Family Life - blame your family for your personality

Former Member

By definition the word 'personality' means - the combination of characteristics or qualities that form an individual's distinctive character. For me, this means that your personality is not something you can control but rather the qualities and characteristics that you are born with. Until recently, and this may seem shocking given the fact I'm a year and a half away from beginning university, I've come to realise/believe that you're not born with certain qualities or characteristics but instead you develop these based on your upbringing.

With all genuine modesty, I believe that I am quite an affectionate person. I love giving hugs and making people smile and laugh and making them feel as loved as possible. For example, if I see someone who I never tend to speak to wearing an outfit which I think is incredibly stylish and they look very good in it, rather than admiring it in my head I would call out to them and let them know. I wouldn't have any ulterior motive behind the compliment and it wouldn't be fake either. Some think it's strange, others think I have an 'ulterior motive'. Truth is, I don't. I'm paying them a genuine compliment because who wouldn't like to be complimented. 

And I think my family life plays a big part in that characteristic of mine. This discussion could end up being miles long as there is a lot, a LOT, I could talk about and it's 10 to 11 at night. So let me get to my main point of this discussion/post.

I'm often labeled as needy, clingy and overly affectionate. Some see the endearing side to it (is that how you say it?) while others view it as 'annoying' or 'desperate'. For a long time I believed that being 'needy' was a fault of my own and that I needed to find a way to control it. However I have come to realise that perhaps it actually isn't my fault and perhaps just an effect of how my family life is. 

Being the elder one of the family, I never received quite as much affection and 'babying' as my younger sibling did. My parents are strong believers of tough love and while it could be said that I was born with a 'need' for affection quality, this quality only grew and developed. Due to this I began seeking the 'babying' love (opposite to tough love) and affection from others, such as the people I go to school with. I've learnt that I shouldn't blame myself for having this quality and in fact I have been lucky enough to find friends at my school who do give me that love that I don't receive at home. 

It gets hard sometimes. Whenever I'm feeling low and all I want is a little love and affection that my family don't seem to be able to give me. Although a lot of my friends are only a snap away (not literally!) sometimes all I need is be wrapped in someone's arms and have them reassure me that I matter and that they love me. 

I really need to sleep now but please let me know your thoughts about this! Before I go spouting this to others and get accused of not seeing the bigger picture or whatever. Do you think you're born with your personality? Or does your upbringing have an impact on how you are shaped as a person? 

Love always, 

L.Z. 

p.s whoever you are, remember you are loved. It might not seem obvious and therefore might be impossible to believe but you are. And for what it's worth I care. ; 

Former Member

Hey,

This is an interesting question you've raised:)

I think it seems that you're born with the base (some natural traits and your basic personality). And also, you're taught things in your upbringing and it kind of shapes you.

It's a long story, but I feel my childhood had a lot of stress and unpredictability, and that didn't help my confidence. I was also taught kindness, whereas if my family were complete jerks, I may have ended up as one. Lol.

And I've always liked singing/music and the outdoors. Wanted to help people. Been a bit shy. And so on. And I don't think I was taught that, but rather it's been a part of me from birth.

I think being affectionate as you've described is great Though I'm sympathetic to read how you feel around needing love and not being treated with as much affection as your sibling.

And thank you for the PS, you're loved too buddy and I care:)

Former Member

Hey guys, 

I might be jumping in a little late on this conversation but I'm only new to this site and have been exploring posts! 

This is a really interesting topic and I've been looking for the perfect first one to comment on and attempt to add my insight. 

My boyfriend was doing a mental health course so I can remember him doing a topic on this about nature and nurture. Basically if you're born with your personality or if it becomes part of you. There seems to be a lot of debate and good evidence backing both sides (I'm not quoting and because it's nearly 4am and tbh I'm just sharing my opinion). 

I didn't have the best upbringing, only child living with single parent who struggled with mental health and couldn't look after me properly. I have a lot of confidence issues with myself, as a person and with things I achieve. I never feel like I'm good enough and constantly crave for more. This could be a coincidence but I think the lack of care and attention I got as a child has influenced this. I always wanted to feel loved which I never really felt, now I'm achieving at high levels and I want to feel more relevant and noticed. Not in a selfish way but I'm always looking for reassurance, making sure I'm doing things right and I genuinely feel like a child that needs guidance. 

On the other hand I'm also a very loving person, I'm very caring and I want to have a family and raise them well. This could be to give the life I never received to children or it could be because I was genuinely born a good person. The fact of the matter is we will never know if I was a good person by birth or by upbringing. I think we are all born as individuals and shaped into the people we are as we age. 

Imagine a piece of clay, now put about 10 pieces of clay beside each other. They'll all look similar but won't be identical. That's your babies that are born. Now throw the pieces of clay down a hill, the same hill, but side by side. Some will get to the bottom easier than others, some will hit rocks or branches that'll change how the clay looks, some will manage a clear path to the bottom. When they're all at the bottom, they've taken paths to get to the same place, but different things have shaped them differently. I think this is similar to life. 

Sorry if I worded that last bit badly, I was thinking of an equivalent to what my opinion is to put it in real terms, obviously it's nearly 4am so it might be utter garbage 😝

Anyways great topic!

⚓

Former Member

Hi all,

A bit like @Anch0r33 I'm a little late to the game on this one as well but after reading this it's had me thinking about it. 

@ellezee I can empathise a lot when you say you feel that the way you were brought up has made you an affectionate person and receiving less attention than your siblings may have influenced this. My family are not particularly close to each other and don't really open up. I think this impacts me in that I seek the "family" aspect from other people and tend to get quite close to friends and their siblings/parents/ grandparents because I crave the stability and acceptance of being part of a group. In that way, I guess your upbringing does influence your personality and how you are as you get get older. 

I think it's lovely that you have friends who are understanding and give you the love you deserve. People like that are always good to have around, they're the ones who matter and who will build you up.  

Much like the other comments on here I think our personality are a blend of family, experiences and who you surround yourself with. We're resilient and adaptable and your p.s says a lot about who you are as a person 

Thanks for the thought provoking topic    I hope things are going well 

E x

Former Member

Hey, this is a really interesting topic and I enjoyed reading what you had to say about it 💗 so thank you x