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TW - childhood memories

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
Tomorrow I’m taking my little girl to a place I once shared memories with my grandad (non biological). He was my safest memory, he died when I was 11 years old, I’d have been 8 the last time I visited this place with him, before my mother got with her new partner at that time.
Theres a beach, the sea, everything will be as I remember it, we are staying in the same cottage I stayed in as a child. 
My little girl is looking forward to spending her birthday on the beach, on our holidays (as she calls it). I am feeling deep/lost in sadness, it’s overwhelming. My grandad died and bad things started happening to me. He is the only person I’ve ever grieved for, aside if myself, my old best friend in this world until my daughter was born. I thought about him often whilst bad things were happened to me, he was my strength, but he also abandoned me, how it felt, I’ve spent so long feeling angered by it. I was always told that people go when it’s their time but, it wasn’t his time, I was heartbroken, lost and from that nothing that happened could be any worse than that, or could it? I felt very alone, because I was alone, my mother was out drinking all of the time, was in an abusive relationship herself, she just didn’t have the time.
I need a friend now, I cannot reach out to anyone, they wouldn’t understand me, I’d want to disappear for feeling so needy! 
Sometimes your feel on your own, that’s grief, because you are on your own. 

Comments

  • Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,143 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Natalie,

    I can understand how losing someone and that grief process can really make you feel alone . I feel the same especially when visiting both of my nana favourite places or on anniversary like today was 5 years since my other nana died.

    Im sorry I don’t have much to say but I just wanted to let you know I’m here and I know how alone grieving can make you feel, hopefully knowing your not the only one and that I’m here can help you feel abit less alone 

    Sending hugs 💜
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
  • ClaraOswaldClaraOswald Posts: 146 Helping Hand
    You have so much courage to get this far!

    Your grandad will always live in you and your daughter, so I always picture lost ones looking through my eyes, so it helps me to talk to them in my head, like 'thankyou for taking me to this amazing place, so I can share it with my girl. Thank you for all the memories you gave me' sometimes going back to old places can mean you can let go. I'm sure your Grandad would want you to be happy x
    My feelings are bigger on the inside.
     "I do what i do because it's right... and above all its KIND" - the 12th Doctor 💕
    The joy is worth the pain.

  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey Natalie <3

    I just thought I'd check in and ask how you're feeling at this moment? And how was yesterday?

    Much love <3
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