Can't help online best friend suffering from BPD & ADHD

Former Member

Hello everyone,

I have a problem, and need help. 

There is this online best friend of mine, who is like my sister. We met online through an site called Quora, and she has been extremely supportive of me. I am a wee bit suicidal and have social anxiety, and she really helps me a lot to get along with it. She is extravagantly kind .

An angel. 

And the problem is - I simply can't help her. She herself has full blown BPD and ADHD, and goes through depression through quite a few days. On top of that, she ditched her medications today(new year resolution) Just until a few minutes ago, when we were chatting, she was contemplating self harm. "I'm mentally exhausted" "I fucking hate myself" "I want to bang my head on the wall" 

I literally don't know what to do. She doesn't pick up my calls, and chatting with her on WhatsApp doesn't (at least to me) make any difference to the emotions she's going through right now.

I have zero communication skills and my EQ (must be) is in negative points. I told her if there is anything I can do she just needs to message or call me, and while she replied with yes, I highly doubt she will. 

What do I do to help her? 

Lauren223

Hi @Past User

Welcome to the Boards

I'm sorry to hear that things have been tough for you and your friend at the moment, but you've done  a really good thing by opening up on here!

BPD can be a very difficult diagnosis on it's own, so ADHD on top of it must be very overwhelming for not only your friend, but for you as well. It's great that you are such a supportive friend, but are you able to take care of your self during these difficult times?

You mention that you are feeling a wee bit suicidal, so it is important that you are able to get yourself some support as well as your friend. Have you tried the Samaritans? - They are available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123. This can be something that you can share with your friend too.

Take care

Former Member

Thank you for replying @Lauren223, I really appreciate it. 

I'm okay. My suicidal tendencies are rare and far in between. But I really don't know about my friend. She is emotionally insane, as characterized by folks with BPD. She doesn't listen to anything or anyone. While she is at home, I'm sure she won't do anything over stupid. 

But It really hurts me that I have to be helpless and watch my friend suffer, especially after all she has done for me. 

Former Member

Hi @Past User

I have BPD too, so I can relate to the whole emotional instability. From my experience, just knowing that I have a friend who loves me really helps. Hope you're okay

Former Member

Hey Vin, it's positive to hear that your tendencies are rare xo

You say it hurts to be helpless and watch her suffer? Do you feel like you aren't doing enough? It can feel hard when people Don't give much feedback but I'm sure you are doing plenty for her and are definitely helpful

It can hurt to watch them suffer but you are trying xo

Have you signposted her to any places like here?  Samaritans?  And Kooth depending on age?
 does she ccurrently talk to anyone about it?

Stay strong xo 

Former Member

Thank you for the kind words, @Past User, they mean a lot. 

Yes, I am fine. Thank you, again, for your concern. 

Former Member

Yes @Past User, I will make her sign up on Mix and Samaritans. She needs someone to talk to and so far only has 2 friends, besides me, to talk about her issues. 

I am grateful for your kind words, thank you. 

Former Member

Hi @Past User I don't have any experience of ADHD, but I do have BPD myself, so thought I'd pitch in here and see if I can say anything helpful.

Firstly I think it's amazing that you're trying to help and support your friend. When I was first diagnosed all my friends ditched me and I was completely alone and it was so so hard I barely made it through. So just the fact you're there for her is absolutely brilliant. 

For that reason, I'm going to overlook the fact that "emotionally insane" is perhaps not the kindest way of describing it! Though I understand it might come across that way from the outside. The reason people with BPD struggle so much with their emotions isn't because they have poor self-control, it's because they feel all emotions so much more intensely than other people. Think of it like every single emotion you feel being intensified about ten times and you'll have some idea of what it's like. What feels like "sadness" to a normal person feels like absolute "despair" to a person with BPD. "despair" feels like a normal person's "grief". But it works for positive emotions too. So we tend to feel "love" very deeply as well, even for our friends. That's why when someone we care a lot about does something unkind or something we don't expect it can feel like we've been "betrayed" and that's very hard to deal with too. 

Anyway, sorry for the long explanation, I just thought it might help you to understand your friend a bit more. In terms of your other points, stopping medication abruptly like that is usually a really bad idea and will make things a lot more difficult for her so if you can do anything to persuade her to take her meds or at least see her doctor about reducing her meds that would help, but obviously not if that means she's going to have a go at you and push you away.

Things that work for self-harm are different for different people. Distraction works quite well for a lot of people but doesn't really work well for me personally. But a good app you could recommend is "Calm Harm" on Google Play. Quite a lot of people find that helpful and it walks you through all kinds of different things you can do in that moment instead of harming.

I think the other people on here have mentioned some really good support options. If she's diagnosed with BPD then I assume she's over 18 so the only other one I'd add is the Mind Elefriends app. It's a support website and app quite similar to this, but there are a lot of people with BPD on there so she might find some people she can really relate to there who understand the issues more. If she does end up coming onto the Mix, I'm also quite happy to have a chat to her if she wants.

Otherwise, keep doing what you're doing! Sticking by a friend with BPD and continuing to support them is an amazing thing to do and it will be making a huge difference to your friend even if she isn't able to show it. This is a horrible illness to suffer alone, so every bit of support is appreciated. 

Siena

I think she is lucky to have such a caring friend. I hope you’re looking after yourself too