's always going to be a bit awkward but you have nothing to lose and perhaps could rekindle your friendship.
If you can figure out a way to get in touch with them, there are some handy tips here: https://www.bustle.com/p/7-ways-to-reconnect-with-a-friend-you-lost-touch-with-8869188
It's nice that you wrote it's always good to share your thoughts especially if you have some worries about it.
Whatever you feel is normal. We are all so different and we experience so much things in our life that we have absolutely incredible range of feelings and emotions and all them have the right to exist and it's okay.
I can imagine what you feel, from time to time I also think of some people who I used to be close with but then due to some reasons we stopped to communicate and lost each other. But it feels like not closed issue sometimes ...like you need to do smth else to dot the "I"s.
As for me I write all my thoughts down. I attach a link where you can read why it's a good thing to do and you'll understand that it's really widespread and very useful practice. To tell it short, you write down all you thoughts that comes to you. When you keep it inside it stays with you and disturb you but if you put it on peace of paper you kind of get rid of this bothering issue. So what if to write what you'd like probably to tell people you used to communicate to, or write your feelings to them and to situation in general.
Hope I could be a bit helpful!
Have a nice day
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/how-writing-things-down-can-change-your-life.html
I did eventually send however a message on facebook using a mostly empty account on fb however i didnt add the person as a friend so its probs just a message request and unlikely they saw it. I waited for a while now so im supposing it wont work like that.
I guess I should add but im too anxious that they wouldnt like that or that they saw the message and ignored or if i add them and they ignore me after. (As well as the fact i dont really want to add friends to a mostly empty account lol) Sometimes ive send messages to ppl in the past and they r like meh, though suppose of we are friends it would be ok.
Wouldnt be so anxious if i didnt feel like the last time we talked was awkward then again there is nothing exactly I did that warrants a apology hmm. I'm not sure really that i would want to rebuild this friendship as such (unless other person wanted to), but idk id like to say friendly hi if i could because its been a long time and im not sure what happened with them.
Thats about it really, ive lost contact with almost everyone from a while back there are some people i do miss but id think they are the only person worth contacting (other than another im already in contact with). Other people were nice but i either gone off with them (disagreements) or we werent good enough friends to begin with.
I personally think the beauty of social media is that you can articulate your feelings to people who you may never see again, via messages. If you think about it, what's the worst thing that could happen if you were to add them and they ignored? Would you be in a worse position than you are now or not? I understand it can be nerve-wracking putting yourself out there but it could really improve how you're feeling if they reply and assure you that all is ok.
Something else which may help is reminding yourself (perhaps by writing down) all the reasons as to why you aren't friends with certain people anymore. This may help you feel less anxious about losing touch with people who you used to be friends with.
I hope this helps!
I read what you said and sent a friend request but it really makes me feel quite anxious. Though i'd probably delete this FB account eventually so whether I get a reply or not it doesn't make me look bad or anything, for me its more damage to my own pride and looking like a fool by messaging that im worried about or them feeling bad. Or if they expect me to stay on FB since my account is like temporary (theoretically).
I guess it also doesn't help that when I see FB pictures they always look like overdone and that it sorta puts me off.
Yeah otherwise i've been thinking about those I have lost contact with generally and yeah it's not really worth me chasing after most of them. Though I may put more effort into keeping in touch with the people I can.
There is a chance they dont check fb anymore however that is surprising given they told me in the past how important social media was to them. The last thing they posted publically (profile pic) was in january but that doesnt seem that long ago in relative terms and otherwise u would think they be active so not sure really. Otherwise my account also looks a little dodgy since no other friends on it lol but yeah its a browsing account im surprised not hear anything. Just for fyi they have mental health issues so it could be that.
If i recieved a message from someone in the past depending in on who it waa my feelings would vary. Though I might be suspicious they had a crush on me. Id probably not be pissed tho maybe happy or curious why. Unless it was someone i didnt really like then id just feel awkward.
The reason I was upset with a friend is they keep promising to hang out only to fail to do so or get back to me, they kinda leave me waiting.
I haven't followed up yet but I wanted to actually give them a chance to come back to me, this seems unlikely and id probably have to chase them up unless I wait for a long while. But I got to the point of feeling shit about it and crying about it so I thought to delete whatsapp but in that short moment i forgot how annoying whatsapp is to deal with in terms of back ups and that. idk if the data is still on there so i will check my phone for any files.
I feel bad because of all the emotional energy and effort I put into to this friendship and its not like i dont get anything back, just feel like forever waiting, its been over half a year since I was originally promised to hang out. I find it hard to understand why its happening, i know i could chase up more but it doesnt make sense and yeah i cant believe they are that busy even tho busy person. The last time they decided to cancel last minute hanging out so it didnt really set things up great. Then were away for a while, they are meant to tell me when back or maybe they expect me to message them, im sure they are according to plans and it seems all really strange. I could probably say hi but u know I don't feel emotionally right about it and i feel they will be guilty or something.
Friendships which feel one-sided can be really frustrating.
This article from The Mix discusses this happening and how you can deal with it.
https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/friendship/why-wont-my-friends-ever-text-or-call-me-first-4178.html
I would also recommend asking them if they're okay. You could check this in the context of saying that you have noticed they haven't wanted to meet recently and you were wondering if there was anything wrong or it they have just been busy etc. This would be a way of checking in with them whilst letting them know that you've noticed that they haven't been very present in the friendship. They may be struggling at the moment and acting that way with all their friends so it may not be personal.
If you feel comfortable to discuss it with them, I would think this would be the best thing to do.
I got panic attack type feelings from it though before looking I wish that didn't happen so much.... (the only way i was able to even look at the message was by talking to lots of other ppl beforehand i.e. in a public group chat, kinda ironic) but its a relief to get something back finally, although i was ready to forget about it.
On the second thing I did pull up some confidence to message that person. Didnt arrange a specific date but they will message me again to conform something or so they said. I guess if they dont i will just message them directly. I did try to check up on them and stuff.
I'm not too great with dealing with people who because I don't quite know what their intentions are and especially if they like let me down. Plus i always assume the worst. Im probably not the best at friendships either though at least arranging things. But for me I guess its kinda like they promise you something but the way I have to chase them up or they say oh actually i cant do that anymore at the last minute confuses me. Or I sometimes feel like it was my fault or something for saying something wrong or even not following up. But I think I'm beginning to understand why and feel a little better about it, just a friendship with a lot of tension to begin with.
I'm really pleased to hear that you have got a reply and that you feel happier now. It's natural to experience feeling anxious when you are putting yourself out there like you did - that was brave and you should feel proud of yourself.
Again, it is super admirable that you plucked up the courage to send that message! I think that you should have more faith in yourself because you have dealt with this situation really well and we all feel doubtful of ourselves sometimes, but just because we have these thoughts doesn't mean that they are facts.
This is an example that you can manage situations surrounding friendships.
Well done
I'm still having problems with the person who was supposed to get back to me cos they didn't (tbh I knew it would happen lol and I thought about saying wait how about I message you as a reminder instead of you but I felt to anxious to do it ha).
However I won't since I don't want to mess around with that as I rather hang out with someone else soon, and I expect them to eventually message. I only have so much time then I go away so it doesn't really make sense me chasing them up, as long as they aren't upset that is.
So I even asked for advice on the focus of topic I got what felt like bad or lacking advice i felt that the responsibility was shifted towards me in the advice. When i feel it is mostly them (the friend who i mentioned in this thread also) who is been acting this way to me.
I have gotten some point on moving on and accepting it. Even though i still drift sometimes into this.
I did yeah cry a lot about it again yeah but i couldnt help it. But i at least tried talking to other people. I have some others who are sort of my friends now or well colleagues but its good enough for me atm. Although i got myself into another bad situation (i made a thread on that too).
Well i do kinda wanna like keep them as acquaintance if i can. And i hold on to the good memories.
Today I realised something fishy is sure going on as she is very happy to ask in chat to meet with my friends group. Unless she finds that more priority than me. I could and can go to that too ofc but something feels off about all of that. But i would go i think.
So she cant be so incredibly busy that she cant ask me to hang out with her. I think there is something wrong but idk what. I dont think she doesnt like me. Idk if she is shy. Because she did promise to meet me and even give me a specific time on a certain week she was just overloaded with coursework. But after that havent been able to get hold of her and ive been super busy. She isn't even bothering to chat with me. I did message maybe just under a month ago about hanging out and maybe she either thinks thats okay or she doesnt message cos she doesnt wanna hang out. Either way its all very strange and i dont like it. I dont want to be involved in such a thing if its gonna be like this. It feels disgusting tbh. I wont get closure or friendship or anything its just doesnt make sense what is happening and i kinda want answers. I am trying to find better things to do in my life and honestly think this is all stupid now even though there was a lot i wanted to say and do and i liked. But when its like this weird feeling between two people and it gets kinda passive and avoidant perhaps? Its not healthy. If she doesnt wanna hang out she could say or hint maybe say she is busy but she doesnt she just gives a confusing answer each time.
I also read about people who dont give u enough emotional attention and that feels for me too. And our conversations feel fake and withdrawn. Its like something is being avoided in the process. Not that we really have any conversations anymore. Anyway gonna move on. Mostly ranting but feel free to give advice if any. I felt i needed to write my thoughts down here and maybe just give a update on the situation. I dont wanna let go completely but it really doesnt seem well.
I was told to be positive as u dunno what happens in the future but it seems she has not plan to ask me or talk to me in the future. I feel like something confined to the back.
(Also sorry for the bad spelling and grammar it kinda annoys me lol, this is sort of flow writing. Plus i think spellcheck keeps correcting incorrectly)