Healthy Boundaries
![[Deleted User]](https://eu.v-cdn.net/6030621/uploads/defaultavatar/nJHX7Z3NJVPO4.jpg)
[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 Just got here
Tonight there was a major disagreement where I had to make a stand
against one of my cousins who had been putting far too much on me. I
decided enough was enough. It was high time to set boundaries.
Setting
healthy boundaries can be challenging if you don’t have the right
support system in place. Whatever it is that you’re trying to do
requires a support system and this is why I took advice from my dear
Aunt. She said whether it’s your partner, your children, your career, or
your love ones, you will need to have the discipline just to say No and
be firm! Now... I realise this is may be difficult at first because if
like me you’ve been so used to always saying Yes. I tell you, but being a
people pleaser will never get you anywhere as I found out albeit the
hard way. You will always have the sense of being last. Feeling guilty
is the first emotion you’ll get when saying no! Don’t worry, Aunty told
me - this is normal because you’re a kind-hearted person. Yes, indeed.
Well, saying No consistently will build an authority with who you are.
Building an authority means it is you who is taking a stand! Remember,
you are responsible for your health and nobody else. It is therefore
important that you impress on others they are responsible for their
health. Otherwise you are going to be ground down by others, so this is
all the more good reason of setting Healthy Boundaries.
Boundaries create an environment where you are protecting the relationship by caring about its quality. You stand up and care for the other when you communicate how they can take care of you. Almost everyone wants to be a good person to others. Therefore, by having boundaries you give them that gift of knowing how to care for you and feel secure in their relationship with you. Healthier boundaries both create and attract healthy relationships. In this way, I surround myself with people who respect me and understand I am generous and can give what is reasonable and crucially - what doesn't compromise me.
My Aunt
said don't feel guilty about another person's emotions that are not
yours to fix! That is very true. It is important to know the difference
between what someone feels you owe them, and what you actually do. Be
honest and clear about what you can give and being strong enough to
stick with it, and that was what I was told this evening.
Here is a lovely example about 'hedgehog boundaries'.
In the winters, hedgehogs try to huddle as close as they can for warmth - just not too close and not too far because of their quills. This metaphor has often been used to describe how human relationships and their boundaries must be defined - close, but far enough to keep one from getting pricked by what is another's problem.
Be
clear about the person you are - what is acceptable and what isn't. Do
not feel that asking for emotional or even, physical space stems from
pure selfishness. In other words, son't say 'Yes' when your heart wants
to say 'No'. If you would rather stay in and do a crossword rather than
go for that movie, then flipping well say so. That is the most essential
step towards establishing your self-worth. By the same token,
appreciate another's attempt at creating his/her boundaries and respect
the person for that.
Comments
Wanted to say first of all that you (and your Aunt) have some very wise words to say about finding independence within relationships. Then my main question is just to do with how the conversation went between you and your cousin? What boundaries did you draw and are they still present now it's a new day?