Home› Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

I don't know if I need advice or just somewhere to vent...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
in Sex & Relationships
So I've been with my boyfriend on and off for two months now. He raped me while I was sleeping before, and it took me a while to forgive but I've moved on from it. But similar things keep happening I guess. He gets me drunk, encourages me to keep drinking until I pass out, and I've woken up with cum in my mouth and over my body, as well as inside me. I always ask if we had sex last night, though I know that I remember everything up until I fell asleep, and he always says I fell asleep and he fell asleep straight after, denying anything sexual happening while I was unconscious. I don't feel very safe around him all the time but I'm learning to deal with it. He reads all my messages, uses my fingerprint to unlock my phone while I'm sleeping, he's weird about me having guy friends. 

I know what he's doing is wrong. He loves me and I love him but he's doing things to hurt me when he thinks he can get away with it, when he thinks I'm deeply asleep. And, maybe this is the worst part, after a while of this happening every night I found myself saying "you're allowed to touch me when I'm sleeping, you can do whatever you want, I don't mind." because giving him permission makes me feel a bit more okay with it because as much as I hate it, I know that I gave him permission so he's technically not doing anything wrong. It's messed up, and maybe I do need advice on how to manage this situation before it gets any worse. I'm scared to tell him he's not allowed to fuck me while I'm asleep because that means, next time he does it, he knows it is wrong and is doing it to hurt me. But he's also so good to me and makes me feel so loved. And it's my fault that he has to fuck me when I'm asleep because it hurts too much for me to have sex when I'm awake. It's a recent thing, the sharp pains in my vagina when anything, even one finger, goes in. I'm going to see a doctor. But I feel so guilty that we can't have sex because I'm not satisfying him. It's my fault he's doing what he's doing.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Fruit loop Deactivated Posts: 2,762 Boards Guru
    Hey whiterabbit.

    i'm so very sorry to hear you're dealing with this its definitely not right and he could get in serious legal trouble, rape is never okay especially repeated.

    it's not your fault, if you could have intercourse awake he would still do it because it's the type of guy he is.

    i can definitely see he has little respect or true love for you.

    how long have the pains been present? It may be vaginismus i had that after my assault and I'm all past it now but it takes time.

    please don't continue to put yourself through this,you're worth so much more x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 203 Trailblazer
    It is not your fault. At all. As far as I can see this is the beginning of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. 

    I have to go to college now, but when I get back I'll give you a bigger answer. Sorry.
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,687 Skive's The Limit
    edited September 2018
    Im sorry. This sounds really wrong and like he is grooming and manipluating you so he can use you for sex

    Its hard to tell when being groomed though because they build trust and make you feel loved and then they abuse that trust to make it sexual and its hard to leave as they make you dependent on them. Some people are sick and clever & controlling to do this , and is not the other persons fault at all

    You dont sound happy or safe? :( he doesnt respect you & he hurts you and you deserve better than this. I really hope you keep reaching out for help
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 9 Confirmed not a robot
    Thank you, everyone, for your comments and advice. I know it might sound like he's doing it to hurt me but I don't think that's true. He's been in an emotionally abusive relationship before so he knows what it feels like and he always tells me he doesn't want to hurt me because he's in love with me, I just don't think he's doing it on purpose. Maybe I'm making too much of a big deal about him touching me when I'm sleeping, and he thinks I want him to touch me so it's my fault I guess. He'll blame it on me and if I tell him I don't want him to touch me he'll get offended and avoids me, makes a big deal about not wanting to touch me and won't even look at me when I tell him I'm not in the mood for sex or foreplay stuff.

    If I keep him happy then it won't be so bad. I don't believe that he's doing it on purpose.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Miniposter Posts: 187 Helping Hand
    whiterabbit7 said:
    Thank you, everyone, for your comments and advice. I know it might sound like he's doing it to hurt me but I don't think that's true. He's been in an emotionally abusive relationship before so he knows what it feels like and he always tells me he doesn't want to hurt me because he's in love with me, I just don't think he's doing it on purpose. Maybe I'm making too much of a big deal about him touching me when I'm sleeping, and he thinks I want him to touch me so it's my fault I guess. He'll blame it on me and if I tell him I don't want him to touch me he'll get offended and avoids me, makes a big deal about not wanting to touch me and won't even look at me when I tell him I'm not in the mood for sex or foreplay stuff.

    If I keep him happy then it won't be so bad. I don't believe that he's doing it on purpose.
    I know that it's easy to think that a person won't abuse someone if they know what it feels like, but that kind of thing happens all the time. It doesn't sound like he really has a lot of empathy considering his actions. I think there's a pretty high chance that he is doing this on purpose. It's not your fault. If it's safe to do so, it might be worth having a conversation with him where you make it clear that it's not okay for him to touch you while you're asleep. It sounds like he's trying to guilt you into having sex with him. I don't think that trying to keep him happy even if you get hurt is the best way to go about things.

    Please stay safe.  <3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 151 Helping Hand
    Hey whiterabbit7,

    I hope you’re doing okay, but I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

    Like everyone has said earlier, rape is never justifiable, and it does seem to me as well that he doesn’t seem to care in the same way you think he might. It’s understandable to think that, because he may have been in an abusive relationship before, he won’t do the same to someone else because he should realise how it feels on the other side, but there’s never going to be the guarantee that this is the case, and it seems like he’s using this fact to take advantage of you instead. Let alone the non-consensual acts he does while you’re unconscious, the fact he’s going out of his way to read your messages and is insecure when you’re friends with guys doesn’t seem right. There doesn’t seem to be a healthy form of communication or healthy balance of power between you both, if he feels he needs to resort to doing these things behind your back without even talking to you about it in person.

    You mention that you don’t feel safe around him, and I think I can understand why! It’s not a normal thing to pressure your partner into drinking so much that they become unconscious and then take advantage of their state, and I think you understand this. It’s nice to know that you value him so much that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt but, from a third party perspective, it doesn’t seem like you should have to try and justify his actions and even give him some false sense of consent to touch you while you’re asleep. I realise that you may feel guilty that you feel too much pain to have sex when you’re conscious (well done on deciding to see a doctor about this!), but this still doesn’t justify his actions when you’re unconscious.

    I can’t reiterate enough how you are not guilty for anything in this situation. Sex should be enjoyed by both parties, and if he’s feeling that sexually frustrated, then I’m sure he could have some other way of dealing with it (eg. masturbation) rather than resorting to taking advantage of you!

    I'm sure your boyfriend does have some good points about him, or you have some really good memories together, and these are what keep you attracted to him despite it all, but I truly believe you’re better off without him. The decision for you to stay together is yours, but please think about how all of this is making you feel and affecting you physically. You deserve so much more, and you shouldn’t have to reduce yourself for the sake of someone else’s selfish wants.

    -peachysoo
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User,

    I'm sorry but this is not ok. It doesn't matter how good to you he is in other areas of your relationship, what he is doing to you is wrong, and he clearly knows that it is. He is taking advantage of you, hurting you and and lying to you about it, and trying to control you in who you can be friends with. That is not a loving relationship, that is abuse. I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm worried for you, and I feel angry that he thinks what he is doing to you is ok. I can understand why you gave him permission, but that doesn't mean you can't take it back! My advice is that you need to tell him you are not ok with this (you shouldn't even need to do this because he must already know what he is doing is wrong), and to leave the relationship. You say that he makes you feel loved, but you also say he makes you feel unsafe and scared and hate yourself. That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship you feel loved AND safe. It's not your fault he's doing this to you. You are not to blame in any way for his actions. If sex hurts, there are things you can try to make it feel better, but those things don't work if you don't feel safe around the other person. The fact that it hurts you when you're awake could well be your body's way of saying "this isn't what I want". You shouldn't feel guilty about that. You can only satisfy someone if you feel comfortable and safe. I know you say you love him, but as hard as it might be, I think you need to think about whether this relationship is really making you happy- because reading you post, it really seems like it's doing you a lot more harm than it is good. Relationships should not be like that. 
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 8 Confirmed not a robot
    WOW - "He raped me while I was sleeping before".... this guy needs dumping FAST. If YOU are calling rape, irrespective of whether it legally was or not, GET OUT. He's not the guy for you.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Moderator Posts: 343 The Mix Regular
    Posts that are over a few months old with no recent replies are considered “dead”. 

    You can can read more about why we lock old posts if they are brought up again here: https://community.themix.org.uk/discussion/3593142/rules-guidelines#latest


This discussion has been closed.