If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
It's been five years. It's time I told my story.
Former Member
Posts: 203 Trailblazer
On October 8th, 2013, I was hit upside the head, then raped by a stranger. I didn't even see his face. When it happened, my mind blocked it. I spent 4 years barely remembering the incident as a result of my brain shutting me down. Protecting me.
When I first confessed to someone about what happened, she told people around her, and everyone found out. My mother included. Thanks to the emotions I ended up later confessing to my online friend, who helped me through my issues piece by piece until I could remember the whole event clearly, and not feel the pain. But it opened up the triggers.
Over a 2-3 week period I closed them again forcefully, exposing myself to every possible trigger I could think of multiple times. And it worked. For what feels like several years I've been able to go about my life without being triggered by things, only tripping up when the SH or suicidal tendencies got the best of me.
It was fine again, at least until recently, I was. I found triggers reopening, flashbacks returning, insomnia and nightmares intensifying further than the usual sleepless night. I was going down again. The most recent trigger lasted for most of the night, showing me memories in startling clarity. I remembered the day that it happened thanks to those memories, and now here I am. 'Celebrating' the five year 'anniversary' by finally telling my full story.
It's a coping strategy for me, I suppose.
I am not afraid to admit I'm still struggling. I have a whirlwind of emotion flowing around my body, SH is still a problem, suicidal tendencies are still a problem, I still have my off days and the problems that come with them.
But.
I'm still alive. I'm still here, and now I am able to support others while I go through my own issues. I am a motivational poet/writer, I am an emotional artist, I am contributing my experience to those who are experiencing the same.
And even though I lost a vital part of myself when I was 12, I am still me, and I am still fighting. I am a survivor.
-
I wasn't sure where to put this. I considered putting it in health and wellbeing, but I'm not exactly here for support as much as to get this off of my chest. But if it would go better in H&W then by all means put it there.
When I first confessed to someone about what happened, she told people around her, and everyone found out. My mother included. Thanks to the emotions I ended up later confessing to my online friend, who helped me through my issues piece by piece until I could remember the whole event clearly, and not feel the pain. But it opened up the triggers.
Over a 2-3 week period I closed them again forcefully, exposing myself to every possible trigger I could think of multiple times. And it worked. For what feels like several years I've been able to go about my life without being triggered by things, only tripping up when the SH or suicidal tendencies got the best of me.
It was fine again, at least until recently, I was. I found triggers reopening, flashbacks returning, insomnia and nightmares intensifying further than the usual sleepless night. I was going down again. The most recent trigger lasted for most of the night, showing me memories in startling clarity. I remembered the day that it happened thanks to those memories, and now here I am. 'Celebrating' the five year 'anniversary' by finally telling my full story.
It's a coping strategy for me, I suppose.
I am not afraid to admit I'm still struggling. I have a whirlwind of emotion flowing around my body, SH is still a problem, suicidal tendencies are still a problem, I still have my off days and the problems that come with them.
But.
I'm still alive. I'm still here, and now I am able to support others while I go through my own issues. I am a motivational poet/writer, I am an emotional artist, I am contributing my experience to those who are experiencing the same.
And even though I lost a vital part of myself when I was 12, I am still me, and I am still fighting. I am a survivor.
-
I wasn't sure where to put this. I considered putting it in health and wellbeing, but I'm not exactly here for support as much as to get this off of my chest. But if it would go better in H&W then by all means put it there.
Post edited by JustV on
3
Comments
When i read your posts i think you have a good attitude ,even when youre struggling & feeling suicidal - and makes me think that yeah - there is definetly a much brighter future out there for you & you will have less ‘off days’ &struggle less. So i will say i have a lot of hope and confidence for that for you, just in case you was feeling a lil short on that for yourself today.
I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. You didnt deserve it. Hoping youre feeling okay today