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Life in a nutshell ( my mini(ish) life story)

Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
Hey! Uhh, this is anonymous right? Anyway, its been a long time since I posted, im 14 now, life has only gotten a lot worse. From what ive seen, people on here seem nice and unjudging, so if your offended by anything involving gender or sex, you might wanna leave now. 

TIME FOR A LIFE STORY! Those are always fun... All names in this story are pseudo names, because I am already in enough trouble, I dont need the social media on my back

Well, the only thing that i really have to mention about my pre-puberty years, is the 3 mental hospitals I went to, my diagnosis of paranoid, delusional, AND auditory schizophrenia... Ill talk about my schizophrenic religion cult another day... It gets complicated... On the years before I discovered my sexuality, my life was already falling apart in my hands. Then puberty came in. I was like any other teenage boy... Yes, I am a boy, if your a person who is reading this just for a thrill, please leave, I actually need help. 

Sure, I wished I would have a girl in my life, had my share of... Slightly out of the ordinary fantasys. Then I meet him. My first boyfriend. Funny thing is, he took my virgintiy. It was so spur of the moment, I didnt even know I was bisexual, until I already had an orgasm. He then said it felt good, but the next day, he had an outburst at me, saying he hated gays and bi's, and he thought I should go to hell. He moved that same day, ive never seen him since... I'm not sure if I want to. At the time the topic of sex seemed like the peice of life that has always been hiding from me, the one block of my life that stops the rest from falling... I couldnt be farther from the truth! I had another boyfriend a few month later. Another kid named Shaun... He was buitiful, he had a body that I could spend all day staring at it, and when he was undressed... I was quite litterally speachless.It was heaven in its purest form. That was the first time I got to recive. It was nice...

Right before he had an orgasm, he pulled out, sat down on the floor and didn't talk for a half hour... He was shaking, scared... I was overwelmed with guilt, and I still am. When he could talk, he said that he would never do that again. I never saw him since. I still have his number, but I cant pull myself to call him. 
As if my life wasn't falling fast enough, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life.... 

If you want to stop reading, you can, and if you continue, if you have something bad to say... Pour your heart out, comment all you want, but just remember that I know what I did was horrible, and inhumane, and I have payed the price, proboly not enough, but I payed. I am truly sorry.

Short story, I committed incest. Long story... I have a brother, he is 19 now, 18 at the time, It sarted out fine(ish) I masturbated to stuff I think about every night, One night, thoughts were running through my head, and I thought of my brother. It was an amazing orgasm. That happened night after night after night. All that sexual pleasure based on my brother... All the thoughts in my mind that said I was wrong went away. I thought "I just want to see what it looks like..." so one day I dared him to see whose dick was bigger. So we did, he was flaccid, I was as hard as I could get. He didn't think much of it at the time ( I won btw, huh? ). After a while I wanted more. When we played around and wrestled, we sometimes made sexual jokes. Uhh.. How 2 and 2 connected after that im not really sure. Well, I know he agreed that I could masturbate in front of him. I did, in the middle of it, he apperantally got an erection, and he asked me to "suck his dick". I did, when I did it felt ordany, it wasn't much to be proud of, but I liked it. Nothing more happened than me sucking him, and walking away. Not at that moment at least. One day I suggested anal sex. He quickly rejected the idea. But later on, I eventually put my self on him. A the time I didnt know how to relax, so I decide to penetrate him. It was good while it was happening, but it felt like I needed to go to hell afterwards. I ran to my parents the next day, told them everything, my brother, John, and Shaun. My parents promised to keep it a secret. Apperentally they do not know what a secret is.

At this time I was obsessed with porn, it helped me develop my sexuality, but I couldn't control myself from watching it... That is still the case, in fact I will probably go to a porn site when I am done typing this... The police showed up at my school, put me in an investigation room, pressed a bunch of questions on me, it scared the fuck out of me. My parents told DHS and CPS. Now I am restricted from seeing my brother, I am despressed, extreamly suicidal, I have attempted at least 10 times. I just want a healthy relationship where I can do some things, and hold his/her hand... I cant find any friends, my school kicked me out after my sixth mental hospital, I am on a form of house arrest due to me being suicidal. I like to be with a guys, but honestally, I feel more sexual towards guys, girls are more emotional and sexual. If your going to tell me "Your to young" "Dont think about that until your older" or anything like that, just leave please. Anyway, thats my life story so far ( Leaving out mental hospital details, and my religion ). So........ Comment whatever the fuck you like.


  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Hey dude, 

    I'm really sorry about everything. It sounds like you've been really struggling. Afraid I don't have a lot of advice, but I'm listening and I empathise/sympathise <3 

    It sounds tough right now, but I think the future has good things for you. And I think one day you'll have a healthy and great relationship. Would you say you're feeling really lonely? 

    Do you want to talk more about your suicidal feelings? Fine if not of course, just remember your life matters. 

    And I'm 14 too so I won't give you the "too young" crap ha. Best wishes x 

  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    How do you reply to a comment...? Anyway kathleen0172, thanks a lot, it accually means a lot to me just for someone to accually respond. To answer your question, of course I feel lonley, I am under a house arrest, and the only face-to-face contact ive had with another kid my age is in mental hospitals... Its just when you spend everynight making up fantasys and masterbating to them, you end up hoping it comes true, and when it never does, it can be pretty depressing. Whats really sad, though, is that my fantasys are just a funtioning relationship, I dont really want any sex toys, I dont want some kinky bdsm crap, I just  want someone that... You know what I mean. Eh, well thats my responce... Have a nice day! Or at least try too
  • Lauren223Lauren223 Posts: 71 Budding Regular
    Hey @Almist04

    Sorry to hear you've been going through such a rough time, it sounds like it's been quite overwhelming for you. You've done really well explaining how things are you for at the moment. Have you got any self care techniques you can use when you're feeling low?
  • Kathleen07Kathleen07 Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    @Almist04 (that's how you can reply to a comment by the way, just mention someone like I just mentioned you haha) 

    Yeah, that is a lonely and pretty miserable life huh:(

    Of course, feel free to ask for company on here - I know it's not good enough really, all the same though, everyone's here if you ever want to chat. 

    Thanks mate, hope you have a nice day too! 

  • LaineLaine Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Echoing Kathleen, we're all here for you :)

    It's positive you know what you want and you can find someone xo

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "This is my family. I found it, all on my own.
    It's little, and Broken, but still good. Yeah. Still good." ~ Stitch

    "Lately, I've been struggling with all the simple things in my life" ~ Cian Ducrot

    "I don't know if it's because my heart hurts or I'm insecure" ~ Juice Wrld
  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    Uhh, I dont really have much good techniques. Breathing dosnt seem to work for me... Most of my immediately helpful techniques seem to end badly for me in the long run. For instance my last boyfriend... Not one that was mentioned in the story, but me and him had a one night stand kind of thing.... Problem is it was in a mental facility. You can imagine how much trouble I got in. Its funny most of my problems are sexual, but most of my emotion support techniques also happen to be sexual. Ah, the cycle of death.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey @Almist04 and well done for sharing everything here, do you feel any better for getting it out? Sorry to hear you have been struggling and are feeling isolated, but we are here for you on here!!

    Is there anything you enjoy doing like reading or watching TV shows or something at home that can help distract you? We have plenty of threads on Netflix recommendations etc if they would help :smile:

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    I dont really thing distracting myself is such a good idea, sorry. Its just that I cant really ignore something that has become such a large part of my life.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    No need to apologise, it was just a suggestion, as it sounds like you are feeling lonely being stuck in your house. When does this house arrest finish, do you have a date for that? Something to look forward to perhaps?
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • Almist04Almist04 Posts: 22 Boards Initiate
    @Lucy307 Well, there is a little part of the story I left out since I didnt think it was impotent. The reason I am on house arrest, is because the US DHS and CPS believes that I shouldn't leave the household for two main reasons.
    1) They are afraid I might never come back, and commits suicide
    2) They think I might "sexually assault" another teenager.
    Its considered sexual assault because it was incest, though... Eh, anyway as I was saying, no, I dont have a date to look forward too. At the start of the DHS/CPS case, they stated it would last a maximum of 5 months. It has been about 1.5 years. Besides, since the whole suicide things is kind of out of CPS jurisdiction ( at least in the US ), My "house arrest" will most likely last longer than the case. If CPS and DHS dont exist in England, or the UK... Is there a difference? Anyway, DHS is department of human services, and CPS is a branch of DHS, which is child protective services. This case falls under both, because of a adult AND child situation. So my point is that I do not have anything to look forward too.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    I’m really sorry to hear that, @Almist04, that sucks. Do you have reviews or check ins so you can talk to them about how it was meant to be 5 months but has lasted longer than that?? Surely they’ve got something terribly wrong? 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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