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Healthy Boundaries

[Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here

Tonight there was a major disagreement where I had to make a stand against one of my cousins who had been putting far too much on me. I decided enough was enough. It was high time to set boundaries.

Setting healthy boundaries can be challenging if you don’t have the right support system in place. Whatever it is that you’re trying to do requires a support system and this is why I took advice from my dear Aunt. She said whether it’s your partner, your children, your career, or your love ones, you will need to have the discipline just to say No and be firm! Now... I realise this is may be difficult at first because if like me you’ve been so used to always saying Yes. I tell you, but being a people pleaser will never get you anywhere as I found out albeit the hard way. You will always have the sense of being last. Feeling guilty is the first emotion you’ll get when saying no! Don’t worry, Aunty told me - this is normal because you’re a kind-hearted person. Yes, indeed. Well, saying No consistently will build an authority with who you are. Building an authority means it is you who is taking a stand! Remember, you are responsible for your health and nobody else. It is therefore important that you impress on others they are responsible for their health. Otherwise you are going to be ground down by others, so this is all the more good reason of setting Healthy Boundaries.

Boundaries create an environment where you are protecting the relationship by caring about its quality. You stand up and care for the other when you communicate how they can take care of you. Almost everyone wants to be a good person to others. Therefore, by having boundaries you give them that gift of knowing how to care for you and feel secure in their relationship with you. Healthier boundaries both create and attract healthy relationships. In this way, I surround myself with people who respect me and understand I am generous and can give what is reasonable and crucially - what doesn't compromise me.

My Aunt said don't feel guilty about another person's emotions that are not yours to fix! That is very true. It is important to know the difference between what someone feels you owe them, and what you actually do. Be honest and clear about what you can give and being strong enough to stick with it, and that was what I was told this evening.

Here is a lovely example about 'hedgehog boundaries'.

In the winters, hedgehogs try to huddle as close as they can for warmth - just not too close and not too far because of their quills. This metaphor has often been used to describe how human relationships and their boundaries must be defined - close, but far enough to keep one from getting pricked by what is another's problem.

Be clear about the person you are - what is acceptable and what isn't. Do not feel that asking for emotional or even, physical space stems from pure selfishness. In other words, son't say 'Yes' when your heart wants to say 'No'. If you would rather stay in and do a crossword rather than go for that movie, then flipping well say so. That is the most essential step towards establishing your self-worth. By the same token, appreciate another's attempt at creating his/her boundaries and respect the person for that.

Comments

  • JamJarJamJar Posts: 274 The Mix Regular
    Hey @floxy

    Wanted to say first of all that you (and your Aunt) have some very wise words to say about finding independence within relationships. Then my main question is just to do with how the conversation went between you and your cousin? What boundaries did you draw and are they still present now it's a new day? 


  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    JamJar said:
    Hey @floxy

    Wanted to say first of all that you (and your Aunt) have some very wise words to say about finding independence within relationships. Then my main question is just to do with how the conversation went between you and your cousin? What boundaries did you draw and are they still present now it's a new day? 


    Hello @JamJar and thank you for your interest in my topic.

    Since conversations between my Aunt Fiona and I have been on a strictly confidential basis concerning my cousin and with her taking illegal substancies, I am sorry but this situation has to remain within the privacy of my family.

    As regards my everyday relationship with said cousin, she is completely understanding of my feelings and my wish never to be messed with again. Realising that she about to have her ears boxed for her overt rudeness, she sincerely apologised and promised to leave me alone in future and remain at a respectable distance.
  • RileyRiley Moderator Posts: 991 Part of The Mix Family
    Hi @Floxy thank you for posting such a great thread, as @JamJar said there's a lot of wise advice here from both you and your aunt that hopefully other users will find helpful, I especially liked the hedgehog metaphor. :+1: It's good to hear that the situation with your cousin is being straightened out and we totally understand that you need to keep details private.

    As a follow-up question to your post then do you, or your aunt, have any thoughts about what someone should do if they've tried to firmly establish boundaries but they still aren't being respected? Just something to ponder on. :)

    - Riley
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  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Just got here
    Riley said:
    Hi @Floxy thank you for posting such a great thread, as @JamJar said there's a lot of wise advice here from both you and your aunt that hopefully other users will find helpful, I especially liked the hedgehog metaphor. :+1: It's good to hear that the situation with your cousin is being straightened out and we totally understand that you need to keep details private.

    As a follow-up question to your post then do you, or your aunt, have any thoughts about what someone should do if they've tried to firmly establish boundaries but they still aren't being respected? Just something to ponder on. :)

    - Riley
    Interesting you asked this because if my cousin disregarded boundaries and became disrespectful, then she would be grounded, and grounded for a month which would include the confiscation of her phone, tablet and laptop except for use at school.

    We have never had such blantant nastiness until recently, but if it continues then this grounding discipline would become immediately effective.

    Glad you liked the hedgehog metaphor. =)
    Have a super weekend!
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