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having to hide myself from my parents- feeling very upset and depressed :'(
Hello everyone, I am having to start yet another discussion as I am struggling with many things at the moment and feel I need your loving support my life at home is a humongous struggle for me and i just feel so sad outside of my training course. I thank you all so much for looking at my post and hope you can help me, because i feel so alone and worthless
In my first post, i mentioned about how i had changed my name to lily, which i did to make myself feel happier and my parents do not support this, and threatened to disown me so i am having to keep my name change a secret from them. I did try speaking to my mum this saturday, after treating her to a coffee, about how sad i feel because i feel like i am having to hide who i am from everyone as she and my father and my family wont accept my choice to change my name and refer me to lily and keep using my old name. I got a response again telling me that i would upset her massively and she will never change her opinion and tells me it is a mental health issue and a selfish thing to do and to never mention it again and she said do you understand flower? (she calls me flower) i said yes mother. My mum and dad ever since then had been referring to me by my old name in times they dont have to, just overly using it., i have tried ignoring them but they shout it louder and i have to reply as i get scared my social worker knows about this and tells me moving out is the best option, as i rung her in tears and she gave me a link to a helpsite for housing which i have contacted and am waiting for them to get back to me. My family are also forcing me to go to a beach day out this weekend, and i tried telling them i am busy but they forced me to come. The reason i dislike hanging out with my family is because I know i am called lily legally as i changed my name legally and they keep referring to me by a deadname, and a name that does not make me feel happy and i feel does not suit me as a person i will feelvery uncomfortable on this trip, may i ask can someone help me, what should i do to help me feel better when they refer me to my deadname? because them calling me it really hurts my feelings and makes me feel worthless and alone. I basically feel so alone at home and dread weekends and coming home from work as i hear my deadname again. In work, i am referred to my legal name and the name i should be which is lily and i feel so happy and myself there. t is just so hard having to come back home and deal with being treated differently :':-1:
Secondly, my training course is unpaid but the organisers do their best to get us all jobs and give us an interview with a tech company at the end. i have had to, to prevent my parents stopping me from attending the course, say that i am getting paid monthly. My social worker advised with me to do this to protect myself and also allow me to pursue my chosen career. Hiding two extremely important things from my parents to include my name and my course really hurts me as i dislike hiding things from people and lying and i have only ever had to do this now and these things are so important to me. On the 18th april my parents may want to see the money in my account, so my friend is going to put some money in there and name it the company. i am scared incase they ask to see, i spoke to them saying i would rather keep my payment personal and did not mean anythign rude by it and they said it made them feel really hurt also after 18th april, i am expected to pay for my travel expenses and i do not have the moeny to do so so i am having to take out a personal loan and am scared about not being able to pay it back incase i dont get a job at the end of the course may i ask will i go to jail if i cant pay it back?