having to hide myself from my parents- feeling very upset and depressed :'(

Former Member

Hello everyone, I am having to start yet another discussion as I am struggling with many things at the moment and feel I need your loving support my life at home is a humongous struggle for me and i just feel so sad outside of my training course. I thank you all so much for looking at my post and hope you can help me, because i feel so alone and worthless

In my first post, i mentioned about how i had changed my name to lily, which i did to make myself feel happier and my parents do not support this, and threatened to disown me so i am having to keep my name change a secret from them. I did try speaking to my mum this saturday, after treating her to a coffee, about how sad i feel because i feel like i am having to hide who i am from everyone as she and my father and my family wont accept my choice to change my name and refer me to lily and keep using my old name. I got a response again telling me that i would upset her massively and she will never change her opinion and tells me it is a mental health issue and a selfish thing to do and to never mention it again and she said do you understand flower? (she calls me flower) i said yes mother.  My mum and dad ever since then had been referring to me by my old name in times they dont have to, just overly using it., i have tried ignoring them but they shout it louder and i have to reply as i get scared my social worker knows about this and tells me moving out is the best option, as i rung her in tears and she gave me a link to a helpsite for housing which i have contacted and am waiting for them to get back to me. My family are also forcing me to go to a beach day out this weekend, and i tried telling them i am busy but they forced me to come.  The reason i dislike hanging out with my family is because I know i am called lily legally as i changed my name legally and they keep referring to me by a deadname, and a name that does not make me feel happy and  i feel does not suit me as a person i will feelvery uncomfortable on this trip, may i ask can someone help me, what should i do to help me feel better when they refer me to my deadname? because them calling me it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel worthless and alone. I basically feel so alone at home and dread weekends and coming home from work as i hear my deadname again. In work, i am referred to my legal name and the name i should be which is lily and i feel so happy and myself there. t is just so hard having to come back home and deal with being treated differently :':-1: 

Secondly, my training course is unpaid but the organisers do their best to get us all jobs and give us an interview with a tech company at the end. i have had to, to prevent my parents stopping me from attending the course, say that i am getting paid monthly. My social worker advised with me to do this to protect myself and also allow me to pursue my chosen career.  Hiding two extremely important things from my parents to include my name and my course really hurts me as i dislike hiding things from people and lying and i have only ever had to do this now and these things are so important to me. On the 18th april my parents may want to see the money in my account, so my friend is going to put some money in there and name it the company. i am scared incase they ask to see, i spoke to them saying i would rather keep my payment personal and did not mean anythign rude  by it and they said it made them feel really hurt also after 18th april, i am expected to pay for my travel expenses and i do not have the moeny to do so so i am having to take out a personal loan and am scared about not being able to pay it back incase i dont get a job at the end of the course may i ask will i go to jail if i cant pay it back?

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment but we are all here for you I think Lily is a beautiful name and I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to understand why you changed it - it sounds like you have really tried to explain it to your mum too, and she isn't listening right now? Have you tried to do the same with your dad? It sounds like they can't understand right now how much it means to you (and upsets you when they call you the deadname). I can really hear the pain it causes and am sending massive hugs . I hear that your social worker is recommending you move out from your parents house, how would you feel about that? 

I'm surprised your parents have said it makes them feel hurt for you to keep your finances personal when they do not acknowledge your hurt by them using your deadname... I wonder if you could talk to them about that to help their perspective? As a relationship works two ways, they have to care about your feelings in return for you caring about theirs. Hope that makes sense!!

Is it a bank loan or are you able to take a student loan for your training, do you know? Maybe if you shared a little more about the training we might be able to help answer that. 

Hope you're ok, please keep sharing, we all care about you here!

- Lucy

Former Member

Hey @Past User

Im so sorry you are going through all this, i can imagine it’s incredibly upsetting, but I’m so glad you have been able to share this with us, massive love and respect to you for doing what you are doing

Its sounds as though you are really struggling with your parents at the moment, are there any other family, grandma, grandad, aunt, uncle etc that supports your name change? It sounds like your parents aren’t listening to you or considering how you feel, i can imagine this makes life at home difficult. How do you feel about moving out? This could be a postive move if its something you are comfortable with

Its good that you feel comfortable and happy at work and people call you by your legal name. And its great that you are perusing what you want to do, but its sad that its something else you are having to hide from your parents. Its nice to hear you have friends that have your back, and will help you through these difficult times. 

Things will get better, stay strong!

Former Member

Hi there @Past User

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I can't even imagine how upsetting it must be, but good on you for sharing your struggles here.

I think your parents are being incredibly selfish by continuing to call you by your deadname. It shouldn't matter what you call yourself so long as you are comfortable and happy being you. As a parent, that's all I would want for my child. Threatening to disown you and calling your mental health into question are not the actions of loving parents. They also sound incredibly controlling.

I think your social worker has your best interests at heart when she suggests you move out. I know the thought of living independently is super scary but it can also be very freeing. Once you get the support you deserve, you can start to build a great life for yourself where you have the final say.

We're all here for you. Stay safe

Siena

Heyy Lily

that does sound really hurtful and frustating that your parents dont accept you you seem lovely so thats sad:(. You arent selfish - they are

is your friend supportive?

how are things now? - did they check your account on 18th & how is everything else. Hope better

i dont know much but i think it would be unlikely youd go to prison for it

Former Member

hello @Past User,
I hope you feel at least a bit better right now, can imagine how difficult it is to realize that you parants do not accept you

         Unfortunately such situations happen so you need to find a way to live with it and feel more or less comfortable. I understand that it really hurts that parents behave so and do not accept you, but what if to think about it in general..can you imagine how many people won't accept you during your lifetime ?And it will be kind of difficult to live if to worry about that so much...again, I fully understand that when it's about parents it's difficult cause whoever they are, they are the closest people in our life and their attitude matters...
You know who you are, you love and accept yourself and it's the most important thing for you. We do not choose our parents and you have to accept how they treat you cause it's their choice but you can make your choise by not telling them truth, I got that it's difficult for you but you choose it just to protect your feelings and not because you are liar. You'd love to share everything with them but they do not give you any choice, so do not blame yourself for hiding smth...

Text please how it's going and how do you feel, hope we could support you

Former Member

Hey @Lucy307

I just received your understanding message and cannot thank you enough for your support. My problem is is that i want to speak to them but i am afraid of them ignoring me and calling me names and threatening me, . Their non acceptance of my name change is painful to me more than words can say, i dont know how to approach them abut how much it is hurting me.

Asfor my trianing course, i have not been able to get any student finance as it does not count as a university, they declined me which had me in a state. so what has had to hapen is i have had to apply for universal credit to try and help me. But the issue with the universal credit is that the job center is trying to force me to go to bridgewater to have my appointments which i cannot do as my father works there and if he sees me at the job center, it will be a disaster for me so i am going to pop to bristol on monday morning to see if they can do me there instead

blessings and love from lily

Former Member

hello @Past User

i cannot thank you enough for coming on here to support me, it truly is painful sophia because i prefer to be honest and hiding this is causing me a huge deal of upset i am so blessed you support me and understand me and all accept me., you are like a family to me and i am so blessed i met you all

Sophia i still am struggling humogously and I want to tell other family members but the issue is that i do not have their contact details as my mum and dad do not want me speaking to them and i am also scared that they may not accept my name change :'. I feel positive about moving out, but am still trying to get the finance to do so, which is holding me back a bit as i feel like moving out will allow me to stop feeling scared and hiding whom i am, even though my parents made it clear they shall disown me if i move out and look down on me and tell my family to never speak to me again and another fear is how am i going to tell them i want to move awya, my plan is to say to be closer to my job but i am scared they will see i have registered for the housing as lily:'(

Thank you sophia, i feel like work are my family as they always support me and make me feel happy as does everyone on the mix with their amazing souls, it makes me feel worthy. It truly hurts my heart sophiA, that they do not support me as i knw i would support them regardless and do not understand why they cant understand how much it hurts me



i will implement godels theorem to try and help me feel better, thank you for gving me love and courage! it will all be etter in the end

love and hugs, lily

Former Member

Hiello @"Past User"

I cannot thank you enough for your support, which has made me feel a bit better in this horrific time i am having it is wonderful people likewise your self which give me the courage to say truthfully how i feel as i know you will always support me and feel this is my home where i can be understood and loved for being me

This is exactly what i told them- i said politely to them lily suits my personality and makes me feel happy and i did not wish to change my name to disrespect them at all. But all i get is shouting that i have mental health issues and this hurts as i know i do not have mental health issues and told that they would turn the whole family against me- i have wanted to change my name for a long time and thought carefully about it and feel so disheartened that they will not support me in it because it is an innocent choice that is making me happy and feel like my self and i know that lily is myself. I wish you were my mother chubbydumpling because i hatehiding things and wish my parents could understand me more

oh chubbydumpling my social worker definitely does, she tells me too that lily is who i am and that i should not have to hide whom i am from my family and she said she will help me find somewhere and is still in process of looking, i am hoping that i get accepted for my job after the interview as i will have so much money to help me. You are totally right in that it will give me freedom and allow me to not live in depression and fear, which is why i cannot wait to move away, even though i am scared as i dont knw what to say to my parents about it as they said they will disown me if i move away and turn the family against me

i loveyou all and send my blessings and hugs to you, i am in my room keeping away from them as i do daily, as much as possible :'(xxx

Former Member

Hello shaunie,

It is utterly just that- it really hurts me to the core and i thank you so much for your kidness. I try my best to make them happy, but them not accpeting me is hurting me immensely and i am so tired of  living here, being called by my deadname and suffering hugely as words cannot describe how much it hurts me , then again i want to tell them again how it makes me feel but am really anxious they will start on me and ijust want to hide from them as much as possible as im hurting:'(

Oh shaunie, yes, my friends entirely support me and tell me that i did the right thing. one of them changed their name too- her name is issy and her dedname was louise but she said she felt louise didnt suit her and her parents supported her and she said there is nothing wrong with changing your name to be yourself and she said i did the right thing and each of my friends know me as lily and tell me how the name is made for me and it makes me feel so safe and supported, at least i know those will accept me

Shaunie the name thing is entirely dragging me down, they didnt check my account as i avoided it and was honest with them! i just hope that the next month they shant check. but knowing i have the support makes me feel better, but it is just painful living in this

They ended up declining my finance as you had to be a uni student so i had to orrow 300 pounds for my friend which i will pay back. i am going to try for universal credit and pay back my friend and have also applied to any job i could find. i am hoping by the end of the 6 weeks i have a job so i can earn money to help myself.

love and hugs, lily xxx

Former Member

hello @"Past User" ,

It is so lovely to hear from you and i thank you for your support, knowing you arethere for me has made me feel a bit better

     Yes you are so correct- but it isso hard for me to live with it on a daily basis im hoping someone can help me find a way to speak to them about it but then again i am scared of talking to them. I know i love and care for them and am a good daughter as i put their happiness first, and that it is out of my control they dont wish to support me. i know i have done nothing horrible to them though they may think it. i understand them feeling shocked and maybe a bit upset, but i havent changed  my entire name and i have explained to them how much i love the name lily so did everything i could. if they want to be negative over something so small, then they can do that but it is not fair and i feel it is really quite mean

Yes valerialetto, i know i am lily, my own person and have done evrything i can to be sucessful in my lfe and cherish others around me and love others regardless, so cannot help it if my family dislike me, though it hurts more than words can say. but i know their reactions are out of my control and that my work, my friends and everyone ihave met love me and support me and would never disown me for being myself.  Thank you valerialetto, i wish i could tell them but i am glad you understand why im hiding it- to protect me. I cannot thank you enough for your loving support and am here for you as always. it is horrible, i had to create another post as i am just deeply struggling, but at least  i know i have wonderful people likewise yourself in my life.

blessings, hugs and love,

lily xxx

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I hope you are doing ok

Have you asked your parents about contacting other members of your family? Are any of them on facebook or maybe another form of social media you would be able to talk to them on? When was the last time you have spoken to any of them? I can imagine that them not accepting your name change is a massive worry but would be a risk worth taking if they were understanding and accepting although should only do this if you’re 100% comfortable. 

It is good that you are feeling postive about moving out, as it can be something you are able to look forward to and work towards. Maybe if you tried to explain to your parents that you would have to move out at some point anyway, it’s maybe just abit sooner than you possibly would have they may see it from a different perspective and might be abit more accepting. Is there any way you could keep your housing application confidential? 

We will always be here for you 

big love 

Former Member

hello @Past User,

It 's so nice to hear from you and I'm really glad to hear that my message made you to feel a bit better 
I understand that it's difficult(that's why it takes so long when you want to change something, it'd be perfect to learn about something and immediately change you life right after, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that(
    I guess  I can suggest you to distract from your worries and get yourself more busy with smth else. Have you heard about life balance circle? When I feel that I'm really deep into something and it makes me upset I remember about this circle and it becomes better