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The monsters in my head TW
NatalieMT
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
The lady I saw today wanted me to open up about ‘my sexual experiences’ she referred to them as, she already knew about my past, about times/places, it’s all out there from telling the Police.
I instantly felt shame and dirty by her reference. With it angry, because her reference to it meant she couldn’t say the words to me herself of what it was. I asked her why, she says that she didn’t want her words to impact me in a negative way, but instead wanted me to say the words to her of what ‘it’ was.
I began describing a bad experience, editing she wanted me to say the actual words, I struggled because of what I felt internally by saying the words, I didn’t want to feel unsafe or vulnerable. I spoke in third party and spoke the words, I felt myself shake internally, feel an overwhelming confusion, my heart began to race and my mind took me right back to the time and place where it was happening. Just kept hearing ‘you are safe now it isn’t happening’ whilst I spoke of the things that he was doing to me, of how old I was, helpless and ashamed I felt.
Every flashback is a scar that is in my head, it’s a secret that I keep, because I am dirty, anything to do with every ‘sexual experience’ is dirty.
I left disorientated, I don’t remember the journey home at all. I can’t be vulnerable. That is why the monsters will always just be in my head.
Sorry 😢
I instantly felt shame and dirty by her reference. With it angry, because her reference to it meant she couldn’t say the words to me herself of what it was. I asked her why, she says that she didn’t want her words to impact me in a negative way, but instead wanted me to say the words to her of what ‘it’ was.
I began describing a bad experience, editing she wanted me to say the actual words, I struggled because of what I felt internally by saying the words, I didn’t want to feel unsafe or vulnerable. I spoke in third party and spoke the words, I felt myself shake internally, feel an overwhelming confusion, my heart began to race and my mind took me right back to the time and place where it was happening. Just kept hearing ‘you are safe now it isn’t happening’ whilst I spoke of the things that he was doing to me, of how old I was, helpless and ashamed I felt.
Every flashback is a scar that is in my head, it’s a secret that I keep, because I am dirty, anything to do with every ‘sexual experience’ is dirty.
I left disorientated, I don’t remember the journey home at all. I can’t be vulnerable. That is why the monsters will always just be in my head.
Sorry 😢
4
Comments
i just wanted to say that I completely understand why you felt invalidated by her referring to your trauma as sexual experience which makes it sound consensual when it’s not. It sounds like she wasn’t meaning it to come across that way intentionally so maybe you could talk to her about how it made you feel? If you can suggest what would be more helpful then maybe she can adjust her approach when working with you.
you are so brave to talk about what you have been through - I know how hard it is to open up about these things. I have experienced the same dirty feelings that you describe and it’s hard to cope with. Remember though you are a survivor and you did nothing wrong. He is disgusting for what he has done to you and it’s not your fault you deserve to be safe and cared for.
Just wanted to say youre a lovely person and I really hope things improve for you because you don’t deserve to feel this bad. Sending you hugs
xxx
Just wanted to send you some hugs,
" So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
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I'm always here, take care! x