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Help, cont from last post


previously I wrote a post explaining about my situation on being assaulted by my boyfriend. However I have more things I feel I need to let out and ask advice on. if I may ask those who haven't read my first post, please do read it as it would offer me great help, along with this post too. I apologise if some of the things get too detailed for anyone, however it is necessary to get my point across.

First of all, I have remembered that the events of my first post happened very shortly after me and my boyfriend slept together for the first time, and during the time it happened, nothing seemed out the ordinary, however looking back and learning what I have learned, these are my problems.

A while ago I learned that my boyfriend had masturbated to a picture of a celebrity, which may or may not be a problem to others, and I would at the end value opinion if I am being too sensitive over it. personally I wouldn't have had an issue if he had done it early into our relationship, however it was a year on, and turns out it was done shortly before the time we had slept together. the reason he claims he did it is because a while ago I asked that he would never use any pictures of me for such things, again I don't know if its me being prude, but I saw it as wanting a bit of self respect for a steady relationship. but upon discussing it further with him, it turns out this so called urge he had, he had been fighting for a while and it was about a week later he supposedly caved upon seeing a picture of this celebrity. And my main worry is, he used to crush on her before me and I personally feel that if his feelings for me were as true as he made out, then this person should not have been able to ignite such sexual feelings. I also feel now that I have been punished for wanting to remain innocent and respectful to myself.

also adding this to the fact he drunkenly sexually assaulted me not long after we first slept together, I once again feel I have been punished for saying no and maintaining innocence and respect for self, and what should have been a normal milestone for a couple has been tainted by crude and abusive things, both before and after. I feel I can never say no or face some sort of punishment. I even feel I could have handled better if only one had occurred, however given the timeline of it all, I can't cope, as I wonder, how can a person who has a good heart, and never purposely wanted to hurt me, and was also so innocent and nervous on the night we first slept together, and claim to love me so whole heartedly, and admitted he stopped any form of looking at others when we got together, apart from this one time, be the same one, to hurt, punish and abuse me and be such a sexually crude being that then claims sex is not a huge deal to him. 

I feel I should also quickly mention he was extremely immature and pulled horrible jokes on me, including, under the peer pressure of his friends thought it funny to put condoms in my back pocket whilst I was maintaining a discussing with people in public, and also the lifting up my dress on another occasion due to it being a joke or funny, he claims this too is to do with his dyspraxia and not thinking or knowing when something has gone too far. and again he has now matured rapidly and is horribly guilty and sorry and trying to fix, but I cant easily get over all of this.

I do understand he has matured a lot now and aiming to fix everything he can (again read previous post) however it does not change the feelings and hurt I am experiencing and sense of utter betrayal and irony I feel. as this particular person he also applauded for standing up to someone who tried to assault them, and then shortly after does the same to me. im trying really hard to forgive him, and do see how I am perhaps over sensitive to some of the situation, however given it all as a whole and the timeline of the events, I cannot cope and feel alone and trapped, so I please ask for your opinions and advice with complete honesty, and would certainly appreciate and male responses, certainly on the masturbating front in a relationship, to see if I am in the wrong or it is common and I am not on my own.

I still love him very dearly and he seems now to love me whole heartedly and trying to make up for all his wrong doings and immaturities of the past, however he makes it very hard to forgive with current mistakes and errors and even bits of lying, and over the time of asking, inconsistent stories due to his memory problems. im so unsure and broken inside and don't know what to do, I don't really want to break up but not sure what is the healthiest option. we are starting therapy soon too.

thank you so much to those who have read, please comment any opinions and advice as honest as possible


  • JawfaceJawface Posts: 23 Boards Initiate
    Hey, I replied to your previous post so if you're only seeking new perspectives then feel free to skip my comment. I do have a male perspective on this but I'm not certain that's helpful.

    There are clearly a lot of things which he has done which have hurt you. He has admitted that you have been hurt by his actions, which have been sometimes objectively hurtful (if you define objective in a certain way). He might be learning from certain mistakes that he has made, but you are still very hurt by the mistakes that he has made, and you haven't forgiven him for his actions (which is unsurprising). 

    It sounds like being in a relationship with him is causing you a considerably hard time. You acknowledge his efforts to change himself, but either they are insufficient, or they cannot make a difference for you. 

    I personally think that in your context it doesn't matter whether his actions are considered to be bad; you don't like what he's done, and would that change if it turned out that other people didn't consider his actions to be bad? Your feelings are based on what's important to you. 

    If you still consider it important to have an answer, on the particular issue of that celebrity, it's not something I'd do anyway, but if it was, then I would only do it if I knew that my girlfriend would be okay with it. He obviously didn't talk to you about it beforehand, and you are (understandably) not okay with it, and that's what matters.

    I really understand why you don't want to break up with him, but I think you should still consider what your life might be like without him (including if he never existed in the first place), and whether that might be better for you. It's a near impossible decision to make in the full knowledge that it's the right one, but in my opinion it must be made, not in a hurry of course.

    I wish you the best.
  • Lucy307Lucy307 Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hi @ktpn and thanks for reaching out on the boards. It sounds like you are going through a confusing time right now. To me reading this it sounds like he is causing you quite a lot of harm, does the good outweigh the bad? I'm just wondering what your reasons are to stay in the relationship when you feel this way, am assuming it's because you have lovely good times too? 

    It's in no way right that he sexually assaulted you and I'm really sorry you had to go through that. It's very brave of you to try and work through it but if you can't forgive/forget about it then it will also take courage to let go. Reminds me of a quote "you can't heal in the same place you got sick".

    I know you said you wanted male responses on the masturbation front and although I'm not a male I can tell you it's totally normal and natural for people (especially young men) to have a high enough sex drive to 'need' to masturbate. In my opinion there's nothing wrong with it and I wouldn't mind if my boyfriend was doing it, even to a pic of a celebrity (like you, I wouldn't be sending photos of myself) but we're all different and your opinion and feelings are just as valid as mine - all I'm trying to say is that he's not totally abnormal. The problem is you have already opened up to him and told him you don't like that behaviour so him doing it is causing even more harm to you as it feels like he's doing it on purpose to hurt you?

    All the best <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
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