Revelations (not sure where this goes)

Former Member

Sometimes you can do something thinking it’s right, it’s going to fix the pieces of yourself that are broken, will fill this hole that you have and cover over your scars, but the reality is it doesn’t, only you can do that, how when your stuck, literally stuck at the bottom, in a web.

I will always feel bad about myself, what he did, what I am because of it, what I’m left with what I won’t or can’t fix. He’s gone, I fought with myself and got through it, should I be happy? Better? Does it put right what he’s done? 

I’m a damaged, lost, stuck person and no punishment or length of sentence will change any of that.

i spent years opening myself up or the Pandora’s box a terminology someone used, but I’m abusing that myself by silencing my thoughts / my mind, telling myself to shut up, so much negativity I’d gotten rid of that I’ve inherited back - will this get better?

Angry at myself
ashamed if myself, my body, my image and with my negativity
scared of the world 
Hate the world except for my daughter 
The biggest I hate what I’ve let him do to me, again!

Italia

Hey @NatalieMT

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it's a really brave thing to do, especially if they are thoughts you haven't voiced before.   It sounds like all of these feelings and thoughts can be quite overwhelming and I want you to know your doing really well talking about them here.  

Your not alone Natalie, we are here to listen.   You've posted in the right forum  

It sounds like you blame yourself for what happened, and based on some of your other threads, it sounds like its not your fault at all.  

You have a wonderful way with words.  Do you find writing an helpful outlet? 

Be gentle with your self at the moment.  

Italia. 

Former Member

Hi @NatalieMT

From reading your posts, I know that you're a strong, courageous young woman. It must be incredibly overwhelming to put words to all the thoughts and feelings you've internalised for so long. You've taken the painful first steps to dealing with your trauma, and that is commendable all by itself.

I see from your other post that you're going to be taking part in counselling. I know it may be daunting at first, but I promise that it will help unburden you. Even if it's just another way of making sense of your feelings. Specialist trauma counsellors are trained rigorously; anything you say to them will be held in confidence, their top priority is making sure you have a safe place to express yourself.

@Italia is absolutely right. You are not alone. You're welcome to post however much you'd like, and support is always available. 

Former Member

Thank you all.. have no words but I am taking everything in and I am really grateful for your replies and kind words.

Thanks

Nat