I feel helpless.

Former Member

My best and only friend just learnt that her ex was in couple again. I try to support her as much as I can, I tell her I love her and that her ex was an asshole ( he really was tho ), I know she knows it but she is in the same situation as me, she just can't accept it and refuses to cut communications. I wish I could see her to hug her but she is not in the same town. I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm not doing enough, and it hurts to see her like that. Any advice ?

Former Member

Hey there @Past User

I'm so sorry that you and your friend are struggling with this. Watching an ex move on can be very tough, especially if you still have unresolved issues with the relationship. I think you're doing as much as you possibly can for your friend. You're absolutely right that the best thing to do is cut contact. A clean break is usually the best, and most healthy option, to heal emotionally. 

Maybe you could point her in the direction of some online resources, or even suggest that she make an account here to share her experiences. 

JustV

Just adding to what @Past User said, it's important to keep in mind that these processes are very personal and emotional. It's often the case that we can see an easy fix to someone's situation from the outside, but giving that person time to reach their own solution and work through their emotions in their own time is key for any healing process.

It is tough to see someone you care about go through something painful, and sometimes that urge to 'save' them rather than support them becomes really strong. Being there with someone while they do their best to find their way though something difficult is often the most supportive thing you can do.

It's not your responsibility to 'save' your friend from what she's experiencing. Don't underestimate the power of listening and a bit of patience. You clearly care about her and I'm sure she knows that.

How are you feeling, @Past User? Supporting anyone with anything naturally takes a bit of a toll, so make sure you're getting the care you need too.

As a sidenote, ASAP Science released this video recently on how to get over your ex. Might be relevant, might not, but thought I'd share:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8_QERLOu40

Former Member

Hey ! I'm very sorry for the late response, I was caught up in exams and didn't really have time/energy to answer, but thank you for your amazing answers!

Thank you for your support, I understand, time is the best cure, it just feels really hard to support somebody when already dealing with a lot myself. I will show her the video and give her online ressources but she told me she is not really into it, the best thing I can think of right now is just enjoying and making her enjoy the rare time we have together, the most, so it can hopefully give the both of us some emotional support.

As for myself, I feel incredibly overwhelmed and stressed, but I start a 2 weeks break today so hopefully I can relax a bit more and try to focus more on me and her as I was very focused on studies. 

I totally understand what you say about trying to "save" someone and not "support" someone, and as it partly cost me my previous relationship (in a way), I don't want it to happen again, so I will do my best to take my time and just... talk to her, that's probably the best I can do for now.

Thank you again for your amazing answers, I hope you have a great day