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Victim to Survivor? Triggering ***

NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
edited February 2019 in Sex & Relationships
Difficult knowing where to start with everything.

As a little girl I witnessed violence being inflicted on my mother by her partner often, usually after alcohol, I remember feeling a lot of guilt for seeing my with bruises, sad, this one time I was led in bed listening to the shouting and banging, I got brave and got up where I saw my mother being dragged across the room my her hair, I tried to pull him off her, he turned around and punched me. I called the police, he was taken away after hitting a police officer and I gave my statement, which I later took back because of my mothers wishes.

A couple of years passed, my mother still with her partner, though he wasn’t violent, that had stopped. I was aged 8/9 when my mothers partner had his family member stay downstairs in the sofa in the living room, he’d stay Friday - Sunday (I’m not entirely sure why but something to do with his work).
My mother would leave him looking after me Fridays and Saturday evenings whilst she went out,
Nothing happened for the first few months of him staying.

The first time I was asleep in bed, I woke up to him laying in bed next to me asking me if I wanted to play a game, that it would be a secret game, I don’t remember what I said the first time, I remember what he was doing, he’d put his hand between my legs, tell me to be still, I don’t remember how I felt the first time it started, I didn’t stop him, he took my hand and put it down his pants, touching his p***s. Then he’d go.

This continued until I started secondary school, I won’t go into all of the times or the things he did to me, I can’t, I don’t have the strength to go through everything again.

When I was 11/12 I started hanging around with friends at weekend in the evenings, we would meet up on top of this arch underneath a bridge, we’d bring alcohol whatever we’d managed to get and drink together, there were older people there who didn’t go to school who we knew from a farm a friend kept her horse at. 

He started offering to buy alcohol for us all and hanging around, one evening we all crossed the road, a friend ran out and got hit by a car, feeling shuck up the ambulance arrived we all went home earlier than usual, I didn’t know his age at that time just he was much older than us, he was 31 as I had revealed from ages when things happened. 

I got back home, went upstairs to me room, he was calling me downstairs, I didn’t want to go, I remember  feeling scared and uncomfortable feeling what he was doing was wrong, I wouldn’t go, he came and got me, holding my hand tight I couldn’t release it. I was standing in the living room he had taken his clothes off, I said I didn’t want to take mine off he told me if I didn’t do as he said I’d be taken away, I did as he said he made me lay on the sofa, I felt his P***s between my legs I took it with my hand holding it he carried on, until he realised what I’d done he was angry threw me off the sofa, I got my clothes stayed in my bed and didn’t come back out.

i started going into school after drinking alcohol, looking at myself then I was off the rails. I didn’t see him until August 2015, I was 17 at a family get together, I moved out from home at 16 I barely saw my mother other than occasions. 
It was at my mothers partners mothers house, he was there I kept avoiding him, he caught up with me outside whilst I was smoking and proceeded to touch me I went in to the toilet stayed there feeling panicked / scared. I cane out got outside and went to walk to the main road to get myself a taxi to take me home, there were other people walking around, I just kept walking, I couldn’t hear anything, I was walking past a church yard when I felt my arm grabbed and me be dragged into the church yard, I screamed for help but he pressed his arm tight against my mouth I couldn’t breath. I hit my head on something as he pushed me to the floor. I was kicking and waving my arms trying to push him off. I had a dress on u felt my legs be forced apart by him. I felt his p****s inside of me, my body froze, I couldn’t breath, I remember horrible noises he was making smell of lager a horrible unclean smell around, the angrier he got the more it hurt, I led crying for him to stop, I felt my body react to what he was doing, and him e******e in me, a woman came running over, there wa a dog he ran off. I could tell anyone what had just happened scared he’d hurt me again. The woman rang an ambulance which came i remember being sat in there talking to the woman I wouldn’t go to hospital or the police. Kept refusing.  The woman who helped me gave me her number to ring her when home, I did get home by the ambulance I remember the woman talking to me but not everything said.

i can’t go into any more detail just I had a little girl from this I choose to keep. I did go to the police just over 1 year after to give my statement with help from my doctor, I’m not ready to talk about the police process, court yet just he has been charged and guilty, there’s so much more things, times things happened but I feel really raw, ashamed now and scared of putting this here. It is just so hard. 

please delete if not allowed 

[tweaked by moderator]

Post edited by TheMix on


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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,160 Part of The Furniture
    Hey Natalie,

    Well done for writing this , I know how raw this is probably for you at the moment. 

    I can’t imagine how hard the court case must have been for you but it’s positive to here that’s he’s been charged and found guilty! 

    Have you had any counselling maybe from a sexual abuse charity or a centre in your area ? , sometimes the police know of specific places  or have specially trained officers who do it ? -

    http://thesurvivorstrust.org/find-support/. Take a look here there’s a list of all the Sexual abuse and rape centres across the uk that are ran in partnership with the survivors trust. The list is broken down into the areas of the uk ( East Midlands etc ) and underneath it gives each county that’s in that bit to help you find the right one. It lists all the centres in the area with the area that the centre covers if that makes sense ? 

    Do you still have a specialist officer you can get in contact with that helped you through your case?.

     Not sure if that’s even a thing I’m just trying to think as my mum is going through the process of reporting historic sexual abuse and she has a officer  in a team that’s spefic to deal with sexual abuse cases that she can ring or text if she needs any advice ? 

    I know the mix do telephone and web chat Counseling and they always pop a post in Anything goes to let us know when the waiting list are back open for them ( there not usually that long ) or there’s the 1-2-1 web chat what’s open most days I think .

    for now whilst it’s so raw and your dealing with it, it may be best to not tell you little girl but that’s entirely your own decision. It might be in the future that you do tell her or it might be you don’t. You do what’s best for you and your little girl 💖

    Stay strong you are doing amazing ❤️
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    Yeah I was assigned a liaison officer with victim support who I’ve had co ta t with throughout, I haven’t messaged her recently as it’s over now, there’s nothing she can help me with anymore. 

    I have had psychotherapy it was ok but really hard coming out from a session knowing the next session was another week to wait, that and I’d go in and completely disassociate from everything, I left sometimes worse than I did when I’d gone in mainly because I hadn’t said anything. 

    The anxiety of being found or being hurt again has lessened. 

    I have signed up for the chat counselling sessions not sure how they work though? 

    Thanks for your help and I hope your mum gets the right outcome, phrasing it like that because I don’t think there is a right one, just a bit of freedom and affirmation that it was wrong.
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    Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Heyyy buddy, I just wanted to say that I read this, and I'm so sorry for everything you've been through:( Sending hugs and best wishes xo
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,558 Skive's The Limit
    I am so sorry, no one should ever experience this(. I hope youre able to find ways to heal. 

    Youre already doing well and definetly a surivior. I am so glad youre taking control and  went to the police. 
    I wanted to let you know i read this and i think youre brave and have a lot of strength to share everything here, let alone all the rest. 
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,056 Boards Guru
    edited February 2019
    Hey @NatalieMT

    I just wanted to say how incredibly brave and strong you are. I really admire your strength <3 

    I'm so sorry to hear about everything that happened, no one should ever have to go through something like this. I can't imagine how hard it must have been taking this all to court, but really well done for fighting this. I'm really glad to hear he was charged. You mentioned that you're not ready to talk through this just yet and that's completely okay. Whenever you're ready we'll be here to listen and support you :) 

    You mentioned that you'd signed up for counselling with The Mix but you weren't sure how it works. Did you complete this form on the website for telephone counselling? If you did, you should receive an email once you have a counsellor allocated to you. Let me know if you haven't got an email and I can pass your details onto the counselling team. 

    I'm sorry to hear about your experience with psychotherapy and that you sometimes left feeling worse than you did when you went in. Do you mind me asking how you found your counsellor in those sessions? Sometimes it takes a bit of time finding the right person and the right support for you. I really hope you have a better experience with The Mix counselling. 

    Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    edited February 2019
    Hi I’ve had emails re: counselling here, for webchat I think I’ve got 6 emails with different dates starting on the 11th February is this right?

    what does the webchat involve? Also I know this is being a bit difficult of me, is it possible to have a female counsellor? 

    Psychotherapy involved inner child work and transactional analysis, taking me back to an event included writing letters to my little self, it ended because my counsellor informed me of something called transference I didn’t fully understand what that meant but I know she was struggling with that, I began feeling conscious of what I was saying during sessions, and was becoming more reserved in what I was and was not saying during the sessions, the sessions were £40 per session for 1 hour, I began feeling like I was wasting her time.

    what was raw and I felt I had regained my life back with my little girl the ending of the court case I feel like have just been dropped and the rawness feels more heightened unsure of where I go from here. If that makes sense?

    my daughter is here as a result of what he did, what I did, I only did to protect her. He will be on an offenders register, is presently waiting to be sentenced I am waiting for a date and time for the hearing, meantime has been remanded and will stay there up to and after sentencing. Is the only peace I am taking from this.

    i don’t like feeling unsure or not in control of myself, my life, that’s where I am at. 

    Thanks and sorry 

    Post edited by NatalieMT on
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    AifeAife Community Manager Posts: 3,056 Boards Guru
    edited February 2019
    Hey @NatalieMT

    That's great you've received some emails about This Mix counselling, this all sounds right. 

    I'm sure the counselling team can easily arrange for you to have a female counsellor. A lot of people request female counsellors so don't worry about asking them. You can reply back to your email about your first session to let them know what your preferences are. You can also email info@themix.org.uk and we can pass your email onto them. Webchat counselling involves text chat a bit like our group chats but 121 with a counsellor. Let me know if you have any other questions about webchat counselling. How are you feeling about your first session? 

    Your psychotherapy sessions sound like they were really intense. I'm sorry to hear you felt like you were wasting her time. It can be difficult feeling like you're not progressing and it sounds like you were feeling a lot of pressure in those sessions. You might not always feel like you're making progress but sometimes the progress we make isn't something we can see right away. You did really well to give those sessions a go - you should be really proud of this. I hope you find The Mix counselling helpful when you start those sessions. Keep us updated with how you get on with those :) 

    You mentioned that you're feeling really raw and felt like you've just been dropped. Do you mean the support around you was suddenly dropped when the course case ended?

    This all sounds so difficult for you to be going through. You're really brave for reaching out here for support and I hope we can help you through this <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
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    NatalieMTNatalieMT Posts: 177 Helping Hand
    edited February 2019
    Thanks Aife I really appreciate your kindness and the help, time you’ve taken.

    Yes, by the rawness the court hearing was daunting and scary, the whole thing was scary starting with the statement, mostly because of the detail I had to go into, that and saying it all, I still feel judgments, shame and the exposure and like my secrets out there, it all ended and I feel completely lost by it all, so that’s just happened what do I do now?!

    i expected to feel free, a sense of peace, the scars that I carry healed over - like I’ve told what happened I should be over it and move on, but I feel I haven’t finished I’d like to share it all ‘my story’ as they say it not a story though I wish that’s all it was, but feeling safe enough to do that is massive. That I’m cautious of others going through a similar experience it wouldn’t be fair to air it.

    I’m really anxious about counselling sessions, I don’t want to feel like I’m wasting anyone’s time, I don’t know what I want from them, I just know even though he’s been punished in law, the biggest punishment stays with me. 

    Sorry and thank you so much for your support and words 

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    ItaliaItalia Posts: 228 Trailblazer
    Hi again @NatalieMT

    I just want to reassure you that your wouldn't be wasting anyone's time.  You have been through a really big thing.  The counsellors are there to help you figure out what you want from the sessions, you don't have to have all the answers before you start.

    Any questions just ask.  Your doing really well Natalie  :)  


    “People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
    Brene Brown

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