Guilt and trust issues

Former Member

Mm i guess writing all this down will make me feel better some how. And maybe if anyone happened to have some advice for any of these things.(sorry this is long loool)

The first is about an ex bf of mine from a while back. It still hurts from his cheating and mistreatment. He ignored me and hurt me in many ways. After not talking to him for maybe 7 months I did briefly talk to him. Because he got in contact with someone i knew and promised to apologise. He did technically apologise but it was completely empty. He also asked for help with his own issues however i doubt i really did help him.
Then he startes to treat me badly again. To be fair i was a bit of an ass to him but like i was trying to get him to like realise how i felt but probably not a good way.
So i stopped talking to him. But it still hurts even after soo long. 
The worst thing is he never took the responsibility or even admits to cheating. In fact he blames his depression and even said "you dont understand me". I guess it doesnt matter, happened while back, it just hurts mostly. I sort of moved on and i sort of didnt, i just dont get why after so long it does still hurt.

The second is about a friend who while they are known to let me down a bit or be a little weird i considered them good friend until they kinda did something that made me feel bad. They promised to pay me money for this art thing. But in the end they didnt and not only that they didnt even seem grateful.
I dont mind giving free art but they were like acting so weird and guilty and it made me feel terrible.
I asked them throughtout making it if they still wanted and well in someways maybe they didnt because they seemed less excited than originally. But they still said yes. I dont get why they didnt pay i would have accepted even the smallest token gesture. Or if they couldnt pay then a thank you or like im sorry i cant pay would be fine. Its just they seemed so dishonest and weird. I guess i should have confronted but just couldnt feel up to it. I still talk with this friend but it feels more shit and i cant really trust them. Tbh even if i did fix this there are other things i dont like about them such as they r an attention beg and bad at having genuine conversations so not really sure about them now. And i also feel guilt on my side for not adimitting things but i feel they would avoid responsibility too.

There are others I also feel guilty about. The friend i broke off from aggressively because he made me feel shit. Or well ultimately it was an argument that ended things formally. And mistrust.  
Also girl who was crying the other day because i was talking to their friend. Thats because i was like friendly with her before but then stuff broke down between us because i guess she gave me the silent treatment for not giving her enough attention or something..? (Actually idk what really happened) 
I did somewhat fix things with this other friend i like but i still feel guilty for making things drift in the first place. And idk not guilt but this guy has been a friend on and off to me. Sort of like meh and idk always if i upset them or not. As well as that it seems like they have kinda got distant again and that sucks.

I feel a little guilty for not saving a seat for this friend, i know thats nothing and i have already been forgiven but i feel bad cos they are a good friend of mine. I did that because i felt they would be late anyway so no point..
And i dont know if i will screw up on them again. I guess i wont.

Lastlt i bad about like semi ignoring this person over text by taking a long time to reply and replying in a very uninterested way (if u know what i mean).
But they were super annoying asking so much from me and about me. Kind of over friendly for someone i just met.
Also it felt like a burden and they kept asking me to help them. I enjoy helping but i felt taken advantage of. I know if you help people they help you back at least sometimes but idk i felt more burden on myself. And it felt that they were pushy and asking me to go meet them to help them.
I do like talking though, but I had a headache from too much screen and ya know it felt invasive. I wanna chat with people just not like all day. But after i ignored them i feel i probably upset them. Therefore I feel a little guilty. And they probably wont talk to me same idk maybe i misjudged them. Just things are so complicated ahhh

I guess i should just look past these things right? Idk I still feel a little weighed down. Even though a lot of it was unavoidable lol 
And sometimes things just happen. Just the tension between me and some people is hard for me to take

Former Member

Hey @tkdog

Thank you for sharing Did it make you feel any better getting that all out?

Firstly, I can really relate to how you're feeling about your ex. One of my exes cheated on me and never admitted, took responsibility or apologised for it which I think is absolutely disgusting. I've never really had closure from that and I know its a cliche but it really does get better with time... And he's not worth your time - please don't feel bad for 'being an ass' to him because you don't owe him anything. I'm sorry that you're hurting from it and it took me quite a long time to fully 'get over' too, because it's the worst kind of betrayal when they don't even acknowledge it. 

On your friend that never paid - it's bad we have to go through things like this to realise how shitty some 'friends' can be... One of my best mates is an artist and I've paid for many of her prints, xmas cards etc, but I know for a fact she's had the same thing when another friend asked her to design a tattoo, which she did, but was never paid for. I think with people like that it's best to move forward but to remember what's happened so you probably can't fully trust them again...

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of guilt at the moment for anything you have done which isn't 100% perfect for other people. The best bit of advice I can give you is that you do need to look after yourself before you look after others... It sounds selfish but it's really true - you've probably heard 'you can't pour from an empty cup' - just remember to treat yourself with the same kindness you are trying to give to other people. 

Are there people in your life you feel like you have a good relationship with without any of this guilt? If so, hold on to those people as they are good for you! And have you been able to/do you feel you could speak open & honest with any of the people you mentioned above to clear the air at all? (Maybe not the ex tho...!)

- Lucy

Former Member

Hey @tkdog

Having been through break ups myself i can imagine the hurt you are going through even after so long it can be so difficult especially if its unresolved and they try contacting you with an apology just to recieve an empty one. It must have opened up so many emotions you will have just managed to get rid of or forgotten about. I dont think you should feel bad for the you treated him because you haven’t done anything wrong. 

Regarding your friend who recieved your art work, if they are a good friend i think its worth talking to them about it because it may be something your friend wanted to pay for but something may have happened which may have meant she was short of cash and too embarrassed to say something. However if its a friend you’re not as close with or something you can move past, i agree with @Lucy307 sometimes just best to move on but bare in mind this incident if anything like this happens again, sometimes its best to keep friendship and money seperate- something i have learnt. 

It’s sounding as though you are experiencing an overwhelming amount of remorse for lots of your actions but you shouldn’t blame yourself for everything, like letting your friendships drift. Friendships are a two way thing so shouldn’t be all on you also some friendships come to a natural end and fizzle out regardless of the effort you put in it. 

I think we are all guilty of semi ignoring people, I know I definitely am, and if a person is constantly asking me to do things to help them and never the other way round then I defiantly dont respond as quickly or enthusiastically. I dont think you should feel bad for this because you need to look after yourself and usually if you take some time out for yourself when you do respond it will be because you want and will be able to give better replies. Also you shouldn’t worry about upsetting the other person because they should be able to understand where you are coming from because they probably feel the same sometimes. 

Lastly, again reiterating what @Lucy307 has already said, surrounding yourself with people who dont make you feel bad for what you do would be a postive step to removing the negative feelings. 

Former Member

morning @tkdog,
                 I hope writing did help you to get rid of you worries and negative feelings at least a little bit.

                  I understand what do you feel about your ex as well as about friends who didn't pay for your art things without any single word.... 
                      People are different and it's kind of difficult to understand everybody and it's okay. The main thing is that it's up to you to choose who to communicate and to be friends with. In my opinion, you were very brave and did really good thing when you asked your boyfriend about cheating cause it's very important to clear the air if you are interested in this person and no reply is also a reply to you. As I understand you're not that type of girl who's okay with cheating (I guess there're really few of them ) so let him go cause you do not want smb treats you this way.He is as he is and you can't influence his behavior (as well as can't make him appologize or whatever) but you have a right no to choose him any more in your life.

                   About money issue I had absolutelly the same thing in the past and I worried a lot about it, as far as I felt really emotional I couldn't talk to this person about that cause I didn't really want to argue, but when some time pasted and I didn't worry about it that much I asked the person why he acted like that and he answered that he didn't have money that time but it was a shame for him to accept it cause he already promised me  and after some time he just forgot about it, so when we talked he gave me money instantly 
                    So you never know what's in other people's mind so do not worry that much and do not try to make a whole in someone's brain  you never know what were people's motives for sure)

I hope a could help you a bit,
Have a good day 

Former Member

Hello @tkdog! I hope you’re feeling a littlebetter since   the last few days.

I am sorry to hear how burdened you’re feeling and I know it seems like it’s going to feel like this forever but with some time and some thoughtful changes you may perhaps be able to deal with all of this much better.

You seem to be someone that cares a lot about others and that is so nice and refreshing. Not a lot of people are like that. However, when you are such a giver, people tend to take advantage of it and oftentimes it may not even be Intentional. 

It is important that at times like this you care for yourself and realize that you are just one person and you are human, none of us are supposed to be perfect and we all make mistakes, and it is hard to live up to everyone’s expectations. You should remember to give yourself credit for all the good things you do. I know it is easier to focus on everything you did wrong but look for the things you did right, and You’ll probably Find more than you expect. 

I’m sorry to hear about your exes behaviour l, it seems like it hurt you a lot but I can also see that you seem to have learned something from it and that is never a bad thing. Same goes for your friend who did not pay for the art you made her, I am so sorry that that happened, maybe next time it could be helpful to ask for some money in advance to buy the materials you would need, so that way it won’t seem like you are being selfish or cheap and also be compensated for your lovely art work

Guilt is a very difficult feeling to process but you may need to cut yourself some Slack. Maybe having open conversations with your friends would help you understand their perspective and perhaps you might realize that you don’t need to bear the burden of how everyone else feels. Because you are important too, and you come

First! 

I hope this helps and I’m here to talk more if you need!

Take care

Former Member

Thanks for the replies.
Feeling a bit better yes. Yes im done with my ex for sure XD more talking will only screw things further.

Maybe the money thing is sortable.
But i feel guilty if they offered it now and i already feel like its kind of a done buisness. I feel if they are going to let me down like that its not really worth it.. Maybe sometime i will bring it up.. tbh it wasnt really much stuff I was making very small stuff so its not even a big deal, but I feel like they lost interest in having it and it wasnt even really about money, but they still could have paid a token gesture or said sorry i cant pay. I was feeling bad at the time so if they didnt want it i rather they said no. But I just rather not deal with anymore. It's just idk what to do when they message me and its pretty frequent btw, I want to ignore but after a while that isnt possible. I've known this person for quite a few years so it isnt like as easy as cutting them off.

I dunno who I can trust as a friend, I have a recent friend but in a way I hardly know them still so its hard to be that open with them at least yet, even though we act kind of close. I guess there a few ppl but most of them i hardly see or are online friends lol But yeah maybe @vilJa your suggestion about talking about stuff like that is good.

And yeah there is this person im ignoring he is quite annoying sometimes even if he tries to be helpful. I think that is how he is with everyone actually. But i dont want him constantly asking me about coursework like how about he actually goes and does it lol.  Helping is fine but he really does get bothersome and yeah i think i will just take time to reply but the thing is he replies super quick even when i have taken time on my side and its kind of weird especially for someone you have known less than a month, hardly at all. And he then promised to help me only to screw up mostly though he did sort of help me indirectly so I guess in that sense I'm not complaining.

Yeah I guess a lot of my friendships will drift.I just feel like I hardly have any of my friendships last very long. I miss a few ppl from the not too long ago past but at the same time they probably have moved on as well as the issues in the way that made things not work even though i am sure we were very compatible ppl. Or more long ago i was very bad socially and missed so many good friendships, which makes me really sad, particularly if you hear what they are doing (hence one of the reasons of deleting facebook). And ya know you always regret that things could have been better. At least I have some  better ppl now but not sure how long it will last. In many cases I think there was good reason friendships ended such as arguments, people being oversensitive or mean.

Othertimes I feel like maybe I wasn't being open enough or thinking too much of myself.But we all make mistakes I guess, I just hope the past doesn't taint the future. I feel sad when people ask me about my past and either it is lies, stuff made out to be better than it is or stuff that isn't too great.