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Social anxiety, a part of me now.
Former Member
Posts: 57 Boards Initiate
Hi, and first of all, thank you to the ones who will take the time to read my post. Second, this is my first post ever on this website, so I apologise if I am missing something, posting on the wrong section, or anything else I am doing wrong. I will try to make this post as brief as possible.
I'm a 15 year old boy, very shy, not many friends, I only have one friend at the moment, a really good one, that I almost lost because of my own stubbornness, but I do not regret not letting go of her at all. I have quite a bad reputation at my school, for multiple reasons, first of all, I am very cold and honest, too honest, I have a great hate for most of the kids at my school, which I will talk about later. The truth is, i'I very cold to people I don't know, because I usually don't like people of my age I don't know, but am very tender and affectionate to the few ones I love. The second reason is much more complicated : I have been in a short term relationship about one and a half years ago, with an amazing girl that I loved and still love. In fact, I loved her more than she loved me, I was just one of crush, she is the girl of my life (quoted from my friend and approved by myself). I was very shy with her, yet very close. The relationship ended after 3 months, yes, it is short, I know, but it was enough to still destroy me at this day. I loved her so much I became delusional about her, and myself. I used to, and still do at some degree, believe some very weird things, like she and I were the only true beings in the world, the rest was just an experiment, a game, and the others were the pawns, grinding us to death, because yes, we were both suicidal at this point, in fact, she has (self diagnosed) schizophrenia and I had a good amount of the symptoms ( not sating I have schizophrenia ), enough to bind us greatly, and enough to divide us greatly, because at the end of those 3 months, she believed I lied, which I myself believed for more than a year, but I realized that I had and still have some of the symptoms, different than hers, and that the break up was just a terrible lack of communication. And since then she has been freely insulting me, sending her friends to do so as well, which explains my reputation of a "creep" and a "stalker".
Enough for the introduction, now to the actual post : I have been aware of my social anxiety (very strong one) since I moved from France to Canada, when I was around 7-8, and has since then increased drastically I have done nothing about it, just lived with it, yet I have seen a couple of psychologists for generalized panick attacks (if that's even clinically a thing?) But they always ended up talking about my dead at birth twin, which I live quite well with ad is obviously not the issue. So my social anxiety had more than enough space to grow out of control, and now here I am, I have strong ideas, a very hard-working attitude and lots of opinions, but am unable to express any of them. And here it comes, I have been dealing with social anxiety for so long now that I don't feel like I'm fighting it anymore, now it's inside me, it is me (yes I know the difference between shyness and social anxiety, but I am sure you understand that it is not being shy at this point). I feel like my social anxiety has become a part of my person, maybe hax it made me more patient, more mature, more myself than I was before. I'm quite feminine, I like things that wonen like in general. (As I am writing this, currently 11:13 pm, I realize that I don't even know where this is going anymore, I'm just writing my thoughts, that I have been trying to organise for the past 7 years of my life, I don't even know if I have a question, if I'm looking for answers or just a place to write freely (thank you so much for not having a word limit by the way)). Anyways, I recently told my parents about my issue yet it just made it worse, with my mom being so stubborn, pushing me, forcing me to do things I am very scared of. I'm going to see another psychologist in 3 days but I'm starting to realize that maybe it is too late, that I should and could not fix it, it would change me too much, and I'm scared of what I could be without that part of me. Don't believe that I do not suffer from my mental illness, it's genuinely unbarebable, but I kind of become numb, and I don't know what to think. Any advices ?
If you actually read the whole post, you're amazing, I'm sorry I let my thoughts take over me, I hope it didn't take too long to read, I swear I could go on forever, I'm sure I have forgotten so many things, I have so many more things to say, but I'd say that's enough for now, I didn't even talk about how much I love that girl, which would already take forever to express, nor have I talked about my symptoms of social axieanx, but whatever. Have a nice day/night !
I'm a 15 year old boy, very shy, not many friends, I only have one friend at the moment, a really good one, that I almost lost because of my own stubbornness, but I do not regret not letting go of her at all. I have quite a bad reputation at my school, for multiple reasons, first of all, I am very cold and honest, too honest, I have a great hate for most of the kids at my school, which I will talk about later. The truth is, i'I very cold to people I don't know, because I usually don't like people of my age I don't know, but am very tender and affectionate to the few ones I love. The second reason is much more complicated : I have been in a short term relationship about one and a half years ago, with an amazing girl that I loved and still love. In fact, I loved her more than she loved me, I was just one of crush, she is the girl of my life (quoted from my friend and approved by myself). I was very shy with her, yet very close. The relationship ended after 3 months, yes, it is short, I know, but it was enough to still destroy me at this day. I loved her so much I became delusional about her, and myself. I used to, and still do at some degree, believe some very weird things, like she and I were the only true beings in the world, the rest was just an experiment, a game, and the others were the pawns, grinding us to death, because yes, we were both suicidal at this point, in fact, she has (self diagnosed) schizophrenia and I had a good amount of the symptoms ( not sating I have schizophrenia ), enough to bind us greatly, and enough to divide us greatly, because at the end of those 3 months, she believed I lied, which I myself believed for more than a year, but I realized that I had and still have some of the symptoms, different than hers, and that the break up was just a terrible lack of communication. And since then she has been freely insulting me, sending her friends to do so as well, which explains my reputation of a "creep" and a "stalker".
Enough for the introduction, now to the actual post : I have been aware of my social anxiety (very strong one) since I moved from France to Canada, when I was around 7-8, and has since then increased drastically I have done nothing about it, just lived with it, yet I have seen a couple of psychologists for generalized panick attacks (if that's even clinically a thing?) But they always ended up talking about my dead at birth twin, which I live quite well with ad is obviously not the issue. So my social anxiety had more than enough space to grow out of control, and now here I am, I have strong ideas, a very hard-working attitude and lots of opinions, but am unable to express any of them. And here it comes, I have been dealing with social anxiety for so long now that I don't feel like I'm fighting it anymore, now it's inside me, it is me (yes I know the difference between shyness and social anxiety, but I am sure you understand that it is not being shy at this point). I feel like my social anxiety has become a part of my person, maybe hax it made me more patient, more mature, more myself than I was before. I'm quite feminine, I like things that wonen like in general. (As I am writing this, currently 11:13 pm, I realize that I don't even know where this is going anymore, I'm just writing my thoughts, that I have been trying to organise for the past 7 years of my life, I don't even know if I have a question, if I'm looking for answers or just a place to write freely (thank you so much for not having a word limit by the way)). Anyways, I recently told my parents about my issue yet it just made it worse, with my mom being so stubborn, pushing me, forcing me to do things I am very scared of. I'm going to see another psychologist in 3 days but I'm starting to realize that maybe it is too late, that I should and could not fix it, it would change me too much, and I'm scared of what I could be without that part of me. Don't believe that I do not suffer from my mental illness, it's genuinely unbarebable, but I kind of become numb, and I don't know what to think. Any advices ?
If you actually read the whole post, you're amazing, I'm sorry I let my thoughts take over me, I hope it didn't take too long to read, I swear I could go on forever, I'm sure I have forgotten so many things, I have so many more things to say, but I'd say that's enough for now, I didn't even talk about how much I love that girl, which would already take forever to express, nor have I talked about my symptoms of social axieanx, but whatever. Have a nice day/night !
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Comments
I think it's great that you're seeing a psychologist, I expect they'll really be able to help. It's definitely not too late. Social anxiety is actually a lot more common than we think and there are tried and tested treatments for it. You're also so young still (sorry if that sounds patronising but I'm in my 20s!) so I really don't think this is something that you're going to be struggling with for the rest of your life. I think with the right help you'll definitely be able to overcome it and live a more anxiety free life in the future. There is hope.
Welcome to The Mix. It was really brave to share your story and how you've been feeling. It can be difficult so you should be proud of the steps you've taken to help yourself. We're here to listen, so feel free to share anytime.
Like @Past User says, seeing a psychologist may help you with your thoughts and feelings. You sound as though you want to take this step and it isn't too late to seek help.
When you feel anxious, are there any coping mechanisms you use that have helped you get through before?
Now to your question @Mochan, I have tried many things, but did not stick with a single method since none seem to really affect me. I have tried deep breathing exercises, I often play with pens, or my favorite, chess pawns, with my hands to try to reduce shaking, without much success. I have even tried anti-stress "rescue pastilles" from Bach, which seem to be very popular, but the 3 times I tried them, I felt much worse in the end, I would feel weak, very weak, as if I was about to faint, but it could, and probably is, only a placebo effect. These are the things I remember trying.
Thank you again for your answers and your support!
I currently see a psychologist for my Social Anxiety one thing she said at the start is that they aim reduce the anxiety not to cure it so maybe that might be worth considering for you.
over here in the Uk the NICE recommendation is to try a course of CBT , I’m note sure wheather tou have anything similar by you but it might be something to look into as they get you to looks at all sorts linked with anxiety
( I hope this sort of helps -sorry if I’ve misread the post )
Yes, I have heard that many psychologists, which I belive cannot recommend medication and apply a clinical diagnosis, try to reduce anxiety and not cure it. I believe, from my research, that social anxiety is a curable mental illness, just like depression, so psychiatrists will more easily be able to cure it, as it genuienly is their job in this case.
I don't know much about the health care system here in Canada and what is available or not, but all I can tell you is that the psychologist I'm seeing in 3 days is focused on fixing bad behaviour and attitude, and also "looking in the past to try to fix present issues" (I don't know if this has a name), I have had bad experiences with the second method, less with the first one, so I will see how it goes.
Thank you so much for your support
To give you an idea of what CBT is like (or if you want to start working on it yourself) the "Workbook - Shy No Longer" at the top of this link is a really good starting point:
https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Social-Anxiety
It's a self-help workbook that takes you through a whole load of different modules with different exercises that help you work on your anxiety in social situations.
I will try to see a psychiatrists as I seem to trust them much more than I trust psychologists.
Anyway, best of luck!