Religious parent blame me for my sexual abuse and not sure what to do? (Tw for sexual assault)

Please let me know if I need to add more trigger warnings! When I was a kid I was sexually abused, my parents are very religious so I wasn’t taught anything about sex but what was happening didn’t feel right so I told them what was going on and they said to stop being silly so I didn’t mention it again. I’m an adult now but what happened has effected me quite a lot, I’ve been in inpatient quite a few times from suicide attempts and was diagnosed with bpd. It’s also affected my relationships so I keep ending up with dodgy guys and bad things would happen, I had to do a rape kit last year and I was taken to hospital a few months ago bc I got beaten up by a guy. I started working in the sex industry as a teenager as well but I stopped a couple of years ago so I could concentrate on studying. My parents know about the rape incident etc and they are very angry about it, they believe it was my fault and that I lured men into hurting me, that I wear the wrong clothes and that’s what happens if I talk to men. They tell me I am stupid for getting raped and when it is the holidays and I go to live with them they won’t let me out of the house by myself. This has made me very suicidal recently bc I don’t know if they are right and I’m worthless now bc of what happened, I feel I can’t cope anymore and I’m worried I will attempt again. It’s especially bad today bc I was at a Valentine’s party yestoday and a guy put something in my drink so I had to go to hospital. I was trying to buy a drink for myself but the bartender told me a guy down the bar had offered to pay for it, I said I would pay but the bartender told me the man had already paid. The guy followed me around the party and just stood nearby staring at me while I was talking to people, that was the only drink I had but it made me feel really sick, I was throwing up and had to sit on the floor so I wouldn’t faint.  I texted my mum to tell her I had been taken to hospital, and she was very angry with me for disturbing her sleep, today I told her I was upset about what happened last night and she told me not to talk to her bc she was very tired from not sleeping much bc of me and then she ignored me. I know it’s a bit stupid but I just feel upset that my parents blame me but I don’t know if I’m over reacting and being a brat? I’ve been too depressed to talk to my friends the past few months so I’ve lost contact with them and my family don’t like me, I just feel like no one cares about me at all, and if I died no one would miss me, tbh I’m just suicidal and don’t know what to do about it or how to sort things with my parents bc I’ve ruined everything. Sorry if this didn’t make much sense I tried to call a rape crisis line but I couldn’t find one which was open and not busy 
kathleen0172

Comments

  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    Hey, I'm so sorry to hear all this bud 💕 You not overreacting or bratty at all.

    Your parents aren't acting okay. It's not at all your fault that you were sexually abused/raped. And you didn't lure anybody into hurting you and wearing certain clothes doesn't get you hurt. The only cause of rape is rapists. Maybe your parents' behaviour is caused by them feeling guilty or something. Regardless, they are not right and you're not worthless x

    It'd matter if you died and people would grieve. If for no one else, stay alive for me and the other people here, we all care. I promise ya your life is valuable (not to mention capable of a lot). 

    Have you maybe got a self care box type thing for when you're suicidal? Could have stuff like... 

    ) reason to live. Anything. Pets, people who care like us, something you want to do, etc
    ) helplines to contact
    ) something, or a list of things, that could provide temporary distraction
    ) positivity, maybe some calming photos or a list (you could start writing down small positives from the day so that you have a whole collection of good things) 

    And so on... And you could have a safety plan? E.g, "if I think I'm going to hurt myself, I'll call 999 for help, and will go into a quiet room and have a look at my self-care box thingy".

    It sounds like you're definitely struggling a lot *hugs*. Here for you xoxo 
  • babyopposumbabyopposum Posts: 3 Newbie
    Thankyou so much for your reply I hope you are ok! I study a lot which distracts me, however I’m not allowed my dog or rabbits in my uni halls so my parents are looking after them. They are expecting me to move back in with them once I finish uni in May but I don’t feel I can with what’s going on atm, which makes me very worried that they won’t let me have my pets back. All my pets are rescues and have special needs, my dog in particular has behavioural problems and is very attached to me, it would be horrible if my parents won’t let me have her back bc she would think I have abandoned her. I’m especially worried that they would send them all back to the shelter and my dog esp found it very difficult in there before I got her. I regret letting my parents look after them, they are like my children and I would be devestated if anything happened to them. I havnt been able to see them for the past month bc I can’t afford the train fare and I miss them so much. 
    kathleen0172
  • kathleen0172kathleen0172 [Inactive User] Posts: 1,456 Fanatical Poster
    @babyopposum Aw 😞 Pets are very dear to us, and it's also understandable that you're missing them.
    Silly idea, but do you think they'd let you have your pets back if you moved back in with them just for a little while, and then move out?

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