Failure...

Former Member

I’m so tired of fighting off my own daemons.
I don’t know how I reached this dark place, how it became so dark,
I don’t know how to get myself out from it. I have no solution or answers. 
I'll wake up tomorrow, fight and contain my tears, paint a smile on for my daughter, sing to her all the way to nursery, while the whole time I'm incredibly sad inside.
I’ll punish myself with ‘things’, I’ve booked us the trip if our dreams, the place I’d dreamed of going as a little girl, to fill my little girls imagination with princesses m, fun and light, all of the things which got destroyed of me.
My little girl wants this bed, for Christmas I’ve said, but it’s so hard, reality I set out to protect her, I have my own mortgage, she’ll have a beautiful home, she’s also protected financially if things happen (I don’t mean it will I wouldn’t be posting here if it was), I want her to have everything but she doesn’t I’m her everything and I’m broken. 
Thats not good enough, she’ll have everything she wants because I love her unconditionally and completely. 
I’m fighting, but when is it going to stop being a fight? 
Working, studying trying to be the best ‘me’, activities and fun with little one, I hold it together because of her smile and excitement for her mummy to join in with her.
Reality is I’m losing more hope with each day I fight that it’ll ever get better.
It’s souls destroying feeling this unhappy/unsure when I’m the luckiest/richest person to have someone love me so much.
i can only hold on to this right now, she keeps me here.

Former Member

Hey @NatalieMT

It sounds like you really go out your way to make sure your daughter has a good life, and that you are really trying for her. I can see that you are concerned you aren't making progress and you are worried you are losing hope. Is there anything in particular that makes you feel this way?

 

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

One of the hardest things is fighting through these things alone. It's incredibly hard to keep going when you've lost all the support that was helping you through everything. Every time I read your posts I always think about how strong you are to be going through all of this. You're an amazing mum and your daughter is really lucky to have someone like you in her life. I know it's feeling really challenging right now, but keep holding onto that little bit of hope that things will get better. It may take a while, but you can fight through this Natalie. I really believe in you  

I remember you talked about having an assessment with Rape Crisis before. How are things going with them? 

I don’t know how I reached this dark place, how it became so dark,
I don’t know how to get myself out from it. I have no solution or answers. 

You mentioned you're not sure how you can get yourself out of this dark place that you're in. Have you ever felt like this before? I'm just wondering if it might help to think that you've found a way through this dark place before and you can fight through it again.

Former Member

Hi Aife 

I rarely feel present no matter where I am. I have had 3 sessions with rape crisis so far, one yesterday because I rang them Sunday in my own despair and the same lady I’ve been seeing saw me. 

She thinks my bipolar is keeping me going backwards, the way my moods shift. She explained about chemical imbalance, we’ve spoken about Court, I am actually experiencing trauma from the whole ordeal.  Spike about how I’m stuck, she’s spoken with my Doctor whose agreed anti depressants won’t help... but I’m on diazepam to help with sleep. 

I’ve not been honest with the lady I've been seeing from rape crisis of how bad things are really because I feel like there’s an expectation for everything to be ok now. Also because I don’t feel safe telling her. It isn’t a safe space. I can’t wipe the slate clean when I feel this abnormal.

The last time I felt this dark, I can’t compare the difference because it’s so different then I was completely out of control, now I’m in control but losing myself and the hope that goes with it.

It does feel like everything around me is moving really fast and I’m stuck or lost in time.

Thanks for taking the time 

Natalie 💖

Former Member

Hey @NatalieMT

I’m sending you lots of support and love your way, I know that you can find the strength to keep going. Have you anyone who you can open up too? X