Dad forgot my birthday

Former Member

So this is my first post on the boards beside my intro message. 
Long story short I'm very new here and joined from childline. My parents have been divorced since I was a baby but my dad's had occasional contact (usually birthday and Christmas). Last Christmas he came round for about half an hour, the year before that we had arranged plans but he "forgot and made new arrangements", the year before that he showed up maybe an hour late and stayed for about half an hour again. 

Every contact with him is awkward. He got remarried and failed to tell me. He had another kid and I found out literally days before she was born. 

I've always been forgiving and giving him chances but this time I'm not sure what to do. Received absolutely no contact until 9pm on my birthday. Message more or less said "no excuses, I forgot about your birthday". Um okay then. 

I haven't replied to the message and my birthday was yesterday. I've taken some time to try and cool off from it but it hurts and I'm not sure whether I should cut contact, reply or what. Suggestions or just some support would be much appreciated  

Thanks guys, can't wait to meet you all,
Anchor

Former Member

Hey Anchor

I'm sorry to hear that he forgot your birthday. That must hurt a lot :-(

I would say that whether you cut contact or not depends on what you think. Is your relationship with him making you miserable? Do you think it's too forced, and it's better to just let it properly end?

It sounds like your relationship with your dad is a strained and awkward one, and that he keeps failing to include you. I can imagine that would make me feel unloved and forgotten. How does it make you feel?

I may suggest replying and telling your dad about this and how you're feeling, if you think you could do that. I think honest communication is useful, and it seems like it might help a bit if you could talk to your dad. Then you could decide what's best from there.

Sending hugs

Former Member

Hey Kathleen, 

Thank you for the reply! Whenever he's round it's always very awkward. Imagine letting a strange man into your house and being expected to tell him everything about yourself and everything that's happening in your life. That's how it feels and I guess is the best way to describe it. Not sure how else to explain it. 

Ever since he had the other child, she's come first. I have no had feelings for her at all and I think the only reason I see my dad is to get a relationship with her. 

It really does, it's almost like I don't exist. He lives maybe like an hour away so it's not like he's countries away or anything. It's not the easiest or nicest thing. 

I've still not replied and he hasn't taken time to come back and see how I am. I might just leave the message and see if he decides to reply. 

I've not told my mum yet either but our relationship is strained too. It's very complicated. 

Thank you so much for the help 💕

Former Member

Hello @Anch0r33,
           Really good that you have decided to write in here, cause for sure it's very difficult to keep these feelings inside  and to overcome it by yourself...I send you all my support and hope you will feel better soon.

              For sure you love your dad that's why your situation hurts you so much. Did you ask you mother what she thinks of it?

               Of cause it's difficult to advice smth cause I don't know the whole situation ...did you talk to him? What do you think if tell him how eager you are to be in touch with him? Don't you think that he is scared that you won't accept his new family or there can be troubles between you and that's why he keeps distance?
             
I'm sorry if my questions do not suit your situation, I'm just trying to guess what can be the reasons of such behavior...

Hope you feel better soon 

Former Member

Valerialetto, 

Thank you for your reply, I guess I just want to be accepted by him and it just doesn't feel like I am. It's like I'm not good enough, he used to see me twice and year and I'd look forward to it. Now I just dread it. So it's almost like a catch 22. I want to see him but it's awkward so I don't want to see him to avoid the awkwardness. It's really difficult because I think I just want to have a real dad which obviously I'll never have. 

I've not spoken to my mum about it, we argue a lot. She also hates my dad so she'd flip if she heard what he said. 

I've still not replied to him but my boyfriend and his family know about what he said and have been supporting me. His family is more of a family than my own blood. It's like I don't belong. 

I feel like I'm the reason my parents split up because of me, they never tell me why they did so it allows my thoughts to speculate. But at 16 months old you'd think they'd want to stay together for the kid unless the kid was the issue, if that makes sense. 

Thanks again, hope this all makes sense
Anchor

ellie2000

hi anchor
my parents devorced wen I was 7. dads can b rubbish, but if u take time to chat to him then he join in. they would hav to agree wen to c u weather 2weeks on weekends or after work. I hav skool  all week n then weekends mum one weekend, dad the next weekend repeated. dads mb hav 2 b reminded of stuff coz they wouldn't know of wen stuff is, ur leaving them to guess rather than ask them n telling them


with luvs


Ellie xx

Former Member

Hey Ellie, 

My parents divorced when I was a very young age (just after I was a year old) and I don't remember them living together. 

My dad doesn't have any custody rights but my mum told him he can visit whenever he wants. She's never backed out of that arrangement. I'll put a load of stuff hidden under here mainly so if you don't want to read it you don't have to. 

I wouldn't be able to stay with my dad, I've done it like once when I was 5 and it's never happened again. It'd be far too awkward to stay with him and to be honest I'm not looking for a full time dad, just someone who I can call a dad every so often and be like "yeah my dad got me this for my birthday" or whatever. I don't even know what I'm looking for but the day his first child was born should be a day he remembers and he's never previously forgotten. It's not a case of reminding him. If he can't remember when his child's birthday is he doesn't deserve to have kids (unless someone has a medical problem, I will stand by this). 
I personally think he didn't forget, but it was an inconvenience this year so he used forgetting as an excuse because it was easier that saying he didn't want to see me and couldn't be bothered getting a card or a present. It feels like it anyway. 
I'm past the caring stage with him now to be honest, I haven't replied to him and he hasn't sent a second message apologising or anything. It's pretty much a deadlock that I'm not willing to break. If he'd like to contact me, he's welcome to do so. Even his mum and sister who I've never met wished me a happy birthday on Facebook. 
I wish things were better with him, but it's simply not something I'm interested in fixing anymore. I've had time to calm down about it and yeah I'm happy to not have contact with him. It's his loss, not mine. He loses a child, I don't lose a dad if he was never a dad in the first place. 

Thank you so much though for the response and honestly you don't even need to read all that, I guess it's just me being able to get it out there. 

⚓

Former Member

Well this is a good time to use this thread. I almost forgot about it tbh.

Today is my dad's birthday. I've got more of a relationship with his side of the family, but not so much him. He talks to me and stuff very occasionally but not often at all.

He forgot about my birthday when I'd written this post, and now I'm feeling pretty hateful about his.

He was sure to remind me that his birthday was soon - but I don't care. I don't want to wish him a happy birthday and I don't really want to talk to him.

He'll probably think I hate him - tbh idk how I feel about him.

I gave a birthday card to his dad (my grandpa) so it feels a bit rude that I haven't given him anything.

I've never actually called him dad though. It's so awkward. He's not my dad - biologically he is, but he's never been there for me in ways dad's should be.

Neither have his parents though and I'm working on calling them grandma and grandpa. It's difficult because they chose not to see me too. So why am I choosing them over him?

It's so frustrating. I just want two normal parents but I get none lol. I even feel guilty about complaining about this - I know lots of people who have lost their parents at young ages and would do anything for them to be alive - but I guess that doesn't mean I can't have valid feelings towards both of mine.

I mean how hard is it to actually care for your kid, feed them and keep them safe?

Former Member

Hi @Anch0r33,

This sounds tough. So I firstly wanted to send so much love and support your way

You're so right. It's a parents duty to care for their child, feed them, keep them safe and to make them feel loved. You deserve it so much and I'm so sorry that you have experienced something other than this. Huge hugs

Your feelings are so valid. And I'm glad you decided to write about it. You deserve to have an outlet to talk about this, so it's not all on your shoulders.

How the day go for you in the end?