Jealous of Other People's Problems (Trigger warnings: suicide)

Former Member

Hello,
I was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this. It's an issue that I've had for a while but I've never really felt comfortable sharing it with anyone because I always feel like I'll end up being judged for it. It's come up again now because earlier this morning my friend drunkenly posted in the group chat for our friendship group. It's not the first time she's done this and it seemed normal at first, but after a while she started talking about how she's really been struggling this year and has thought about suicide. I made sure that she was safe and I'll try to talk to her again later when she should be sober, but the experience has kind of shaken me up and made me think about some things that have always bugged me.

I have personally had thoughts about suicide since I was about 12, maybe even younger. My friends aren't aware of this, and I'm not sure if any of them even suspect that I might be suicidal. I only ever really tend to talk about it online, and I've brought it up with a couple of counsellors. I think that the only person I know who has any idea is my mum, because I mentioned it to a letter I wrote to her years ago. 

I've been concerned about my friends for years now. I know that everyone has their own issues, and there have been times when my friends have mentioned being depressed or having suicidal thoughts. To be honest, sometimes I don't think that we're as close as a group as we could be. We've grown up together and and sometimes I feel like I rarely even get a quick text to see how I'm doing. I used to try to start conversations with as many people as possible. I spent ages worrying about how to get into a good routine and system to make sure that I messaged people I hadn't heard from in a while. I stopped ages ago because I started to isolate myself towards the end of my first year at university and I thought that there was no point in trying to reach out to people when I was always the one to initiate the conversation, especially at a time when I found conversations to be exhausting.

I've kind of rambled a bit here, but the point that I was originally trying to make is that sometimes I get this weird feeling where it's almost as if I get jealous of people who's problems appear to be worse than mine. I cope by telling myself that it's an empathy thing, and that it's a sign that I don't want other people to suffer, but I'm not sure how true that really is. I've heard that sometimes people in bad situations make themselves believe that they secretly like it as a sort of coping mechanism, so maybe that describes how I'm feeling. I just feel bad because I find myself constantly trying to one-up people in my head to prove to myself that my problems are still really bad. 

It's not like I openly do this, and it's not that I'm not genuinely concerned about other people. I've been up all night thinking about how I can support my friends better, but at the same time this has brought up my own suicidal thoughts and the feeling of conflict that I get when I'm forced to realise that other people have problems that are as bad as mine.

I'm not really sure what else I can say. I could probably rant on for ages about how I'm worried about my friends and about how I always feel this conflict, but I think I made my point.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Former Member

I personally don't feel this way but I know others that do. I asked a cpn about this and he was saying it's like a subconscious thing, that some people don't feel like their problems are valid cause others have it worse off. as with most mental illnesses they want us to believe that we don't deserve or need help, when we do, no matter what we've been through. theres always people who are going to have it worse off, but mental illness isn't a competition about who's the sickest, we all deserve help no matter what we're struggling with. Not sure if this makes sense or helps but yeahh 

Siena

Hey,

just wondering but do you get jelous of peoples happiness too? (Sorry if thats stupid question or something)

but anyway although i dont feel i can relate to this but i think bubbles is right. Usually when comparing other problems its because it makes feel yours is not a valid problem. Yet it is not about how bad someones ‘problem’ may seem - is about how it affects them and how managing. So until you have been in someones head (for even a ‘small’ problem) - you dont know the extent of their suffering. So really unhealthy to compare imo. And im so sorry you suffer with sucidal thoughts cause that can be painful. 

Do you think that maybe part of it is- jelous of the amount of support they get? Youre deserving of the support & care you give to others aswell

Former Member

BubblesGoesBoo said:

I personally don't feel this way but I know others that do. I asked a cpn about this and he was saying it's like a subconscious thing, that some people don't feel like their problems are valid cause others have it worse off. as with most mental illnesses they want us to believe that we don't deserve or need help, when we do, no matter what we've been through. theres always people who are going to have it worse off, but mental illness isn't a competition about who's the sickest, we all deserve help no matter what we're struggling with. Not sure if this makes sense or helps but yeahh 

I agree that it's probably a subconscious thing. I spent a long time denying that I needed help, and then I spent a long time struggling to get it. I don't feel like my problems are really that bad, because I figured that someone would have noticed if I was really struggling. I don't feel like I have many opportunities where I can openly tell the people around me that I'm actually really unhappy a lot of the time, and I grew up thinking that showing my emotions was shameful because I had always been told that I was too sensitive. I always have this kind of conflict between knowing that getting help is the right thing to do, and the idea that there's something noble about being the one to help others while suffering in silence. 

Thanks for the reply @Past User . It made perfect sense 
Shaunie said:

Hey,

just wondering but do you get jelous of peoples happiness too? (Sorry if thats stupid question or something)

but anyway although i dont feel i can relate to this but i think bubbles is right. Usually when comparing other problems its because it makes feel yours is not a valid problem. Yet it is not about how bad someones ‘problem’ may seem - is about how it affects them and how managing. So until you have been in someones head (for even a ‘small’ problem) - you dont know the extent of their suffering. So really unhealthy to compare imo. And im so sorry you suffer with sucidal thoughts cause that can be painful. 

Do you think that maybe part of it is- jelous of the amount of support they get? Youre deserving of the support & care you give to others aswell

Hey @Shaunie
It's definitely not a stupid question. I'm not sure that I really get jealous of people who appear to be happy, because I know that happiness is easy to fake and I tend to worry that the people around me are hiding something. I tend to get jealous of people who can appear to be happy and bubbly all the time, because I'm normally pretty quiet and reserved. I mainly get jealous of people who I think have achieved more than I have.

I get what you mean about it not being about how 'bad' someones problem is, but the thing about it affecting people differently does kind of tie into this. I always kind of worry that the way I feel things is somehow different to the way everyone else does, and I know that people do feel things differently, but I've always had a feeling that I'm somehow different in a way that's hard to explain. I know that it's unhealthy to compare, but it's not something I do consciously. I am making a conscious effort to stop, but I can't always stop these thoughts and feelings. 

I guess that I do get jealous of people who get help as soon as they start to experience an issue instead of waiting years at a time, but I also feel a similar way towards people who have been suffering for a lot longer than I have. I'm not sure that jealousy is the right word, and it's not like I spend a lot of time thinking about how I compare to them. Maybe I'm just not comfortable seeing other people suffer and the thoughts get mixed up in my head somehow.

Thanks for the reply 

Former Member

Sometimes Im not jealous of other peoples problems, but I'm jealous that they are getting help for them. I'm glad people find help, but I wish I could too. My sister had lots of mental heath issues a few years ago and she would always fight with my mum about it. I felt very left out at the time and remember thinking that she'd only pay attention to me if I had some kind of problem, but at the same time I didn't want to share any of my problems because I could see that she and my sister were struggling enough already. 

Sometimes when we see others suffer we feel uncountable because we relate to them, then we can't help but compare ourselves to others. Its a normal thought to have, as long as you don't do anything bad to others because of it. I don't think you ever would, we all have negative thoughts we'd never act on sometimes. If you try and hold back those thoughts they might just frustrate you even more. How about accepting them? You know they are negative and that you'd never act upon them, but its okay to think about it sometimes, its just a thought. 

You deserve support too, and you can find it in all kinds of places. Even if you don't want to share how you feel with friends or family you can always see a GP or other heath professional for advice. 

Former Member

Eyepatch said:

Sometimes Im not jealous of other peoples problems, but I'm jealous that they are getting help for them. I'm glad people find help, but I wish I could too. My sister had lots of mental heath issues a few years ago and she would always fight with my mum about it. I felt very left out at the time and remember thinking that she'd only pay attention to me if I had some kind of problem, but at the same time I didn't want to share any of my problems because I could see that she and my sister were struggling enough already. 

Sometimes when we see others suffer we feel uncountable because we relate to them, then we can't help but compare ourselves to others. Its a normal thought to have, as long as you don't do anything bad to others because of it. I don't think you ever would, we all have negative thoughts we'd never act on sometimes. If you try and hold back those thoughts they might just frustrate you even more. How about accepting them? You know they are negative and that you'd never act upon them, but its okay to think about it sometimes, its just a thought. 

You deserve support too, and you can find it in all kinds of places. Even if you don't want to share how you feel with friends or family you can always see a GP or other heath professional for advice. 

Thanks for the reply. I'm trying to accept it and have been trying to get help for years. It's just hard to shake the feeling that I'm always concerned about other people and supporting them through their problems without getting anything in return.

Former Member

No clue if you're going to see this because you posted it in fucking 2018 but here we go. I was going on one of my search rampages where I fall into a loophole of searching my problems to see if anyone else has them when I came across your post. I made a whole account on here just to type this:

Yeah, we share the same problem, or something remotely similar, I think. I have been literally questioning my entire identity and existence because I just feel so useless and stubborn and I don't know if I'm being selfless or selfish. I just feel so jealous of other people's pain and problems like I will literally be sitting in class and see that someone has a scab on their arm and then get jealous because they went through pain that I didn't go through. I don't know if it makes me a masochist or just selfish because I am just afraid to experience pain and that is the reason that I want to hurt myself in the first place. Anyways, it's not just pain I want and get jealous when I see other people have; it's problems and hardships they face in their lives. Like I used to and sometimes still do wish that I could have depression like my siblings. We used to talk all the time and that's how I got started with self-harm: with them talking about it I wanted to fit in in a sense and I was jealous of their depression and self-harm and suicide attempts and I just wanted to have those struggles too. I just want to face more hardships and I feel so lost and afraid of myself. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm so stuck between hating myself and just not caring at all. I'm so lost I don't even know if I can ever have self-respect and I feel like my whole purpose in life is to serve others yet I do it for selfish reasons- out of fear of being wrong. I don't know. You probably won't see this but typing this out I really feel weird and my mental health is actually really bad I guess or maybe it's normal to have all these struggles. I don't know. Just know that you are loved. And try to love and accept yourself. Life can be really fucking confusing at times but it's important to try and stay on team-you. We just need to remember that we don't have to focus constantly on making problems worse to become "tougher" or "stronger". What makes us tough is resilience and getting through what's already been brought into our lives. What can we do to be better? It isn't about what we can do to make more problems so we can be as good as everyone else.

JustV

Usually the mod team closes old threads that have been resurrected but I'm going to keep this one open because of @butterfly4's lovely words to @TheAprilFool.