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Religious parent blame me for my sexual abuse and not sure what to do? (Tw for sexual assault)
Please let me know if I need to add more trigger warnings! When I was a kid I was sexually abused, my parents are very religious so I wasn’t taught anything about sex but what was happening didn’t feel right so I told them what was going on and they said to stop being silly so I didn’t mention it again. I’m an adult now but what happened has effected me quite a lot, I’ve been in inpatient quite a few times from suicide attempts and was diagnosed with bpd. It’s also affected my relationships so I keep ending up with dodgy guys and bad things would happen, I had to do a rape kit last year and I was taken to hospital a few months ago bc I got beaten up by a guy. I started working in the sex industry as a teenager as well but I stopped a couple of years ago so I could concentrate on studying. My parents know about the rape incident etc and they are very angry about it, they believe it was my fault and that I lured men into hurting me, that I wear the wrong clothes and that’s what happens if I talk to men. They tell me I am stupid for getting raped and when it is the holidays and I go to live with them they won’t let me out of the house by myself. This has made me very suicidal recently bc I don’t know if they are right and I’m worthless now bc of what happened, I feel I can’t cope anymore and I’m worried I will attempt again. It’s especially bad today bc I was at a Valentine’s party yestoday and a guy put something in my drink so I had to go to hospital. I was trying to buy a drink for myself but the bartender told me a guy down the bar had offered to pay for it, I said I would pay but the bartender told me the man had already paid. The guy followed me around the party and just stood nearby staring at me while I was talking to people, that was the only drink I had but it made me feel really sick, I was throwing up and had to sit on the floor so I wouldn’t faint. I texted my mum to tell her I had been taken to hospital, and she was very angry with me for disturbing her sleep, today I told her I was upset about what happened last night and she told me not to talk to her bc she was very tired from not sleeping much bc of me and then she ignored me. I know it’s a bit stupid but I just feel upset that my parents blame me but I don’t know if I’m over reacting and being a brat? I’ve been too depressed to talk to my friends the past few months so I’ve lost contact with them and my family don’t like me, I just feel like no one cares about me at all, and if I died no one would miss me, tbh I’m just suicidal and don’t know what to do about it or how to sort things with my parents bc I’ve ruined everything. Sorry if this didn’t make much sense I tried to call a rape crisis line but I couldn’t find one which was open and not busy