Don’t know why I even bother

Former Member

Everytime I try to reach out, open myself up another door gets slammed in my face and I’m left picking the broken pieces of myself back up to mould back together.

There is only so many times pieces stick back together until they become shatter and defeated.

Aoife

Hey Natalie,

It's been a couple days since you posted this, how are you feeling today? 

I'm so sorry to hear doors keep closing when you're trying to reach out for help. Taking this step to reach out for support can be one of the hardest things to do so I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Don't give up because the right support is out there and it may take a bit of time to find. You really deserve to be supported through this. 

I just wanted to let you know that we'll always be here for you anytime

Former Member

I spoke to Danielle whose supported me through court and before with my statement, the last time I will see her will be at his sentencing next week, she isn’t there to give further support has suggested victim support they offer counselling, I tried that previously but wasn’t comfortable at all with it, ot just wasn’t right for me, I can’t explain why. 
She was the person who suggested here to me, somewhere to talk when I have no one else. Danielle was there to support me through the court process and she has, that’s nearly over now, should I feel happy or relieved? I feel like I am supposed to but it hasn’t healed anything what is going on for me, instead has heightened it all. 

She said to reach out and I am but still feeling like four walls are closing in on me, maybe it is because there is no closure yet, I don’t know.

I feel like a bad mother, like I don’t deserve to be a mother, with nursery, work all long days is taking it’s toll on me, being out from 7am and getting home for 6pm both times when it’s dark isn’t helping, I’m really hyper vigilant and anxious of my surroundings in the dark. 

It helps not being on my own completely, my head and heart just tells me that if I tell what’s happened that it may somehow lessen the trapped feeling and the voices in my head which are telling me to shut up constantly. But then am I exposing myself more? Giving others the opportunity to judge or hate me. Maybe feel about me how I feel about myself  

I am slowly feeling like here is my place of safety where I cannot find any other place. 

Sorry I’ve said too much here.

Thank you for caring about me.

Natalie

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

It sounds so tough having this support suddenly end when you're feeling like everything has heightened. Often the support we need the most is after the court sentencing, so it's understandable to hear how you're feeling about it ending. I'm really glad you found The Mix because we're here to help you through this  

You mentioned you'd tried Victim Support before but it wasn't right for you. Have you tried Rape crisis before? They have a helpline you can call and local centres which offer counselling and other support. 

I also wanted to say that you're a great mum and you're doing really well. I really hope everything goes okay for the sentencing this week. Do keep posting here and keep us updated with how you're feeling. We're here for you

Former Member

Thank you Aife your words mean a lot, it is equally nice just knowing people care. Sometimes the loneliness is the hardest and most vulnerable. 

Danielle has agreed to come with me tomorrow and has asked to go for lunch after so that we can end things properly (think to make sure I’m ok too!). Told her today I was scared of how I’ll be afterwards have to compose myself to collect little one from nursery so can’t fall to pieces or crumble.

I’m going to give counselling with the mix a go, I don’t want to put myself out everywhere which sounds stupid I know. Will wait for that. 

I have a vulnerable and sickly feeling bit like butterflies with anxiety and a horrible feeling right in the pit of my stomach which I can’t shift. 

Thanks again, 💖

JustV

How are you feeling about things now it's the end of the week, @NatalieMT? How was your chat with Danielle?

Massive respect for going through this and coming out the other side. Any kind of court proceeding like this is a pretty horrible process, in all the ways it can be, so well done for making yourself so vulnerable and making it through. That's a serious accomplishment.

Although these things can be quite isolating experiences as you rightly said, there are always people out there willing to listen - especially here. Best of luck with counselling when it starts.

I don’t want to put myself out everywhere which sounds stupid I know. Will wait for that. 

Also, this isn't stupid - it takes time and you're allowed to go at your own pace.  

Former Member

Thanks Mike

I hasumcg with Danielle after on Wednesday, she has given me her personal number and has said she’d like to keep in touch in a non-professional capacity now I’m not her ‘client’ anymore, as friends, which was really nice, my little girl had become quite attached to her from the times she has seen her.

I’m going into a bit of a hiding phase, I have become unwell and run down generally such that I have cancelled the little ones swimming class tomorrow just to try and mend myself. I feel awful for doing so I’m just so run down.

I feel I’m much safer in my bubble just now, I’ll carry on with work, with my daily routine however busy it is and hard working being a single parent I’ve to bend myself in all directions I think the chaos of my life is enough just now, the rest I’ll catch up with?

I have booked us a holiday away only somewhere in the UK but my favourite place for her birthday too! We need to escape and I’m ready for some time off work. In some ways leaving the house at 6:30am and only getting home for 6pm has been a blessing and a distraction, I may have given up otherwise!

ive ramble on too much again anyway,

thank you Mike 

Former Member

Hi @NatalieMT. It's great to hear that things have improved since you first started this thread. You've taken a positive step to look after yourself when you are feeling unwell and rundown. It can be hard to cancel a commitment to someone else, but looking after yourself first is so important. I hope you are feeling a bit better now that you have rested and taken time for yourself.  Booking time away on holiday is good to hear too.

Let us know how your time with Danielle goes.

Former Member

Thank you for your kind words Mochan,
still under the weather with this cold I cannot shift but my outlook is a bit more reasoned and better. I can actually feel the ground I’m waking in and feel the stability with it.
Feek I can fight another day / week starting tomorrrow, I have been so much more clingy with the little one this weekend - normally I only let her have water/milk and homemade foods with vegetables in she’s never had juice, sauces or sweets, crisps (chocolate how and again) but I’ve loosened the reigns today and we have eaten a bit of junk with movies, the excitement in her little face and just being with mummy, no having to go here, there and everywhere has been lovely! 
I feel very loved by her, she definately has looked after her mummy this weekend!
we have done a lot of clothes shopping therapy which has been lovely she’s some new dancing shoes - they’ve gone to bed with her :-)
emotional typing this.
time for bed now 
thank you time out was needed and has worked x

Aoife

Hey @NatalieMT

I just wanted to check in and ask how everything is going? 

I'm really glad to hear Danielle went with you in the end and she's going to keep in touch with you as friends. It's really nice she wants to do this, it sounds like she was there for you a lot throughout this whole process. How are you doing now her support has ended? 

You mentioned a few weeks ago you're going to see how The Mix counselling goes. I hope it's going well and you're finding the support helpful. It's really nice to hear you've book a holiday to get some time away. I hope you have a lovely time

Former Member

Sorry I’m scared I can’t say how I am here, it’s too public, too many to judge me, to criticise. 
I feel completely lost, on a treadmill running but getting nowhere.. his words ‘our secret game, it’s a secret’ stays in my mind.
The flashbacks are mentally and physically exhausting me. I can’t say or ask for what I want and need because I’m embarrassed because it’s all stupid and weak and for fear of rejection.
Something happened last night, again I can’t say it here. I thought was control wasn’t control, I wasn’t in control. 
I wish I could be a better person. 
Its like with each time of abuse it left a scar, the scar is rooted deep within me, has formed who I am today.
I’m sorry I am so difficult. 

Former Member

I don't know what to say but just want to send hugs, I think I know what you're going through, just say if I'm wrong, but this is what a friend said to me, I feel you would benefit from hearing it too. (Also mods delete if I'm not allowed to quote a friend) 

'But we are not victims, we are survivors. And the biggest fuck you we can give to them is to turn round and say you know what, you may have violated me and made me feel worthless and dirty. You may have been able to walk away free without nightmares and memories and flashbacks. And all of that could have killed me but it didn’t and it won’t. I am stronger. What you did was wrong but I am not weak. And while I may never be whole again I will not allow you to take anything more from me. I will fight. And I will win. You may have tried to break me but I will show you how enormously you failed. '