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TW sex
Former Member
Posts: 177 Helping Hand
Is supposed to be a way of one person expressing their love to another.. it’s supposed to be kind, caring, gentle.
For me it is shameful, dirty, hurtful, fearful, a form of self harm/sabotage that I use to prove I’m worthless, a ‘little whore/slag and all of the words used to describe me in the past’, rough, painful, embarrassing, scarring, weak, manipulating, exposing, it makes me feel sick. The flashbacks, nightmares and thoughts reliving it tells me so. I hate my entire self because of it.
I’ve had it described to me by authority that it’s my innocence stolen, but was it made me bad? Was I ever good?
Something that has come up in counselling recently, I can’t go into all of the details here because it is what I’ve said above. He got me an outfit he wanted me to wear, which I did for him, I wasn’t comfortable doing but just for him, that and make up, going to a nightclub underage I guess felt grown up despite what I felt inside about it all, his ulterior motives came out in the toilets if the nightclub as people looked on and saw what was happening... what was happening was a child being hurt by not just one man, pass the parcel or ‘thing’. I have never spoke about that night to anyone but the police. An element of that responsibility was me, I was 13, I chose to wear that outfit, I chose to wear make up, I chose to accept drinks from him that night and chose to how I was, I didn’t choose what happened to me that night. I wake up feeling suffocated almost, hot and panicked, fear sits right in the pit of my stomach, as it did then. I wasn’t stupid, why didn’t I stop it before it was too late? What did he do to make me feel how I did?
I already know he had control because I had no one, I didn’t matter to myself anyway, I remember feeling like I’d die eventually. I wished I’d have mattered to me. I remember being asked by the police, I thought a little strange, did you love him? I couldn’t compare what that was to him, I’d never felt it to know the difference. I still feel angered by that, to say did I love what he was doing? No. Did I enjoy any of it? No. I stopped fighting, eventually I’d just cry. He’d see and do nothing but say sorry after.
I still cry but now so no one can see me.
For me it is shameful, dirty, hurtful, fearful, a form of self harm/sabotage that I use to prove I’m worthless, a ‘little whore/slag and all of the words used to describe me in the past’, rough, painful, embarrassing, scarring, weak, manipulating, exposing, it makes me feel sick. The flashbacks, nightmares and thoughts reliving it tells me so. I hate my entire self because of it.
I’ve had it described to me by authority that it’s my innocence stolen, but was it made me bad? Was I ever good?
Something that has come up in counselling recently, I can’t go into all of the details here because it is what I’ve said above. He got me an outfit he wanted me to wear, which I did for him, I wasn’t comfortable doing but just for him, that and make up, going to a nightclub underage I guess felt grown up despite what I felt inside about it all, his ulterior motives came out in the toilets if the nightclub as people looked on and saw what was happening... what was happening was a child being hurt by not just one man, pass the parcel or ‘thing’. I have never spoke about that night to anyone but the police. An element of that responsibility was me, I was 13, I chose to wear that outfit, I chose to wear make up, I chose to accept drinks from him that night and chose to how I was, I didn’t choose what happened to me that night. I wake up feeling suffocated almost, hot and panicked, fear sits right in the pit of my stomach, as it did then. I wasn’t stupid, why didn’t I stop it before it was too late? What did he do to make me feel how I did?
I already know he had control because I had no one, I didn’t matter to myself anyway, I remember feeling like I’d die eventually. I wished I’d have mattered to me. I remember being asked by the police, I thought a little strange, did you love him? I couldn’t compare what that was to him, I’d never felt it to know the difference. I still feel angered by that, to say did I love what he was doing? No. Did I enjoy any of it? No. I stopped fighting, eventually I’d just cry. He’d see and do nothing but say sorry after.
I still cry but now so no one can see me.
8
Comments
You are worth so much more than what you think. Manipluators are v clever and make us feel like we choose something. But you was only 13 and he took advagate of your vunerablity. You didnt have control then but you do now. And someone once told me to never let anyone dictate how you feel about your self, easier said than done but some truth in it.
I have been sexually humilated and i know how it feels to be treated like some object or "thing". When people make you feel like you are nothing - it doesnt make it so. You can only try your best and do what you think is right.
I beleive you are a strong person. You have surived so much & im wishing you the best on your healing
theres a quote that i read which said ----"it just occured to me that many people are affraid to heal because their entire identity is centred around the trauma they experience. They have no idea who they are outside of the trauma and that unknown is terrifying". -- im not saying you relate to this. You may disagree. But i quote that because this seems your whole identity. But isnt. . And i have been to recovery corses & having idenity and knowing who you are despite your truama or challenges- is important for everyone.
Look, we all make mistakes, some of us make more, some other less but all of us make it, even those who seem to be perfect and never tell anything about that. And when smth is done the only thing we can do is to accept it as a fact and forgive yourself for that. I know that it's difficult and it hurts cause you can't just forget about those things but I wish you to find some love in your hurt for yourself, to hug that little girl and tell her that it's alright and such situations do not define you as "little whore/slag and all of the words used to describe me in the past" cause it just was your mistake. And believe me it's very easy to make mistake being 13 and guided by an "adult" who does such horrible things.
When I read your story I didn't imagine you as a "whore" I saw you as a sincere person who does not expect some bad people around and see only good things in everybody else. You didn't understand with who you deal with because you didn't expect people behave like that and because you're very trustful. and all of these describe you as a very good girl. Do not blame yourself for things that happened Unfortunately you got quite tough lesson in your life but it is as it is and you just will be more cautious in future...
If you are still ready to talk about it please text, I believe we can support you for you not to overcome it alone
Wanted to acknowledge your responses and thank you for now.
Thanks and I will respond later today.
natalie
I feel like my past is my present and struggling to be in the here and now. Struggling with the whole of myself and coming to terms with what’s happened to me, what’s been done to me. I’ve to live with my damaged self.
Some days I want to tare my skin off me, in flashbacks and memories I can feel him, that is why I’m uncomfortable and don’t want to be in my own skin. It wasn’t my own it was all his.
thank you for your understanding and for taking your time to reply with your kind words. I really don’t deserve them, but I do feel less alone.
You were a child and children make mistakes. I hate that he did this to you u were just a kid and its still harming u today. Do u talk to your parents about it?
Im sorry about ur headache. You should try drink coco and wear those sleeping eye mask things. Also listen to calming music.
We're all here for u. Message me if u need to talk
Im so sorry you have been through this, you should try not blame yourself. Just because you choose to put an outfit on and wear some makeup does not mean you were giving him consent to do the things he did. You were 13 years old, he was an adult, he should have known better. I hope that through all of this you come out fighting it sounds as though you have been incredibly strong throughout this and that is something to be proud of.
You mention that you ‘had no one’, is this still the case? You have always got us
Big love and respect to you for being able to share your experience with us
None of this is your fault. You are not to blame, and you shouldn't blame yourself. An adult took advantage of a vulnerable 13 year old girl who could not consent (legally or otherwise). He is entirely to blame. Nothing you did, said, or wore is relevant- he is to blame.
My heart breaks for you, and I hope you come out fighting