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(TW) At a crossroads with my life, have 4 options

MisunderstoodMisunderstood Fast NewbiePosts: 11 Confirmed not a robot
edited October 2018 in Gender & Sexuality
hey all, as title says, im so confused right now and really want to sort my life out

Time is running out as I’m in my 20s now

I have 4 options:
  1. Commit suicide
  2. Become TS/fem and embrace it
  3. Fight it, and embrace masculinity
  4. Be who you feel you are
Option 1: I be very nice to my friends and start giving possessions away. I thank the closest people for being great. I post a goodbye on social media. With the best case scenario, I will be reincarnated, or at least the other side won’t be as bad. Either way, we all die and doing it sooner than later means nothing in the grand scheme of things. [edited by moderator]
Option 2: I slow down. I accept the fact that I’m uncomfortable with my masculinity. I look for more TS info, I get HRT and tone my body. I leave uni and reinvent myself as a brand new person, leaving everything behind. I start uni later as this new person. My family, and some of my friends, disown me. I may meet a lesbian lover or a guy I find attractive (my sexual orientation may change after HRT). I may or may not be stealth - in the latter, will consider suicide again. I will probably have nowhere to stay if I’m not at uni or home. I may or may not be happier being female. 

Option 3: I go to the gym, boost my masculine image and improve my gestures. I develop my personality (focusing on alpha/dominant traits) and charming skills. I try to make as much money possible. Inside, I still feel vulnerable. I try to hide it, but because of my masculine image it’s hard for me to find empathetic support. I can date women, but they’re only interested if I can make them feel feminine, and can provide for them. They won’t really care about me. When I see my female friends getting with people, I’ll get that uncomfortable confusion again. I may flip and feel lonely, cut off and suicidal again, reconsidering these options. 

Option 4: I stay as a cross between two. I work on my appearance in the gym, I improve my wardrobe. I develop my personality as a smooth talker and self-confident individual. Strive to become beautiful. Be a little less bitter, and acknowledge that I have depression, but look after myself and not make it hard for other to help me, showing I can be positive too. I accept that I’m not perfect, and I’m open about how I feel without giving too much away. I develop my 1-2-1 relationships with people, and accept that my friends are different to me but we’re all human. I try to consider others, and use my feelings to anticipate how they’d feel. I create my own bubble in the world, for my life. I struggle with dating women, as they won’t be attracted to a sensitive male with feelings. Female friends make me jealous. Breakups hit me hard, lack of support because I’m male hurts. Society still treats me like a vicious macho, because I’m male i.e. rules in clubs, women-and-children first, mean girls negging me for a reaction, guys out at night trying to provoke me. Online advice/support is unsympathetic because I’m assumed to think with my genitalia, my feelings aren’t worthy of being considered. I consider suicide again, or at least, these options. 

Comments

  • LaineLaine Llama Mama Gone for GooPosts: 2,411 Boards Champion
    If option two will make you happy you should defo go for it! 

    it sounds the best one of them, you gotta do whats right for you at the end of the day :)

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille

    "Here's to the ones that we got
    Cheers to the wish you were here, but you're not" ~ Maroon 5
  • [Deleted User][Deleted User] Posts: 0 Literally just got here
    Some advice here. Don’t wreck your brain thinking about what you want to do in life.  I used to think so inwardly and nearly ended up wrecking my life until my darling Sophie lifted me from all that.

    Crucially, don’t live in the future. Come on, be realistic - don’t spend your time dreaming away to a day when you have everything you think would make you happy, building scenarios or imagining potential paths. Evaluate your present and live in it. Make use of the stuff you have. Three months ago I took up painting again.

    Read up all the self help stuff you can find and there is tons out there on the internet, but never self-diagnose. Always and I mean always, consult your doctor.

    So by reading up, therefore the statistics mean you will begin making yourself better. You might be completely turned-off by any activity, but I think the best you can do in such cases is to work on improving yourself. Learn stuff, read books, work on that mind of yours. Our brains are the greatest, tap into your learning.

    Here are some classical ways that almost always worked for others to kick off and grow into a new paradigm might be...

    1. take up a new hobby - do it today if not then tomorrow and learn a new skill. Take about half an hour each day learning. 
    2. Meditate.
    3. Read.
    4. Write.
    5. Exercise - start slow, you'll love it in no time.
    6. Travel. Travel can be pretty cheap
    7. Get outside. Just lay in the grass. Enjoy the simple things.
    8. Create new friendships. You'll find theyre everywhere, lurking in the most unexpected places
    9. Dream, heck take quick naps if you want to, but crucially - learn how to slow down
    10. Eat better and learn to treat yourself the way you actually deserve







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