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having to hide myself from my parents- feeling very upset and depressed :'(

MathsLilyMathsLily UKPosts: 18 Fast Newbie
Hello everyone, I am having to start yet another discussion as I am struggling with many things at the moment and feel I need your loving support :'( my life at home is a humongous struggle for me and i just feel so sad outside of my training course. I thank you all so much for looking at my post and hope you can help me, because i feel so alone and worthless :'(

In my first post, i mentioned about how i had changed my name to lily, which i did to make myself feel happier and my parents do not support this, and threatened to disown me so i am having to keep my name change a secret from them. I did try speaking to my mum this saturday, after treating her to a coffee, about how sad i feel because i feel like i am having to hide who i am from everyone as she and my father and my family wont accept my choice to change my name and refer me to lily and keep using my old name. I got a response again telling me that i would upset her massively and she will never change her opinion and tells me it is a mental health issue and a selfish thing to do and to never mention it again and she said do you understand flower? (she calls me flower) i said yes mother.  My mum and dad ever since then had been referring to me by my old name in times they dont have to, just overly using it., i have tried ignoring them but they shout it louder and i have to reply as i get scared :'( my social worker knows about this and tells me moving out is the best option, as i rung her in tears and she gave me a link to a helpsite for housing which i have contacted and am waiting for them to get back to me. My family are also forcing me to go to a beach day out this weekend, and i tried telling them i am busy but they forced me to come.  The reason i dislike hanging out with my family is because I know i am called lily legally as i changed my name legally and they keep referring to me by a deadname, and a name that does not make me feel happy and  i feel does not suit me as a person :( i will feelvery uncomfortable on this trip, may i ask can someone help me, what should i do to help me feel better when they refer me to my deadname? because them calling me it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel worthless and alone. I basically feel so alone at home and dread weekends and coming home from work as i hear my deadname again. In work, i am referred to my legal name and the name i should be which is lily and i feel so happy and myself there. t is just so hard having to come back home and deal with being treated differently :':-1: 

Secondly, my training course is unpaid but the organisers do their best to get us all jobs and give us an interview with a tech company at the end. i have had to, to prevent my parents stopping me from attending the course, say that i am getting paid monthly. My social worker advised with me to do this to protect myself and also allow me to pursue my chosen career.  Hiding two extremely important things from my parents to include my name and my course really hurts me as i dislike hiding things from people and lying and i have only ever had to do this now and these things are so important to me. On the 18th april my parents may want to see the money in my account, so my friend is going to put some money in there and name it the company. i am scared incase they ask to see, i spoke to them saying i would rather keep my payment personal and did not mean anythign rude  by it and they said it made them feel really hurt :'( also after 18th april, i am expected to pay for my travel expenses and i do not have the moeny to do so so i am having to take out a personal loan and am scared about not being able to pay it back incase i dont get a job at the end of the course :'( may i ask will i go to jail if i cant pay it back?



  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 497 Rampant Poster
    Hey @MathsLily

    I'm sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment but we are all here for you <3 I think Lily is a beautiful name and I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to understand why you changed it - it sounds like you have really tried to explain it to your mum too, and she isn't listening right now? Have you tried to do the same with your dad? It sounds like they can't understand right now how much it means to you (and upsets you when they call you the deadname). I can really hear the pain it causes and am sending massive hugs <3. I hear that your social worker is recommending you move out from your parents house, how would you feel about that? 

    I'm surprised your parents have said it makes them feel hurt for you to keep your finances personal when they do not acknowledge your hurt by them using your deadname... I wonder if you could talk to them about that to help their perspective? As a relationship works two ways, they have to care about your feelings in return for you caring about theirs. Hope that makes sense!!

    Is it a bank loan or are you able to take a student loan for your training, do you know? Maybe if you shared a little more about the training we might be able to help answer that. 

    Hope you're ok, please keep sharing, we all care about you here!

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • SophiASophiA Posts: 10 Fast Newbie
    Hey @MathsLily

    Im so sorry you are going through all this, i can imagine it’s incredibly upsetting, but I’m so glad you have been able to share this with us, massive love and respect to you for doing what you are doing

    Its sounds as though you are really struggling with your parents at the moment, are there any other family, grandma, grandad, aunt, uncle etc that supports your name change? It sounds like your parents aren’t listening to you or considering how you feel, i can imagine this makes life at home difficult. How do you feel about moving out? This could be a postive move if its something you are comfortable with

    Its good that you feel comfortable and happy at work and people call you by your legal name. And its great that you are perusing what you want to do, but its sad that its something else you are having to hide from your parents. Its nice to hear you have friends that have your back, and will help you through these difficult times. 

    Things will get better, stay strong!
  • chubbydumplingchubbydumpling Posts: 79 Miniposter
    Hi there @MathsLily

    I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I can't even imagine how upsetting it must be, but good on you for sharing your struggles here.

    I think your parents are being incredibly selfish by continuing to call you by your deadname. It shouldn't matter what you call yourself so long as you are comfortable and happy being you. As a parent, that's all I would want for my child. Threatening to disown you and calling your mental health into question are not the actions of loving parents. They also sound incredibly controlling.

    I think your social worker has your best interests at heart when she suggests you move out. I know the thought of living independently is super scary but it can also be very freeing. Once you get the support you deserve, you can start to build a great life for yourself where you have the final say.

    We're all here for you. Stay safe <3
  • ShaunieShaunie No one. England 🏠Posts: 3,839 Ultimate Poster
    Heyy Lily

    that does sound really hurtful and frustating that your parents dont accept you :( you seem lovely so thats sad:(. You arent selfish - they are

    is your friend supportive?

    how are things now? - did they check your account on 18th & how is everything else. Hope better <3

    i dont know much but i think it would be unlikely youd go to prison for it
    Kindness begins from the understanding that we all struggle.
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