Vent about marriage

Former Member

Hi,

This is my first post. I joined due to an ongoing problem with my marriage. I suppose I’m not looking for advice, just a place to vent my anger, frustration and sadness.

About 6 months ago, my husband was unfaithful (we have only been married 2 years). We spent some time apart and decided that we both wanted to be together. I specified that things needed to change in order for this to be the case- things like honesty, affection etc. 

Since then, we’ve been having good times together and trying to spend more time together and going on dates. However, I’ve always felt that I have to be immediately ok with the past situation and I’m not allowed to talk about it. 

This weekend, husband went on a stag do. He knew I was feeling anxious about him going away and the type of laddish behaviour that goes on. Me being this emotional, neurotic person checks his laptop as his photos sync to it. I see photos of him holding a girl’s hand talking closely to her. I see a video of him wasted saying “she wants my d”. I see a video of his friend saying to him “get your d out for ***”(name of person he was unfaithful with). He also told me just now that he was sharing a room with the one lad in the group that he has kissed before and has a bit of a crush on (a different person who he told me he’d be sharing with). 

Im so angry, upset and hurt. I know he hasn’t been unfaithful again, but all of these things are still hurtful towards me. When I brought this up with him he said “I’ve tried and I’ve been good”. But in my eyes, this isn’t being good. That isn’t what a husband should do in my eyes and I feel like he’s not being very thoughtful about my feelings. 

Am I just being emotional and over the top? 

Former Member

Hey Stella,

Sending you welcoming and sympathetic hugs I'm really sorry to hear about this. I think your feelings are valid and understandable.

It sounds like he's not being very sensitive. Out of interest, how are you feeling about your relationship? - do you think you wouldn't think twice, or are there any doubts?

It's good to have you here, and we'll happily listen if/when you need to talk Keep us posted on how things are, if you'd like.

Former Member

Hi Stella7,

I can totally understand wanting to vent, it's only natural to want to get this off your chest.

It sounds like while you think your husband hasn't been unfaithful, his actions on the stag do still upset you. It also seems like you made an effort to reach out to him and talk about it but he brushed you off.

It seems like he might not quite understand where you are coming from or why what he did upset you. Do you think you could sit down with him and talk through how you viewed his actions and why that makes you feel he isn't thinking about your feelings?

You definitely aren't being emotional. If what he did upset you, then you are justified in being upset.

Former Member

Hi @Past User ,

Thank you for sharing, I imagine you must be feeling really burdened and heavy with this. 
It is okay for you to feel whatever way you feel, and if you think that your husband shouldn't behave this way, I can understand that, and that is something you are going to have to discuss with him.

I'm glad that you have managed to get past him being unfaithful in the past however, what do you think about sitting down with him and defining what is okay and what is not okay for you? Laying down some ground rules together? He can have a say too, of course but I think this might help him understand you better, and that way there are no excuses, and you can confront the problems as they appear.

If this seems like something that you don't want to do, that's okay too, but make sure to keep communicating with him!

Feel free to vent to us anytime you like

Take care,
Viloka

Former Member

Hi @Past User

Welcome to The Mix, and thank you for sharing with us

You're more than welcome to vent here, and someone will always listen. I'm so sorry to here about your situation. Don't worry about being "too emotional"- your feelings and concerns are totally valid. 

I think when someone cheats and you decide to work on the relationship, the onus is on the guilty party to put in maximum effort. That means respecting your boundaries and being especially sensitive to your needs. Your husband has to understand that, while he hasn't cheated since, his behaviour isn't acceptable and will feed your insecurities. I also don't think that him engaging in the "laddish" behaviour he seems to when he's around his friends is acceptable. It's really no excuse. His friends don't appear to have much respect for you, your relationship or women in general if that's how they carry on. 

I hope you find some resolution x 

Former Member

Hey @Past User,

             It is really good that you wrote and shared your worries and stress. I can imagine what you feel. I’d such experience with a guy I lived together for 2 years((

            I'm really sorry that you have such a problem cause I know how it hurts 
             I do not think you're too emotional it's absolutely clear why you feel so bad. But think about yourself. When I got this experience we were working on our relationship for 6 months and then we broke up cause I got sick. All of this stress and negative influence strongly your health even if it’s not visible. I really regret that I haven't broken up with him earlier cause afterwards I spent a year to recover((

           You know that you can't influence him or his behavior you can only manage yours, so please think of you when you plan what to do next. The only matter is how you feel. Everybody makes mistakes and so does your husband but what matter is what he does next. I'm sure that deep inside you know the way out, maybe you're scared to accept it, maybe you're not ready to it yet etc., but you know. So I hope everything will be fine I wish you to find you way out   
Take care 

Former Member

Hey @Stella7

You definitely have every right to vent and you have a community that is here to listen and support you! I don't think you're being over the top at all. I had a similar situation and it is horrible when someone you love betrays your trust and it's really hard to get that back.

I agree with the others about you talking it through with your partner and telling him how you feel. If you feel like it will turn into an argument or you can't face talking to him in person about it, maybe you could write it down in a letter telling him how you feel and give him some time to sit down, read and digest it. Then when you are both ready you can sit and discuss it?

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Welcome to the mix, I’m sorry its not under better circumstances, but you have come to the right place and i can understand why you felt as though you needed to get things off your chest, I hope its made you feel a little bit better being able to vent. 

I think that how you are feeling is completely justified, and anyone would feel the same. Have you tried to explain to him that is actions have hurt you and they are not what you want from the relationship? Relationships are never plain sailing and i have learnt that a lot of communication is key and usually have to spell it out to them even if it seems so simple and obvious to you. 

You have both obviously been through so much with each other and love and care each other enough to put past events behind you so i hope you guys are able to work through this as well.