I keep thinking that I'm evil and need to be punished (self-harm)

Former Member

I've always had issues with low moods and worrying too much, but over the last couple of years, this has improved quite a bit in some ways as I decided to make more of a conscious effort to better myself and make positive choices. I have noticed positive changes in the way that I think and feel about things, but I think that one recurring issue that's holding me back is that every so often (at least every couple of months, it seems) I start to believe that I'm evil and that I deserve to be punished. 

It's not as though I'm doing something wrong. I've never had it in me to hurt another person, and I tend to be seen as overly nice by my friends and family because I struggle to enforce boundaries sometimes. It's just that occasionally my mind will seem to get out of control and I'll start to think thoughts that don't quite make sense and then I end up interpreting them as being purely bad and viewing myself as toxic. The thing is that I know that I haven't wronged anyone in particular and therefore I can't apologise and put things right. I end up doing some kind of self-harm as punishment. Unfortunately, the same increase in freedom and change in attitude that made me feel more positive when good things happen also means that I do even more damage than I did before when something goes wrong. Recently I've been so anxious and irritable or so low that I keep imagining myself going crazy or doing something stupid. I've had these thoughts for years but the older I get the more likely I am to act on them, They used to just be strange fantasies and now they genuinely scare me sometimes.

I think I've rambled on a bit and I don't want to go on for too long so I'm going to leave this here. I'm going to talk to a doctor or a therapist about this when I can but in the meantime can anyone relate to this or offer me some healthy ways to cope?

Thanks

Former Member

Hello @TheAprilFool,

I cannot imagine how frustrated and burdened you must feel. Before I can say anything else, I want to say that it is great that you are reaching out for help here, as well as looking for a therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to recognise you need help and I think it is a great first step that you have taken by acknowledging that!

I imagine it must be so conflicting to be told you very nice but feeling the way you do on the inside? Is there a reason you feel like this? Are there particular thoughts that make you feel this way?

Whenever I have negative thoughts, I try to counter them with positive thoughts. So if I'm ever thinking badly about myself or someone else, I try to think of one or more positive things about the same, just so I know that everything is not all that bad. Maybe you could try this?

I also try to rationalise with myself, by questioning why I'm thinking this way, and try to get to the root of the issue.

Lastly, here is a source that may help you with coping with self harm: https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/self-harm-coping-tips-and-distractions-5696.html

If you need to talk to someone when you are in that situation you should consider our Cris Messenger: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger

I hope you feel better soon, and please feel free to talk to me.

Love,
Viloka 

Former Member

Past User said:

Hello @TheAprilFool,

I cannot imagine how frustrated and burdened you must feel. Before I can say anything else, I want to say that it is great that you are reaching out for help here, as well as looking for a therapist. Sometimes it can be hard to recognise you need help and I think it is a great first step that you have taken by acknowledging that!

I imagine it must be so conflicting to be told you very nice but feeling the way you do on the inside? Is there a reason you feel like this? Are there particular thoughts that make you feel this way?

Whenever I have negative thoughts, I try to counter them with positive thoughts. So if I'm ever thinking badly about myself or someone else, I try to think of one or more positive things about the same, just so I know that everything is not all that bad. Maybe you could try this?

I also try to rationalise with myself, by questioning why I'm thinking this way, and try to get to the root of the issue.

Lastly, here is a source that may help you with coping with self harm: https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/self-harm/self-harm-coping-tips-and-distractions-5696.html

If you need to talk to someone when you are in that situation you should consider our Cris Messenger: https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger

I hope you feel better soon, and please feel free to talk to me.

Love,
Viloka 

Past User 

Thanks for the advice. I wasn't really expecting to get much of a response on this post because it's not something I see being discussed particularly often and I don't think a lot of people would know what to do in this kind of situation. 

I've felt this way on and off for about 6 years now. I was aware of all the problems in the world before that, but at this point, it just suddenly hit me that even though I make a conscious effort to be a good person and view everyone equally, I do have unconscious biases based on things that shouldn't really matter. It made me question my entire identity and thought process, and even though things seemed to mostly clear up on their own a couple of years ago, I still occasionally get the same kind of thoughts and assume that I'm a terrible person. 

I try to rationalise my thoughts as much as possible, but sometimes I can't put them into words or they move too fast for me to capture them. I don't think that this is something that I can work through on my own, but I've spent years trying to find a good therapist and haven't really had much luck. I even went to a private therapist earlier this year but got advised to quit after a couple of sessions by a doctor because she didn't seem able to meet my specific needs at the time. The mental health service here has taken me off their list several times for reasons that are beyond my control. I would go back to the doctor but I'm already overwhelmed with appointments and I recently found I have a hormonal issue of some kind and have been having constant blood tests and also recently got told they're sending me for some kind of brain scan. 

Countering the bad thoughts might be a better idea. I know rationally that it's impossible for me to be a completely bad person and that I shouldn't use labels like "evil" to describe myself. I'm just finding it hard to get myself to believe the positive thoughts instead of the negative ones.

Thanks for the resources. I use the crisis messenger quite often but last night they were either having a technical issue or were really busy or something because they stopped replying and then started a new chat without me requesting it so I didn't get much of a response.

Thanks