love and relationships - i am feeling very down as i love him :(

Former Member

hello everyone,

I have returned after going through a very hard time with my parents and finally  regained the strength to come back on here! I thank you all so much for your support, and i am so sorry I had been away as I just felt really anxious and was very very sick. I have been thinking of you all through it and sending my blessings, though you may have not gotten a message from me you always have my support.

Basically i joined a software training course and met this man who i fell in love with, i am 19 and he is 30 years old, but we both have the same maturity and i just find him handsome and  i really like his personality. I did not  know of his age when i met him, he looks very good for his age and is such a lovely person and looks the same age  as me, he looks around 20. I am frightened that you may say the age gap is a problem, i understand it is an 11 years difference but we are both adults and like each other and would not like you to all judge me or him for it. I believe age doesn't matter as long as it is legal and the person is right for you.  I confessed my feelings to him on the 2nd of april and he said to me he also has the same vibe and gave me his whatsapp and phone number. I then added him and he scheduled a meal out and a movie with me. i am very shy i get giggly when i speak to him, but he said he finds it cute which was a good sign! I went for the date with him. We met at the train station and he then hugged me and i held his hand and he took me for a coffee. we then watched a film at the cinema and he looked into my eyes and kissed me.  we then had a meal together and spoke, there were some pauses as i was shy but we have alot in common and he spoke to me about a second date and paid for me.  he walked me all the way back to the station, and hugged me and kissed me and held my hand. he said he enjoyed the date and checked i got home safe but then in the morning i got a text for him saying that he really feels uncomfortable about the age gap and told me im young and have my whole life ahead of me and that being together doesnt feel right at the moment and that he hopes im not upset. he said it may be to do with being in the same training course together. And he said  to me he finds me interesting and clever and maybe we could try something after the course finishes (28th april) but he doesnt know. Everyone, i know this is alot to take in and i am very shy about it but trust this wonderful community to support me. I see him daily and i hug him and we text, he told me he has a crush on me also but said we will see what happens. It just kils me because i believe we could have a wonderful relationship and i was wondering based on what he said, is he trying to friendzone me or is he keeping me an option? i truly love him and it hurts, but i told him i would wait for him and that was when he said we will see what happens. I am in a team with him and the best thing i can do is show my kindness and keep on being myself around him, in the hope he sees over the age gap and tries again with me after the course. Also i must add, i whatsapp him dailyy and he sends me winky faces after i compliment him and doesn't tell me to stop, so i think it is a good sign. I felt shocked when he messaged me about the age gap after the date, as when he asked me on a date he said does the age gap matter lily? and i said not at all, it is the person and we are legal and both hold the same maturity so it should be fine. thank you so much everyone for reading this, i hope you can help me as i feel sad and scared after the course finishes i will have lost him, and i truly love him

[moved by moderator]

Former Member

Hey Lily (and it's great to have you back)  

Really sorry to hear about this I'd find what you've described an upsetting, disappointing and confusing experience. I agree that age gaps aren't a problem in relationships. As long as it's legal, and as long as it works for you, it's okay. Though I do understand how he'd feel uncomfortable because of the age gap... It sounds like perhaps he's worried about you two being judged, or is maybe feeling confused/unsure and wonders if you'd be better as friends. Regardless, it sounds to me like he does truly like you.

It's really nice you've found a guy you love, and I hope that he will want to give it a go after the course finishes. Obviously, I can't say if he will or not - and I can really hear that this must be hard for you, and that it's not going to be nice if he says no Does the uncertainty of whether you could be a couple get to you?

Sending you some hugs, we're always here for you

Former Member

Hello kathleen,i just received your loving messaged and feel so much better about this issue already and cannot thank you enough for helping me!

I am so glad you agree with this, as everyone i have spoken to has told me unkind things and told me to move on from him, which i can't as i love him i can understand he may feel that way, but i was texting him this weekend and he said sweet things to me and shares with me his favourite books etc so i do gain the sense he feels the same.

Thank you  so much Kathleen, i hope he does as i really feel strongly about him and feel like he is soulmate. If he doesn't feel the same it will break my heart, but at least i can know i was a good friend to him and had a positive impact. the only thing i can do is focus on my work with himself and the team to try and get a job at the end of it and continue to make him happy. It is just the uncertainty of whether or not we may be a couple kathleen, because i truly cannot tell whether or not he is gently trying to let me down or actually does want to try with me after the course. im too afraid to ask him, and i feel it would be best to do that after the course but am frightened of the response. may i ask kathleen, should i do this in person or just do it over text?

Former Member

Aw you're very welcome Lily!

I totally understand you're frightened of the response. Honestly, I'd say that either could work... One the one hand, doing it over text may feel safer and less anxiety-inducing than doing it in person. But on the other hand, it can sometimes be easier to see if a person is being honest when it's in person What do you think - any particular preference?

It really makes sense that the uncertainty feels bad And you're definitely right that whatever the outcome to all this is, at least you know you were a good friend. And I know that if he says no, there's a lot of other people out there that will love you so much - though I know it's not the same when you've fallen for that one guy who you feel is your soulmate

Former Member

dear kathleen,

*hugs you* it is a tricky one here because i wish to do the best thing! If i do it in person it will be better i think although i am shy, because i had the courage to tell him i liked him which worked in my favour- he asked me on a date and told me it was good i said because he liked me too! I will be very shy but your advice saying it is easier to see if being honest makes me tend more towards doing itin person!

I dislike the feeling kathleen as i am going through alot of uncertainty and it makes me feel panicky and anxious alongside my home problems at least i know yourself and this wonderful community are here for me! It will hurt my heart but you are correct there are many other men! All i can do is pray he will choose me

Former Member

Hello dear @Past User,

It is so nice that you share your concerns here and I can tell you that you're very brave to tell about your feelings, not everybody can do that. I understand your feelings, uncertainty always scares..

First of all I'd like to tell you a bit about age gap, I really believe it doesn't matter at all, moreover 11 yeas difference isn't that big and the older you'll be the less you notice it. But it's kind of important that both partners feel the same about it... cause if he feels strongly uncomfortable aboutit, it's doubtfully that you can change that. But again the main thing for you is how you feel and if you are okay with that it's okay!

I understand that you are scared because of uncertainties but look, you never know what other person thinks so it's useless to torture youself with thoughts about his possible thoughts (sorry for "thoughts" repetition  ). You write " what if..." ...let me share with you one quote from the book I am reading now:

‘But what if ... ?’ ‘Don’t “what if”. I don’t know, you don’t know, none of us knows.

Do not "what if" it brings you nothing but sadness and more concerns. I understand easier to tell than to do but think of it, try to distract on some interesting activities and ....(here is quote again)

 Things are as they are. What I can see, feel, hear and smell right now.

You love him, you text, you have a lot to discuss and a lot in common so...Enjoy it!
Catch this fantastic moment of being in love cause you never know what tomorrow brings you. You never know what happens when course finishes and in fact, I think, your man behaved really good towards you telling about his concerns. He accepts his worries as well as accepts his feelings , but he asks you to give him some time. So give him this time to think and take your time either to know him better if it's mutual wish.

As for now there is nothing to worry about, you worry just about possibility that smth bad happens. So in fact you worry about thing that isn't real ))

I hope I could support you at leat a bit, text me any time you want to talk