Tough love sucks!

Former Member

I'm extremely sick of my parents saying they're harsh and strict and nasty because they love me, shouting and lecturing and nagging me and speaking in harsh firm tones. Love and meanness don't go together. It's not about loving me, it's about how they treat me so I'm not saying I think they don't love me or anything. How they treat me matters more. Especially as silly mistakes I make happen by accident and I never intend to do bad or its not my fault. They just accuse me of making habits when I say this to them when it's unintentional every time it happens, I don't ever see it coming. They ought to just accept my absent-minded daydreamy ways and that I find my surroundings boring and what's in my head more fun so my eyes will always skip things or things will always go in one ear and out the other and only part of what people say will always go into my head. I so hate the phrase "for your own good" or "for the best", is not good or the best if it upsets me. I only care how I feel and I have my own definitions of good and bad! I'm tired of apologising when they say sorry means I'll never do it again when I never know it's about to happen. They don't deserve my apology if they're being so cruel about it anyway. They should be apologising to me for their attitude. I'm sick of nagging me to "think" too. I think in my own way for Lord's sake!!! All they care about is consequences, well intentions matter more!!

Former Member

Hey @Past User

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't improved at home. It sounds to me like your parents have just been approaching your needs one way and expecting that to work. Have you ever all sat down and talked about what it is you actually need from them to support you properly? 

I know it sucks when it seems like you're the one putting in the effort the whole time but it might be worth a shot  

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I completely understand what you are saying and I just want to let you know that you're not alone. My parents have done a lot for me of the years putting their blood sweat and tears into helping me through school, exams and life generally. I really appreciate what they have done for me and I'm really grateful however I completely disagree with how they approached this. 

When I was younger I heard a lot of 'We just want the best for you' 'It's for your own good' and 'We know what's best for you' and this is all true as they are my parents however I disagree with how they treated me and how they approached this. I don't doubt their love for me for a second but I wish they had and wish they could now, treat me better, kinder, gentler so i don't feel as alone as I do now. 

They believe that I am in a really toxic relationship with my best friend as I'm in love with him but he doesn't see me the same way and because of this my mother has threatened to kick me out the house, which I don't doubt she would, if I don't cut him out of my life. She gets incredibly angry whenever I say that he has helped through everything because I have yet to tell her that 'everything' means having to cope with the way the tough love they gave me through the years, especially my GCSE years. 

I know it's tough so I just want you to know you're not alone because reading your post today has really helped in a way that I'm reassured that I'm not being a brat, as they sometimes would say! 

Hope this helps, 

LZ x

Former Member

Not to mention that they also physical abused me or threatened to when I was younger, pulling my ear and lip, slapping my face, threatening to shave my hair off and to send me and my brother to separate cities in our home country if we kept fighting, saying to make me learn my lesson and it all for my own good. No wonder I'm not so close to them now (and it also probably explains where I learnt to hit my brother when he was directly being mean to me and totally felt he deserved it).

Former Member

sozforhappy said:

I'm extremely sick of my parents saying they're harsh and strict and nasty because they love me, shouting and lecturing and nagging me and speaking in harsh firm tones. Love and meanness don't go together. It's not about loving me, it's about how they treat me so I'm not saying I think they don't love me or anything. How they treat me matters more. Especially as silly mistakes I make happen by accident and I never intend to do bad or its not my fault. They just accuse me of making habits when I say this to them when it's unintentional every time it happens, I don't ever see it coming. They ought to just accept my absent-minded daydreamy ways and that I find my surroundings boring and what's in my head more fun so my eyes will always skip things or things will always go in one ear and out the other and only part of what people say will always go into my head. I so hate the phrase "for your own good" or "for the best", is not good or the best if it upsets me. I only care how I feel and I have my own definitions of good and bad! I'm tired of apologising when they say sorry means I'll never do it again when I never know it's about to happen. They don't deserve my apology if they're being so cruel about it anyway. They should be apologising to me for their attitude. I'm sick of nagging me to "think" too. I think in my own way for Lord's sake!!! All they care about is consequences, well intentions matter more!!

Plus making me feel bad about things I do that don't harm others directly like imitating little kids talk and saying it over and over to thin air and talking and smiling to myself and sneezing and blowing nose and coughing loudly in public. Everyone sees and hears things, people just ought to deal with it and keep their judgements to themselves! I don't want my parents to protect me, I'm not a little kid anymore!!! I can't care less about blending in with others.

Former Member

ellezee said:

Hi @Past User

I completely understand what you are saying and I just want to let you know that you're not alone. My parents have done a lot for me of the years putting their blood sweat and tears into helping me through school, exams and life generally. I really appreciate what they have done for me and I'm really grateful however I completely disagree with how they approached this. 

When I was younger I heard a lot of 'We just want the best for you' 'It's for your own good' and 'We know what's best for you' and this is all true as they are my parents however I disagree with how they treated me and how they approached this. I don't doubt their love for me for a second but I wish they had and wish they could now, treat me better, kinder, gentler so i don't feel as alone as I do now. 

They believe that I am in a really toxic relationship with my best friend as I'm in love with him but he doesn't see me the same way and because of this my mother has threatened to kick me out the house, which I don't doubt she would, if I don't cut him out of my life. She gets incredibly angry whenever I say that he has helped through everything because I have yet to tell her that 'everything' means having to cope with the way the tough love they gave me through the years, especially my GCSE years. 

I know it's tough so I just want you to know you're not alone because reading your post today has really helped in a way that I'm reassured that I'm not being a brat, as they sometimes would say! 

Hope this helps, 

LZ x

Exactly!!! Simply because parents brought us into the world and shaped our lives doesn't mean they're the nicest people. Forget loving or hating. Especially typical asian parents thinking harsh treatment is good for us and not wanting to register how we feel about it and never seeming wrong in front of their kids. I wouldn't care less if they said that wanted to kick me out, I'm planning to leave home and just live by myself anyway, never wanting to become a parent myself. I don't love them at all to be completely honest. I'm sick and tired to death of family life

Former Member

sozforhappy said:

ellezee said:

Hi @Past User

I completely understand what you are saying and I just want to let you know that you're not alone. My parents have done a lot for me of the years putting their blood sweat and tears into helping me through school, exams and life generally. I really appreciate what they have done for me and I'm really grateful however I completely disagree with how they approached this. 

When I was younger I heard a lot of 'We just want the best for you' 'It's for your own good' and 'We know what's best for you' and this is all true as they are my parents however I disagree with how they treated me and how they approached this. I don't doubt their love for me for a second but I wish they had and wish they could now, treat me better, kinder, gentler so i don't feel as alone as I do now. 

They believe that I am in a really toxic relationship with my best friend as I'm in love with him but he doesn't see me the same way and because of this my mother has threatened to kick me out the house, which I don't doubt she would, if I don't cut him out of my life. She gets incredibly angry whenever I say that he has helped through everything because I have yet to tell her that 'everything' means having to cope with the way the tough love they gave me through the years, especially my GCSE years. 

I know it's tough so I just want you to know you're not alone because reading your post today has really helped in a way that I'm reassured that I'm not being a brat, as they sometimes would say! 

Hope this helps, 

LZ x

Exactly!!! Simply because parents brought us into the world and shaped our lives doesn't mean they're the nicest people. Forget loving or hating. Especially typical asian parents thinking harsh treatment is good for us and not wanting to register how we feel about it and never seeming wrong in front of their kids. I wouldn't care less if they said that wanted to kick me out, I'm planning to leave home and just live by myself anyway, never wanting to become a parent myself. I don't love them at all to be completely honest. I'm sick and tired to death of family life

Has this been a problem for a while now? Months? Maybe years? 

I also don't plan on becoming a parent because I believe and I'm almost sure of it that if my parents treated me in a kinder more respectful way, regardless of my age I wouldn't be feeling the way I am at the moment. I wouldn't have moments where I feel like ending my life or running away from home. The feelings of loneliness, pain and grief won't be as strong as they are now. And I don't want to risk causing another child in the world to feel that way. No one is perfect but there is no risk of causing another child to feel this way if I don't have them in the first place.

I'm not even eighteen and yet I feel the weight of the world on me. It's hard, it's painful but I know deep down it's not forever.

Here for you,

LZ x 

Former Member

Hi @Past User, 

It sounds like you have a lot on your chest at the moment so I just wanted to say you are absolutely doing the right thing by letting it out on here. We are all here for you and you really do deserve to feel supported.

You mentioned you don't want them to protect you because you're not a kid anymore. From this It seems like you are strong and independent, which are really amazing qualities to have. As you grow older there become more and more opportunities to use this independence, so I hope you can use this to know that things really can get better - just as Ellezee says, it's not forever. 

In the meantime, I am wondering if you have spoken to them, or anybody else, about exactly the ways you are feeling? 

We are all here for you. Take good care! X